He is dead...

Debes is dead. It is confirmed by GRD. There was memorial service for him... but still my brains or maybe better say emotions don't seem to really get it... I kind of keep expecting he would show up on corp channel and laugh to everyone being so serious.

I never knew Debes well. He never was close to me. I don't know why I have so huge troubles to accept that he is dead. On intellectual level I can realize he is dead, but on emotional level not really... but no matter what I keep expecting, he is dead.

I should have something that would be flying just for fun...

Ulf asked me yesterday a very simple question… Have I thought to just fly for fun during break week and not to think about what I should do? That question kind of took me off the guard. I couldn’t think a single thing that would be just flying for fun and not include some duty. Have I really made everything duty…

What in past I have considered flying for fun or even close? Low sec hauling once upon a time was really fun, the thrill it provided when I did out run pirates in MH and escaped under their noses. Of course it included a duty to keep Egbi stocked, but it was really fun. Why it isn’t low sec so fun anymore? I guess I lack the challenge and thrill in it. My current hauling area is just pretty boring and pirates don’t have gate camps that area or try to catch haulers. It’s good for the area… but boring.

Ratting in GW was kind of fun in its own way, it was a certain zen state of mind and it was time just for me even if it provided isk and sec status. But since we have lost the tower in GW there hasn’t been similar opportunity to go there for a week and just hang out there. Doing agent work just doesn’t give similar state of mind. I need to talk to agent in every turn and the work can contain going into very heave pirate bases, I need to change ammo type every now and then… it just doesn’t provide same Zen feeling.

Combat then… it’s a complex issue. Sometimes I really enjoy it, sometimes just not. And under everything I feel I should be developing myself as FC.

Maybe I should try to do something just for fun… but what that would be. Sonja goes to Curse for ratting; maybe I should check the concept and try it or invent something. I think Ulf is right; I should have something that would be flying just for fun.

Maybe I am on correct path...

It's been months that I have really felt doing actively something in space. It has felt like I lack the sparkle of purpose and meaning why I should do something. I have managed to kick myself to do some low sec hauling, but it has lacked that something it used to have. During past week I have been leading fleets a lot and finally there is small sparkle there... It started as a attempt to kick myself to be FC again in hope of that maybe it would give me the new target or purpose I need, but I have actually enjoyed running fleets.

Regardless of the fact that I am rusty as hell as combat pilot in general and not to mention being FC, running fleets has been different than before. It used to be really heavy mental task to set up fleet and ask answers people's question what ship they should bring and gain some idea what I can take with the fleet. I don't know what has happened but for some reason it doesn't feel so big task anymore. The process of forming idea what kind of enemy ships I can take is still very fuzzy and I in no mean have clear idea of it, but somehow it has become easier or I have stopped caring to have the exact understanding. I still dislike of idea putting up fleet spontaneously and prefer planning and scheduling fleets, but hey one can't expect miracles.

I still don't have that personal goal other than I want to develop myself as FC, but maybe... maybe I am on correct path.

I don't want mess this up...

Roc is finally back in space and back in Pator. It's wonderful that I have him home at nights, but it also means that I finally also need to face the tricky part of dating two guys or more like the tricky part of a new relationship. Both Roc and Ulf are from same social circles, they need to learn to be in same social occasion with me and they need to get used to idea having one of them in my bed sleeping. Yesterday I first time told Roc that I might have Ulf couple of hours taking a nap with me in our home. I am not really sure how he took it. He was very neutral and told me that it should be at least 6 hours before he is home, but in the morning I also found him sleeping at couch with pile of reports. It could be just like usually that he did too much work, but it could be that he didn't want to go sleep alone or take risk and see if Ulf is still with me sleeping... I think I need to talk with him.

I was wondering would Roc come to CJ's Voluval, it would have been first time for me, him and Ulf to be in same social occasion. Maybe it was good he didn't come, maybe it's easier to all of us if the first occasion is less formal, less full of hard emotions, lighter. What ever I would have done there it would have been hard for one of them, I squeezed most of the time Ulf's hand and regardless who's hand I would have hold there the other one probably would have felt bad, if I would have kept my feelings just for myself they both would have felt bad and not know what to do when the other one is there.

I wonder how come it was so easy for me and Cierrelle to start to be in same social occasions. Maybe it was because we had talked about sharing Roc and found out that we totally understand each others. I know that Roc needs someone from the clan to give him children, be there for the clan and I wouldn't be that and Cierelle knows that pilot implants make us almost immortal, we stay young when she gets old and that the world of pilots is something where she can't fully support Roc and he needs a companion in that world. I guess in the beginning I and Cierrelle also silently divided the social occasions between us and the one, whose occasion it was, got most of Roc. I don't know what Roc did but he also managed to make us feel like neither of us was neglected. I just hope I manage to make both of them feel like that. I don't want mess this up.

