I am again worried about Feinlyn...

I finally had chance to meet Zorra again and talk with her. I lied to Feinlyn and I feel bit bad about it. I could have just asked him to take the last signature in digital form and send it to me over encrypted email, it wouldn't have been mandatory to see Zorra in person. My gut feeling says Feinlyn is good guy and is really helping Zorra, but she is just 17, what if I would have been wrong and he really wasn't helping her, after all he hasn't been the most stable guy lately. If I would have found out that later, I don't think I could forgive myself. So I had to get chance to talk to her personally. All I saw and heard from her confirmed me that he is treating her well and really helping her. On the contrary it seemed to me she is worried of him being depressed and being too much alone and not spending enough time with her. It almost sounds to me like Zorra will heal from her past sooner than Feinlyn from his.

Outside it has looked like Feinlyn really is getting his life together, he is back in Federation and he has found Federation Militia corp to work for. World is actually pretty small, that corp is Seriphyn's. But what I heard from Zorra sounds like he is depressed and mostly avoiding social contacts. It can't be good for him. I am not worried about Zorra anymore, but I am again worried about Feinlyn.

I have bad feeling about this...

On Sunday Anuko was with me and Sonja in The Last Gate. A guy Anslo whom Sonja had met earlier end up hanging out with us. Anuko was so flirting with him. She had to leave pretty soon, but she had already promised to invite him to the opening party of her bar once she decides when to have it. After she left, Sonja in practice encouraged Anslo to ask her out. He mentioned something that his friend would kill him if he would do that. I thought he meant that he had jealous lady friend.

Turned out I was so wrong. I ended up to The Last Gate with Sonja today again, Anslo showed up there right about moment Sonja had to leave, so I decided to hang out bit more and find out who this Anslo is. Well he is not exactly pirate but very close. “We're...adventure capitalists..." In pratise the corporation he works for is claiming space in Ganoure, keeping it clean from scum but also demanding “tax” from good people operating there. So pirates in practice.

Then he mentions his friend Aggey "I want to be friends with Anuko. Aggey.. .heh, he's the one head over heels for her." Apparently this Aggey is Vhekior, but they are like brothers except they are different race. This Aggey has met Anuko like once, very briefly, but lost his hart to her on first sight. So Anslo intents just to introduce Aggey properly to Anuko. He told that this Aggey is bit shy. But I am not so sure does Anslo want to be just friend with Anuko or would there be more. He is obviously stepping side and letting this Aggey have priority. But he mentioned something “We could be twins, if we were of the same race” If they are so same would they both have crush to same girl.

Oh I can see this going sooo well. First of all Anuko really doesn't handle well rejection from the guys she has crush... If Anslo tries to reject her politely and same time introduce Aggey... that already has potential for ugly scene. Even if not considering that first potential for mess, if Anuko dates either of them it will be dating pirate... even if they don't pirate in the Republic. Still that will mean she would need to handle crap and I really don't know is her psyche up to it yet.

But I can't decide for her how she should live her life and what mistakes she should make. If I would, I wouldn't respect her much, but I have bad feeling about this.

I hope you are patient with me...

I was the one to tell you I love you first... but now you are the one that is fluent with those words and it's me who has difficulties to say them aloud. It has always been hard for me to have courage to say those words aloud, the first time with you was kind of exception, I wasn't thinking about it and it kind of slipped from me. Now you tell me those words every time we see, even on comms and letters, so naturally and every time those words become scarier to me. I can easily use words like honey, hon, sweetie... they are lighter, they don't carry so much weight. But that big word … love... seem to get stuck inside me and I can't say it.

I was impatient with you, when you had to get used to idea saying those words for the first time, but now its me who is lagging behind. Oh I am so impossible, I hope you are patient with me.

Scary and wonderful same time...

My thoughts again come back to the naming ceremony and linkage it created to Draden and Roia… and indirectly to Rocius. Even if we would break up with him the next day the link to Draden and Roia would be there until they are old enough. Even I and Roc don't have any official tie to each others, I am still a little bit a mother to his children no matter what... that in a way is first link between us... it is kind of scary and wonderful. Wonderful because even idea of permanent tie between us makes my hart jump and scary because still when we are separated I keep wondering can this work out... and we are separated a lot... scary and wonderful same time.

