Foreigner needs to be double as good as a Mimatar to be something here...

Anabella has felt it too. By blood she is Sebiestor, she even looks like one, but since she was raised by Gallente couple and she doesn't have a clan she is second class citizen too. Her reaction has been different to mine. She desperately wants that feeling of belonging somewhere. She wants clan. I want people to accept me who I am now. In a way it feels insulting to me that if I would join clan it suddenly would make everything I so far have done somehow more meaningful. I work and fight for the Republic as much as any other Gradient does. Ironic is that from the two of us I might have to face sooner the decision do I really want to join a clan or not.

The topic came up the other day at the Rose's Lounge. Anabella commented that she felt like and outsider and I could relate to it. Ava asked ”Do we....do we make you feel like an outsider?” Not sure did she refer to Gradients or Minmatars in general. I didn't want to start a rant then, but yes you do make me feel like an outsider occasionally.

Republic is my home nowadays and Gradient in a way is my family here about. I feel like I belong to here, except when I am reminded that I am not a Minmatar so I am a second class member and citizen. It happens less often than it used to happen. Gradient has changed too. It better accepts foreigners or maybe it just can't be too picky anymore with the border war already on going. Republic needs all of its warriors.

I remember the time I joined Gradient: on every corp op I had to show up in my own hauler since all the Gradient offices had only Minmatar ships. Already that time from the active pilots that participated ops a great chunk was non-Minmatars. Some point I gave up and just learned Minmatar haulers since I wasn't going to get my own freighter just for doing occasional jobs for the corp. It took years before the situation changed. Nowadays Gradient has also some Iterons on mining offices. Every time a new director or CEO needed to be selected the discussion has included arguments for requirement that the person should be Minmatar and preferably with a good clan background. Even if I haven't been after the positions it is just a clear reminder that since I am not Minmatar I am a second class citizen here. Same goes for any elections in Republic. Even if I would acquire Republic citizenship it would do nothing to me. If you don't have clan you can't impact any Republic matters. Some people are even openly racists. Thank god not in Gradient. Dating Simeon was catastrophic. His clan hated me so much, just because I was foreigner. Truth just is that foreigner needs to be double as good as a Mimatar to be something here.

It is great to have a friend with whom you can freely be yourself...

Having drinks with Sonja last week reminded me how refreshing it was to be with someone, I don't have to be careful with my words. I have plenty of close friends and I love them all dearly, but it doesn't I mean I can talk freely to all of them.

Isobel is so tight about what is proper and judgmental. She hasn't liked most of the men I have dated with. I think Ulf passes her inspection, but she didn't even like Roc, who after all was respected CEO of Gradient, not to mention Simeon or Veren that had shadier pasts. Going to TLG is red cloth to her. She is my old time friend, but sometimes it just is easier to avoid some topics with her.

Anuko is dear little creature. She is the little sister I never had. But she is also the little sister to take care of. For her I need to be the strong one, I never can be the weak. I need to remember that she has issues with alcohol. If I would feel like spending a week crawling in pubs and drinking down my sorrows or just party really hard because I feel like it, it would be incredibly bad to drag her with me... I would get a terrible hang over after the week, but she might stay on that path. Oh she likes to put up a strong presence and protect me ...but she over does it. If Ulf would hurt me and made me sad or angry and I would complain about it to her, I bet she would go to yell Ulf in a next possible moment. She just isn't very good at being someone you can lean to occasionally.

Sonja is strong but same time laid off. She doesn't judge me. We may disagree on things and even argue loudly. When feeling weak I can lean to her without fear to drag her down. When feeling hurt and miserable I can freely open up without a fear that she would try to fight my battles for me. It is great to have a friend with whom you can freely be yourself.

I should talk with you...

What are you expecting from me now? Do you expect or hope for monogamous relationship now that Roc is out of the way, us moving together or do the same rules still apply, no exclusiveness.

We have been a year together, but I still can't say how you really feel about a non-exclusive relationship. Roc spend so much time in planet side with his clan that me dating him didn't really impact our time.

I don't want to take this up just now, but I should talk with you.

I keep wondering how does it feel to meet him in person again...

Back then there were flames between us, they were high and consuming. Maybe in the end they would have consumed itself leaving nothing… but he left before that happened... we never had chance to find out...

