Finally...

Concord allows denying docking rights and station services from hostile militia! This is so good news. Of course we can't dock at their systems, but this makes it is a lot harder for them to try to capture and raid tribal lands. Finally!

I am missing a close friend...

I miss Orthanach... 

It is amusing how suspicious we were against each others in the beginning. I saw him as the shaman of the clan, who was evaluating on behalf of clan, would I be acceptable addition to the clan or a foreign frill that just wouldn't do anything good for the clan. He saw me as a rich foreign pilot, raised as Gallentean, potential disruption for the clan if not handled right. He had to work with me to see can I be made to understand my heritage, to see whether there is any Matari in me. Oh how much mutual distrust there was in the beginning.

I don't know how in the end it happened, but over the months we became friends and even lovers. I didn't tell this to Ulf. He did ask did I fell in love with a tribal lad on the planet. Orthanach sure is not a lad, but charming and tough bit older man and I didn't fall in love to him. I have always seen three aspects in all relationships friendship, desire and romantic love. It just varies on what portions there are those. I think with Orthanach we lacked the romantic love and since the beginning we knew that we are completely wrong to each others. Now we are mostly just friends. I miss his intelligent company, our daily conversations, I am missing someone with whom I can talk about my beliefs and how I have noticed them to change, my confusion. I am missing a friend that hugs me when I am down.

I used to have plenty of close friends in Pator. But suddenly I don't seem to have any. Ulf and Anuko are the only close friends left here and both are bit special cases. With Anuko I haven't really managed to properly talk after I came back and well... I am not sure  can I be the weak one in her presence. Ulf... we used to be able to talk about anything... but now... it's just weird situation... I don't want to sound too depressed or weak, I don't want to sound someone to whom he should feel obligated to be there... well since he would just feel that... he is nice in that way.

...I am missing a close friend.

I hope we could be friends...

I'm fine... Oh how familiar tone and selection of words. Your not lying when you pick a neutral world that tells other that your physically fine, even if your your soul is hurting, the other one will hear you'r good. Then I saw him at the office so angry and irritated. Obviously something had happened. I couldn't let it pass, I had to try.

He had lost a big crew, a battleship I think. He was so angry to himself, beating himself about it. If he would have been upset for loosing a shiny toy like many pilots would have been in that situation, I would have left him alone, but he was so upset about losing the crew. I couldn't help to remember how I have lost clones and how the most unlikely pilot... Veren... was then the one to be for me. Different situation and different kind of loss yes, but still I couldn't help thinking that maybe it is my turn to be the most unlikely person to be there if he wants company, be someone that distracts at least a bit the bad feeling, get your thoughts even for a moment to different path. I don't know did I do any good there, did I got trough his self-beating, but I tried to remind him that he is just a human too and he wouldn't be human if he wouldn't do mistakes occasionally.

Something he said keeps bothering me. When I asked did he loss any close friends in the crew... I don't have close friends... That sound so lonely. Who ever told him he needs to be more social was correct, everyone needs a close friend.

He has started finally to use my real name, not just Ms Avriette, so when saying good bye I wanted to use his name not just call sign and then it occurred to me that I probably have never heard anyone to use it. So I asked it... Rag'Nakhan. He seemed so confused about that. I think everyone should have someone that calls him by his real name.

The whole discussions reminds me of discussions which I have had with Veren. No idea was it appreciated, did I really got through to him, he is just so hard to read.

But he is now one the few that seem to be willing to really work with me in second shift. I would like to know him better, I hope we could be friends.

This has been a good week...

Four evenings at a row when walls at home are not caging me in, when the empty apartment doesn't depress me, when the station doesn't feel so empty, when corp channel doesn't feel like being full of strangers. I feel alive. Today in a different way than after finding the connection to the bio-dome, but all the same... alive. I feel again more home in Pator and Gradient. This has been a good week.

First drops of rain...

Apis and Vladimir... definitely persons I wouldn't have assumed to be my key contacts in second shift, but yet they turned out to be that. Both have surprised me, in different ways, but positively. Both have given me great ideas and food for thought. To my surprise I have enjoyed discussions with both of them tremendously. 

Rivers are formed by streams, streams are formed creeks merging, creeks are formed by drops. I think I am feeling the first drops of rain.

Small victory...

He called me Carinelle. Small victory.

Definitely want to try that out again...

Its ridiculous how simple things can be fun.  Going out to patrol with Vlad was fun. Almost first time for both of us to try hunting as a pair. We lacked routines and tactics what to do, but somehow it still was enjoyable. Lot more fun than going alone, felt lot more like my thing.  Compared to being in gang you got  to be lot more active and compared to FCing it was still more relaxed. It was also kind of nice that Vlad wasn't that experienced either but on the other hand solid and reliable pilot. We are both figuring it out. Definitely want to try that out again.

I feel more like having home here...

This is weird. Talking to Apis made me feel happy or at least happier than for a while. I still felt restless but for a change the depressed feeling was gone. I still didn't want to sit alone at home so I went to sit at the bio-dome again. Meditating in its peace was relaxing. The sacred herb incense helped me again find the connection to the bio-dome and station. It feels like the station has beautiful living hart inside it. It was relaxing and so energizing. Its been a while since I have felt happy and relaxed home, but now I feel positive about going to sleep.