He reminds me from myself even he has gone through so different path...

Caellach told me his story how he had ended up into Naraka. It’s very different from my story, but yet in the beginning there are that much similarities that I wonder where I would be if I hadn’t heard about Gradient from Chase and ended up here right away. Caellach was young and idealistic, wanted To Do Right Things, Something Big and not just serve corporations gathering isk because of isk… oh that strikes so familiar. He also found out via hard way that world isn’t pretty or ideal… that sounds so familiar too, I am just happy I was in very different environment when I started to realize that.

Initially he picked Federation Intelligence Office as his employer. What would be greater than helping Federation through FIO? But suprise suprise FIO guys aren’t the white knights, but the guys that take care of the dirty laundry. Even I could have guessed that beforehand... maybe. He should have picked Federation Navy if we wanted to be the white knight. He was disappointed hard, although that last mission, which he told me, really shocks me. I just can’t believe it from Federation, it has to be a show of one sick individual in the system…sabotage of one of the Republic bases in order to make Amarr looks worse and Federation better. I can’t believe even FIO would officially accept that.

He ended up hang out with wrong people that gave bad ideas to him. He though he joined nice and idealistic industrial corporation, well I guess it looked like that for while. Once he learned what is going on under the surface he applied to Re-aw.

That basically could have been me if I hadn't heard about Gradient. I probably would have tried to find Something Important To Do for the Federation to really help or searched other corporations with ideology and that time I was so innocent, I probably could have bought the story of Preta Industries, I so easily could have ended up picking similar hazardous path. He has gone through very different kind of path than I have, but I still recognize similarities. He has become tougher, more cynical, he has learned how to play the on the field, but I think there is still small portion of that young idealist left. He reminds me from myself even he has gone through so different path.

I think I was right after all...

Feinlyn contacted me again. He has finally really met real slaves and realized that no matter that there are people who voluntarily are being slaves, there are plenty of those who don't voluntarily do that but are forced into it. He has adopted a slave girl and wants to help her, get her out. He is on his way to Federation to start a new life. I promised to help him to get proper ID and such to that girl Zara. I don't know who is who in Federation anymore so I can't recommend any corporations to Feinlyn. I hope he finds a good job, he really needs structure into his life, I don't think it would be good to for him to be just freelancer. After the month in Amarr space his standings suck, and that corp don't look good in his employment history. He needs to work hard to get people in Federation and Republic to trust him again.

Meeting Zara has seemed to do good for him. There was no word of that nonsense about maybe he is meant to serve others. It looked like he had found a new purpose to his life. He still looked tired like hell, but he was in control of his life again.

I already did wonder was my gut feeling about him wrong. I judged from the start that he is good fellow, bit lost, but good. The path he seemed to selected made me wonder was I wrong. But apparently he just needed to learn facts of life through hard way. I think I was right after all.

Am I a silly or are there spirits...

I have never believed into any god, faith, spirits, magic etc mystics. Still lately I have caught myself wondering what if something mystical after all exists. The naming ceremony and link it created between me and twins felt stronger than just the words. Ulf believes into spirits, he says there are plenty of those in Paiho. I asked does he think there are spirits in ships and stations, he wasn't sure but he said that ships have felt to him like they would have spirits and they work better if you talk to the spirit of the ship. I don't know would I believe into that, but it made me think about The Shackled Amarr... after that horrible incident there, it has felt different. It used to feel like home, a friendly place. Now I haven't felt comfortable in there, Sonja has felt same. I wonder... do bars have spirits, and did we anger that spirit. After CJ had her party there, SA has started to feel little bit better again. Am I a silly or are there spirits?

He has seemed like a nice fellow to me...

Ulf says Karlos is just bartender and nothing more. When looking his standings and security status that actually looks like its true. So maybe he personally is not pirating, he has seemed like a nice fellow to me.

It's really none of my business....

Meh, Sonja's looking troubles. She just earlier yesterday said she is only looking, but not touching... but I am not sure do I believe her. Caellach said yesterday at the party to her something, which makes me believe she is lying: “Still going well with your new fella?” and Sonja's reaction was to blush and try to hush it: “Hush about that. and yeah...” Both I and Sonja met Caellach same time and that was after Sonja broke up with Simeon. Sonja has been spending lot of time in The Last Gate and apparently flirting a lot with Karlos, but what Caellach said kind of hints that there might be more going on with them.