CJ is now from clan Avenar and has Wolf's Teeth as her mark...

I feel so honored that CJ invited GRD and EM as her “family” to her voluval ceremony or more like joining the clan ceremony and voluval ceremony. She gave me possibility to be part of that unique moment even we don't know that well.

The first rite was hard to watch … the Rite of Einherjar. Its good that the shaman warned us beforehand: “War is a cruel, harsh and injust mistress, and so must some of our ways appear to outsiders. I would ask that you that at least here, in the sight of our ancestors, to at least respect our traditions if not agree with them” ... “For a thousand winters our people labored under the Cursed Ones, with their false ways and biting whips. We endured pains and trials that would break lesser people. Yet still, while our people were chained, we never accepted defeat. We never stopped teaching the old ways in secret places, we never forgot the ways of the past or the promise of the future. Generations of warriors lived and died with little hope to themselves, endured untold suffering so the Ways could exist today.”

At least they didn't whip her... but they did beat her.. badly. She was made to fight 4 Brutors, a young man just got his Voluval, full man with his best age, old warrior past the best age and finally Gottii. She was beaten really badly. I didn't know what to expect... some fighting because its warrior clan of Brutors... but not this. A fair fight would have been against one of these guys.. not 4 of them. It was pretty bad just to sit there and watch them to beat CJ, but in a way I was same time so proud of CJ, she didn't give up, she just got up time after time even they hurt her so badly. Eva explained that it's not about winning as such but endurance against the overwhelming enemy and spirit to just continue. What she said made sense and made me actually understand the earlier words of the shaman. I don't agree that same needs to be repeated in the rite, but I kind of understand it. After this she was part of the clan.

Before Voluval she and Jacob had to take the Rite of Cleansing as well. I thought watching the first rite was hard, but in a way even this didn't involve physical violence this was as hard to watch as the Rite of Einherjar. They had to tell all the sorest experiences that have kept bothering them and give those to the fire... clean themselves from that burden.

“So, here, in this place, in front of Clan, Lodge, and family, they are gathered to give those shadows to the Fire, to force them from their bodies, and to find calm within, and to rid themselves of things never be spoken of again.”

Being slaves and deeds they had to do were core of the sore spots for both of them, but there was some very personal things they had to tell aloud... and it can't have been easy.

“I had...found companionship in the arms of an outsider, one not of the People. Yet, I, like many of the Brutor here...I am descended from the Vri'Tosh, and when the Cursed Ones vile touch finally brought me low...she...left... I...I knew shame, shame that I was born with the touch of the Cursed Ones, shame that they could still touch my life...shame that I carry their mark in my body...shame that I was once a slave...” ... “It is this shame that I give to the Fire. Never again will I apologize for that which I cant control...never again will I shame my ancestors by apologizing for the evils done to them”

He must have been talking about Ciarente. It can't have been easy to admit how much she managed to hurt him in front of us all from the EM.

“I ...When I was a slave .. the girls ...would be given to the men who had worked best or as punishment.” … “I wasn't obedient. I was punished a lot” … “I've carried that with me never wanting to be close to the men of my tribe, never trusting them because of what those slaves did to me” … “I give that pain to the fire” I so wanted to go and hug CJ. I am not sure which was more painful to her take that hard physical beating in previous Rite or go through all that emotional pain in this one. I hope the rite really works and cleans them from the pain.

I have known that CJ is ex-slave and on intellectual level I think I have been able to guess what has happened to her, but listening it like that and seeing her tears makes it so much more concrete... it makes it so much more concrete than a vague guess when I am thinking other girls, who I know that have been slaves in their past... or who still are. I have seen scars in Anuko's back and I know she has issues with relationships to men... even she doesn't remember her past but only has horrible nightmares... its pretty good guess what has happened to her too. Before this evening it was more concrete with Anuko than with CJ since Anuko has been broken and CJ a survivor. Zorra reminds me of CJ, she seems survivor too … I can't stop thinking that has something similar happened to her too and should she get counseling to it as soon as possible so that it wouldn't keep shadowing her life as it has been shadowing CJ's. I want to ask CJ's opinion, but shaman said “never be spoken of again.” Does that mean we shouldn't take these topics up never with them? But the train of thought continues.... I wonder what kind of life Gina has... how Grr punishes her... and I don't have any means to help her.

Thank god there wasn't any other painful rites more before the Rite of Voluval. They both got marks to chest and they both got marks of Wolf.. the Wolf's Eye for Jacob and Wolf's Teeth for CJ. If I understand correctly chest is good location to have the mark. It had some significance that they both were Wolf's marks but I didn't quote catch what.

Even the day was hard and painful the end was worth it. CJ is now from clan Avenar and has Wolf's Teeth as her mark!