I need to stop using you…

Christ it is wonderful to have you around. Really have someone there just for me.

On weekend I again had further argument with S. Sio tried to make things better and set us talk. I think she feels bit guilty that she has caused me and S to argue. It’s not her, it’s me and S. I apologized him, but apparently I again did everything wrong. Deciding to apologies in the bar was setting him up to situation where he can’t do anything else but accept it. When I said fine if he would prefer us discuss some later point more privately I could just leave, I was apologizing and leaving before he was getting a chance to say a word. When I waited that he could say his word, he accused me to playing with his feelings and asked me to leave. Finally I just left, it seemed clear I could do nothing constructive at that moment.

I was feeling down. S just is capable to hurt me when he wants and he did. Not many are close enough to me to do that. Sometimes I just wonder do I torture myself when I try to be friend to S, is that idea doomed from the beginning. You had rushed out of the bar earlier. M had pissed you off. He seems to have that effect to men, I wonder is that some testosterone thing. I come along ok with him. He is selfish and arrogant but so are 2/3 of the pilots. You had asked me to give you call when I am free of them, I did. I was feeling pretty miserable. You were in Gulfonodi and rushed back to Pator. I feel stupid for this afterwards. I should have at least come to there and not to make you rush away from your job. We met you at your place. Being there held by you and just be able to tell you everything was great. It was like you absorbed all my bad feelings away and filled with me with brightness.

I have a feeling that, all I have done lately is used you to brighten me up and made you to be the strong man for me to whom I can rely. Now I even made you rush away from your duties. Although being at your place had some advantage over meeting in a bar at Gulfonodi. But seriously I need to give something back; I need to stop using you.