According Gottii Veto has slowly started to pirate again in Republic area, killed some Minmatar militia. Not good. It has been possible to categorize Veto as less evil bad guys since they have on purpose stayed out of Republic. But timing of this is bad. Karlos is now neutral but he is pretty fast red if Veto continues to pirate in Republic and Sonja is so asking troubles if dating a red.

I am worried about her, but it's really none of my business.

I don’t know what I should do...

I have told couple of my friends that I and Ulf date. Sonja, Bel and Tal are just happy I am seeing nice guy that makes me happy… but Anuko...

We chatted what had happened while she was away etc. I was so full on happiness because of Ulf that I just kind of started to blurt that I have new boyfriend. After I had said the first words I realized “oh I totally forgot that she used to have crush to Ulf”… and dozens confusing thoughts hit my mind in a whirl… “She just got out of hospital, her mind is still fragile, is this good time for telling this”… “But the gossips are out, better to tell her directly and not to let her to learn it from gossips”… “She has had a crush at least to Simeon after this, maybe she is over Ulf”… I had blurted the first sentence, so no way out of telling also rest of it. So I told her that I and Ulf are couple now… it seemed to hurt her. She went awfully guiet; her reactions reminded me from how I reacted when Sonja told me about her and Simeon being couple. I guess she still had feelings toward him. I felt bad even I know that I nor Ulf hadn’t done anything wrong, it was already months ago when she had crush to Ulf and he never in purpose let her to believe that he would be anything else than just friend to her, it wasn’t even me who Ulf had crush back then… but I still felt bad. But I was happy I told her, it hurt me so much when I had realized how long Sonja had hided from me that there is something between her and Simeon and just let me continue work my hope up. Not a same thing, but still I definitely didn’t want to do anything like that to Anuko and considering her tendency to paranoia it would had been worst possible option, but on that moment I didn’t think it this throughout.

On weekend Ulf hinted in his letter that Anuko had threatened him; something along lines he better not hurt me. In the same time that does and doesn’t surprise me. I definitely didn’t see it coming, I would have expected more pining after him, but once heard about it that made sense. When it comes to men, she doesn’t pine after them. She seems easily to fall in love to guys that try to be nice to her, help her, but she can not accept option that maybe it was she who read the signs wrong, so the fault needs to be in the guy, the guy was the bastard that played with her feelings. Ever since I first time intervened with her drug usage and half forced her to rehabilitation and negotiated her out of the deal which had forced her to do work which her psyche couldn’t handle, she has thought about me as kind of big sister. Already when I had hard time with Simeon Anuko had threatened him too. I guess if she sees Ulf through ‘the guy is bastard’ filter she is afraid he will hurt me too like he hurt her.

Should I just let the topic be and hope that time fixes things, or should I try to talk to her? I don’t want her to try to protect me from bogeys that don’t even exist and I don’t want her to give Ulf hard time because of me. I don’t know what I should do.

I am Falen Mor...

… or godmother with more common language. When Roc and Cierelle asked me to become godmother to Draden and Roia I felt honored. It’s great responsibility, if something happens to Roc and Cierelle I should be mother to the twins. In Federation we have godmothers too… but I always thought it more nominal custom. I still felt like that when I talked about the responsibility of Falen Mor first with Roc and then with the shaman and about the practical ceremony related to it. I have been good with the babies, played with them and not panicked when I have been baby sitting, even considered babies sweet, but not loved them, I haven't had a real connection to them until now... When in the actual ceremony the shaman placed the twins to my lap, asked me the words and gave to me that gulp of drink that contains the nanites that create the tattoo… it didn’t felt nominal anymore… I really felt something strong in my hart… I really felt like in that moment a bond was created between me and twins… I don’t know what happened, what was different. It was just words after all and nanites that create the tattoo…but still it felt so much more and still feels…I am Falen Mor.

The whole situation is so stupid...

MUFF had meeting wit EM. Result was what you would expect if you have Simeon and Meklon negotiating in a meeting where they should apologize and be humble… apparently no apology, no amendments… they are still red… I wonder does this mean they’ll eventually come to “rip out the hart of the Republic” and dec us.