Maybe all the living things do have spirit in them... this station doesn't feel so cold and dead anymore... maybe I have to really start to believe into them. What ever it is I feel more like having home here.

Sheesh that was so not like Apis I know...

I had the weirdest discussion with Apis. I can't remember when Apis would have voluntarily contacted me just to be social... yeah social … Apis!

But I have to admit it was nice. I have never known Apis really, maybe I haven't tried enough or maybe he hasn't given me chance for it. It's weird, but he managed to ask how I have been in a way that he got the most honest answer from all the people who have been asking that. Ok I didn't went and go and complain about how I sleep badly or that I am having depressed thoughts at the evenings. But I did say to him more than I am ok and getting used to be back to space. In a way it was refreshing to talk with a person with whom I don't have to look all strong and well doing or otherwise they go and worry too much or feel obligated to be there for me. In a way I have missed that kind of strong but neutral friend. Maybe that is the reason I actually answered him.

Although I wouldn't say he is a friend quite yet. In a way he reminds me of Veren. At best he is willing to be there, listen others, perhaps support them, but he is still very reluctant to voluntary talk about himself, give any personal information out. Amusingly I can recognize that if he would be opening up a bit more and would put effort charming me I might even fall for him. How many time I have burn my hart with just the type of like him. I did even fall for Veren even when he didn't open up, just charmed me.

But it sounded like Apis is looking to be more social, perhaps looking a friend. We'll see where this leads. Maybe we will become a friends. But sheesh that was so not like Apis I know.

I have changed...

I couldn't sleep. So I went to look the bio-dome Matariki mentioned to me. It was lovely. Air there felt so clean, so fresh and it was so quiet and calm there. I did sit there a long while meditating. I had the sacred herbs in incense burning slowly like Othanach had thought me and meditating. First time here in Kulheim I actually managed to form a connection to my surroundings. The bio-dome felt like vibrating hart of the station. I feel so much better now. I think I can sleep better now.

I can't imagine that I would have done this year ago. I have changed.

So I keep trying...

I have slowly started to believe into possibility of spirits. On planet side it was so much more easier to believe that every living thing in the nature has spirit. There, also possibility of ancestors looking after us, seemed more likely.

Here in space that feels lot harder to really believe. Everything here is man made, there really isn't nature around us. If I miss something from the planet side, it is the nature and the connection to it. I can't even start to describe the feeling at night alone in the wilderness after inhaling smoke from the sacred fire. I have never felt more alive. According to Orthanach the blood of my ancestors is strong in me, apparently even among them it is not usual to form that strong connection to the surroundings. In there I can almost believe to ancestors, that they stay with us, that they protect us. In the nature there is so strong anonymous life around us, but also something friendly. Maybe that friendly force is the ancestors. I kind of like the idea.

In space the closest connection to the universe around me is when I am the ship, floating in the space. The wide space around me is the closest thing to nature here, but it is not the same thing. Space is so dead, there isn't anything growing there. I can be same with it when I am the ship, but it doesn't fill me with life and there isn't anything friendly around us. Here it is very hard for me to believe into ancestors looking after us.

Orthanach encourages me to find connection with my surroundings here. He says I am pilot, that I belong to space so I should seek my connection with it. Space isn't his domain so he can't guide me here. But he says that the blood of ancestors is strong in me, it will guide me to find my way if I keep trying... so I keep trying.

For a moment the connection was back...

First time after my comeback it shortly felt like the old magical connection is back... our ability so naturally to talk about personal and deep topics... I had almost dropped hope for that still to exist. Too bad we were disrupted. But for a moment the connection was back.

It would be so easy...

I noticed that I have troubles to keep a promise I made for myself. Orthanach proposed to test taking a different approach for all my relationships for a while. See that does it make a difference. Not to give any excuses to others to take me lightly, consider me self evident or consider that I am not seriously involved.

I promised to myself that this time I won't make the first initiative to go for a date, I promised to myself to avoid one night stands and I promised to myself consider joining the clan and taking the voluval. It would be possible just legally agree on paper for making it official, but Orthanach said that it would make it too easy for some members of the clan consider me lightly, not as a full member and that would make it easy for myself to not consider myself as full member. So that would be giving excuses... for them as well as for myself. I don't have to decide it at once. According to Orthanach youngsters go through during their childhood a path of tasks that coach them into growing spiritually and understand better their cultural heritage. He thinks I could try the same approach and to do the same tasks even I am adult. That would help me understand better my cultural heritage and grow slowly to decide do I really want to take the voluval. I kind of like the idea.

That part of the promise doesn't sound too hard to keep... but with men... evenings are just so lonely. I miss having someone warm to keep me company, have someone to keep the depressing thoughts away... it would be so tempting to ask Someone for drinks and let one thing to lead to another... It would be so easy.

Enough of this...

I need to stop wallowing in misery and just get myself going again. Enough of this.