It was years ago. He went to fight against my people. I got over him ages ago… Still small part of me is curious to see how it will feel to see him in person again …and another small part is happy that he has been asking after me…he hurt me leaving like that… I guess he also hurt my pride leaving like that… I never got a proper chance to tell what I thought about it… and that same small part still wants to throw those old thoughts at his face… not productive or nice… so very good thing that it is just a very small part of me.

But I keep wondering how does it feel to meet him in person again.

I wonder what brought him back to EM...

Mordenkainan.... is back in alliance.... I don't know why but timing with everything makes me expect turbulence. He hasn't given any reason me to expect that, but I just have a feeling. I am not sure what to think. When I first got his mail that he would like to catch up some point I was little reluctant to see him. Then his name keeps popping up here and there.... now I am somewhat curious to see him but we never seem to be on comms same time... I wonder what brought him back to EM.

It is better that I live alone for now...

I am so tired but need to take care of pesky little details and practicalities; need to remember to give notice to the tenant of my apartment, hire moving company etc. Can't wait to get out of this big and empty apartment that just keeps reminding me how we failed to make it ours.

Sonja threw me thought an idea about moving together with Ulf for a change but I am not ready to propose it to him. I proposed moving together to Roc and almost like it jinxed the relationship. Since that we started to drift apart. I don't want to do same for me and Ulf. It is better that I live alone for now.

Why the hell you couldn't fight back...

You fucking made it so easy... Yes we should talk. Yes the situation is not working. Yes I have been a lot on planet side. Yes it hasn't been fair to you. Yes it might be better to break up.... Why the hell you had to be so reasonable... Why the hell you couldn't fight back.

He is taking peace of my hart with him...

It's done. Roc and I aren't an item anymore. I feel contradicted. I feel relief, like a weight would have been lifted from my back, but same time I am terribly sad and feel like I wanna crawl under my blanket and have a good crying fit. We were so close some point and I will miss that even last year we just have been drifting apart. He doesn't know it but he is taking peace of my hart with him.

Life gives and life takes...

Celebrating Ulf’s birthday with just the two of us was really nice. He had ordered ala carte dinner, bubbly and server to his home and we had enjoyable, sweet and private evening together. It made me realize that it has been a while since we last had more romantic date. We have spent evenings together at home and we have gone for ad-hoc beer occasionally, but we haven’t done actual dates since the early phases of the relationship. Having special dates for a change was surprisingly nice and romantic; I hadn’t expected to miss them that much. It also made me realize that our relationship has lost the first rush of romantic moments and viewing it through pink glasses and is now more everyday thing than special moments. Same time it’s nice that we have made this far but in a way also bit sad. In general we make each others happy, even others see it. Ulf said that when we are out together others look us jealously. I hadn’t realized that, but I guess it is true.

Next evening alone at home was worse than usual. The contrast between nice and happy evening with Ulf and the empty apartment that was supposed to be our apartment, mine and Roc’s and Cierelle’s, was so huge. I think I need to face the truth; our relationship didn’t last in the everyday life. I thought Roc was a station brat like me, but I was wrong. He has built life to planet side; clan, Cierelle, kids, duty and he feels like he belongs there. He has good life there. His place is with his family, but my life is in the space. Truth hurts, but avoiding acknowledging it hurts even more. Oh well, life gives and life takes.

Don’t know what he thought about it...

In general I hate inventing bithday presents to people that matter, I suck at it. Inventing birthday present for Ulf was hard. I am not completely happy for the idea I end up picking but I hope he picks the thought behind it. I liked my first idea but unfortunately it wasn’t feasible. In Gradient Ulf has learned slowly more industrial skills; I would have wanted to buy him blueprint copy of his favorate ship which he could have built for himself to use. I think the he would have valued a ship like that. Except I got this idea way too late to subtly find out what really is his favorate ship, it probably would have been a T2 ship and his producing skills probably aren’t even near to it, T1 ship he might have been able to build with just little additional studying. It was same time nice idea and completely stupid idea. I also went in my head through traditional Republic Firetails and such but they are nowadays pretty much useless, besides it’s a traditional thing to buy for a Minmatar pilot, I wanted to be a little bit more original. In the end I ended up to try to find something that might be usefull and nice to try out but something he wouldn’t have thought to try himself out. I bought him synthetic boosters, I have heard good things about them and besides I liked the idea making him a harder target to shoot at. When he opened the packet he mostly looked baffled, don’t know what he thought about it.