This is stupid; a corporation and a alliance that could be fighting for the Republic is starting to hate Republic more and more because of a mistake, which one man can’t admit and accept consequences of his actions and be humble in front of them. But we can’t neglect a death of our man and just say it’s ok because they fight for the Republic. It would be saying yeah sure just kill us anyway you like as far as you claim to be on side of the Republic.

But still it is stupid situation and I wish I could kick sense into skulls of those two stubborn idiots. They won’t listen to me, I am not neutral anymore, and I am their enemy as well. So no use me trying to yell them. But it is so frustrating to sit a side and see them slowly turn into enemies of the Republic. The whole situation is so stupid!

Are there such things as honorable thieves...

I guess I have never consciously thought about it, but I have more or less divided bad guys to more honorable ones and less honorable ones. In my books the honorable ones have their own code of conduct, if they promise something they keep their word. They have reputation and they consider maintaining it important. Less honorable ones are the scum of the space, don’t particularly have code of conduct of any sort and they don’t have no troubles to lie or eat their word. For example I have always put Verone to first mentioned category. Of course I don’t really know him, but I have an impression he is some sort of Republic loyalist, even VETO pirates Verone keeps the group mostly out of the Republic, I might be also wrong but I have impression that if he promises something he also keeps his word. The fact that Else and Eva seem to respect him would support this image.

It would be interesting to know how “bad guys” themselves see things. Yesterday we ended up with Sonja to go have drinks at The Last Gate again. We met Eva and KJ in company of ex-bad girl Shae Tiann and bad guy Cartel affiliate pilot Caellach Marellus; one could maybe say that they seemed to belong to the “honorable thieves” category. Shae was ex Hellcat and brand new U’K member, Eva was joking that she would try to recruit her if it wouldn’t be bad behavior to recruit from another friendly corporation and unless she wouldn’t expect her to suffocate by the strict NRDS policy. This did lead to discussion that she never though she could become anti-pirate because she would feel unethical stab her ex-comrades even she had left the pirate life behind. These discussions made me curious and wonder what different kind of code of conducts the “more honorable bad guys” have. It’s also interesting philosophical question, can you be honorable if you steal and kill others in order to take their possession or ransom them.

4 years ago I would have seen things very black and white and considered that honorable thief is oxymoron, but being pilot for 3,5 years and seeing how hard place space is, I have started to see several shades of grey. So I am wondering… are there such things as honorable thieves?

Don't they say that all publicity is good publicity or something...

Oh, oh oh this is amusing! Our girls night out apparently got us to The Last Gate VIP list... This also makes me wonder why other people are on that list, including Eva and Else... what they have done?

The Last Gate VIP Guest List
Lucash Helmat
Achile Abraxas
Kimochi Rendar
Darina Rea
Kelsy Talan
Myrhial Arkenath
Reimei Kaminamida
Evanda Char
Elsebeth Rhiannon
Sonja Dragooran
Carinelle Avriette

I wonder what this does to my reputation. But don't they say that all publicity is good publicity or something :-P

Martyr or stranger...

Simeon… either I don’t know him at all anymore or he is on some stupid noble martyr gig. I went yesterday to the Last Oasis, I wanted to talk to him…kick his ass for hurting Sonja, really hear from him what is going on… and see is there anything to be salvaged from our old friendship. He was there only in holo and he was all weird and cold. He confirmed that he is taking MUFF to the State, but he also made weird threats; coming back when ready and “ripping out the hart of the Republic”, like what the hell. He refused to explain any further other than that they will threat everyone who opposes them and also Republic if she so chooses. I would here more after meeting with them and EM. That point I couldn’t make any sense to his words, but I guess “hart of the Republic” could refer to EM and opposing them us having them red. So that could have been threat against EM and not such against Republic, that would make little bit more sense.

I also asked directly why the hell he went and cheated Sonja. He didn’t say much but it slipped from him that he loves both of them, but we are now red and that would hurt Sonja sooner or later. I asked directly that did he hurt her in order to drive her away… answer was silence. That angle would actually make a bit more sense. It actually would sound that kind of stupidity he would do. He causes nothing more than troubles to Sonja so its better they broke up, it would also make sense that he consider that our friendship causes troubles to me, so he pushes me away too. That would explain the “Pilot Avriette” again. If this is such a trick I have to say its just stupid and cruel. I hated Roc when when he broke up with me because he wanted to protect me from his troubles, but at least he was honest for the reasons. I didn't have to wonder why. Poor Sonja is so confused.

Am I just finding excuses for Simeon and is he really someone I don’t know at all or is this some stupid martyr act. Martyr or stranger?

I wish I could kick someone’s ass for pain they are causing to Sonja...

On Sunday Sonja needed cheering up, she was planning to go drink heavily, letting her to do that alone didn’t sound so good idea so I and Eva made company to her and tried to make it cheerful girls night out at the Last Gate. The three of us were pretty horrible and vulgar; we even tried to persuade Karlos and later Verone to serve tables without shirt. Even they were flirt and weren’t bothered by us, I am still bit shamed of that part of the evening. If we would had been guys and Karlos a woman serving the tables it would have been inappropriate behavior, the roles being other way round it wasn’t so bad, but still not best behavior from us. Not that I would consider nudity or small clothes inappropriate but if one had not selected those he or she shouldn’t need to hear proposals to that direction when working.

I think we all had fun, but it wasn’t completely cheerful, it’s just too difficult to ignore certain nasty things. Sonja and Simeon had broken up week ago, but Siohban still sent her some nasty messages, telling she had slept with Simeon since the incident and apparently she was making it sound like Sonja’s fault that Simeon cheated her. It’s like saying nyah nyah I got the man and by the way I was sleeping with him already when you still were together and its all because you were so stupid. How low that girl can go? Eva told that Siohban had also sent messages to her, trying to stab her as well. Seriously the girl sounds like manipulating bitch. We tried to tell to Sonja not to believe her lies and just ignore her messages. This came bit hard when Sonja received message from Simeon that basically said yeah he had slept with her since the incident and it had been his idea to be quiet about it.

I don’t know what all has been in those messages and who did the initiative and frankly I don’t care to know. But what I do know is that around that incident inside one week that “naïve bit lost little girl” has been sleeping with three guys. At the night of that incident I went to talk with Veranon and saw Siohban sleeping in his bed apparently naked and apparently still few days after the incident Siohban had tried to convince Veranon to leave with her to the State and now Simeon claims that she has slept also with him since the incident and talks about love and going to the State with her. That same “naïve bit lost little girl” also seems to have a habit of sending messages to other people in order trying to stab them as badly as she can, and possibly make them have jealousy fits. Seriously… how Simeon can believe that any of her feelings are real after all this. Simeon isn’t innocent in this, but it really looks like that Siohban is the bitch of this play. I wish I could kick someone’s ass for pain they are causing to Sonja.

I really think I love him...

I love talking with Ulf but on rare moments I occasionally feel like strangling him for some of his questions. But then on following moment his next words can take me to seventh heaven. Saturday morning there was one of those moments I felt like strangling him.

He wakes me up and even before I have opened my eyes he started to ask “How do you tell if you love someone?” … “No, I guess it doesn't. But ... when you said you might be ... falling in love with me,.. what does that mean?” On logical level I did realize he asked it because he was uncertain of his own feelings, but on emotional level I couldn't help feeling that is he questioning my feelings, demanding me to proof them, not believing me. But I didn't strangle him and I listened my logical side.. and I am glad I did. I tried to put it on words even it is impossible to just describe accurately what love is. “Thank you. I think I feel the same...” He didn't say directly he would love me, but already those words made me feel warm and fuzzy.

But it wasn't anything compared to the completely happy feeling he caused me on Saturday evening. We saw again after my work. He invited me to his place to have take-away food and just be together with him. It already was pretty homey feeling, we talked over food a lot about what is going on in Gradient and Re-aw, gossiped some related to our friends, like old couple does. But then we suddenly were back on topic of the morning “Nelle, about what you said yesterday...” …”I think I might be falling in love too...” It just made me soft, glow, warm, fuzzy... so happy. It's stupid I needed to hear those words, I have seen I make him happy, but still it felt so good to hear it. “I love you” … “I love you too” and it felt so good to say it. Always before those words have been something really hard to get out of my mouth, so hard to say aloud for the couple of first time. But with him it just feels so natural and I trust him so absolutely. This has happened so fast, it scares me a lot, but I really think I love him.