Yes mother...

”Nelle you need to get back to your own life, not live mine. It was a different thing when I had days left, possibly only weeks. Now things have changed. The new medicine gives me weeks, months, possibly even years if we are lucky. I simply won't let you just sit by my bed. I would be very bad mother if I would do that. Besides now that they gave me normal life back even if for temporary I will take everything out of it that I can. You have your life, friends, certain significant others, duties in Republic. You need to get back there.”

But, but, but... yes mother.

They did it!

They did it, they fucking did it! They found a new combination that neutralizes the poison the virus creates. It's not a cure and the pace the virus changes it wont help for long ... but they did it... You have some weeks even months time if we are lucky. You could travel again, do things you said you still would love to do... They did it!

I hope you got something out of this...

Dear Jarvis and Emily,

I tried to think what to tell you about myself. You are grandparents to me even you never had chance to see what kind of kid I was, never be part of important nor everyday moments of my life. My mother found her old diaries and she told couple of stories from there from my childhood she had wrote down. Maybe these would have been things you would have heard as I grow if we would have known each other’s back then. Here is first of them which still felt meaningful to me and I think it describes something how I still see the world.

My parents (or more accurately the Intaki couple who adopted me but who are and always will be my parents were researchers) were doing type of research that was needed to in space. So I have lived most of my childhood on small and quiet research stations. When I was under 5 years old I had nanny to take care of me and one other kid during the days when our parents were working. There weren’t that many small children on the small research colony where we lived at the time. New couple was moving to station and they had a same aged girl who was supposed to join our little daycare group under our nanny. Few days before Natasha joined our group our nanny told us old children story from the area she was from.

Once upon a time there was a village. Village was set on very beautiful and rich area. South to the village laid a green and blue river and rich fields and meadows and to north a big forest full of animals. But the village was very agriculture oriented; they never went to the forest. All the children were taught to be afraid of getting lost to the forest and taught to avoid it. People in the village were tall and red haired. One day a black haired older man Steafin and his son Andre arrived to the village. They were half nomads used to live from hunting and gathering of fruits of forests. They were tired of traveling and were looking new home. They politely asked would the villagers be disturbed if they would stay on the area and hunt in the forest. Villagers told them they never go to the forest and warned them that it is dangerous and proposed that it would lot better to them to settle down to a farm. Strangers laughed to them and said that ok if no one is disturbed from them hunting they settle down to the area.

Black haired strangers found the forest to be perfect rich hunting area for them and they decided to make the forest their new home. Occasionally they made trips to the village. Steafin and Andre were first dark haired people the villagers had ever seen and their way of life to live and hunt in the forest scared them. At the best they were considered weird but some even thought they were somehow evil like the forest to be able to live there. So when Steafin and Andre came to the village they were treated as suspicious people. Villagers traded food for their furs but socializing with them was not seen too good idea. But despite this over the years Andre and a village girl Ciri fall in love. Ciri’s father was against their relationship Ciri had strong will and she didn’t listen her father.

Then came a strange year and another and another... Winters were really long and summers dry, the crops were bad and for the first time villager’s experienced real hunger. Steafin and Andre were still doing well, forest still offered lot of animals to hunt and plants to gather even if it was dry year. Andre didn’t want to see Ciri to see hunger and brought food to their family and tried to convince her father that forest is actually great source of food and not so dangerous they think. Eventually Ciri’s father decided that maybe just maybe Steafin and Andre made sense and decided to overcome his fear and asked Steafin and Andre to take him and his son and Ciri to the forest and teach them. With the help of Steafin and Andre they overcame their fear and started to see forest as a great resource. They felt silly for thinking Steafin and Andre weird and even possibly evil. They asked would Steafin and Andre teach also other villagers if there would be an interested in group. Andre was really happy that Ciri’s father finally started to see him as a man he was and talked his father to participate even he was bitter for the villagers how they had treated them for years. Ciri’s father and brother managed to convince a group of young folks try to learn to hunt. This group became familiar with the forest and brought game to the village. Eventually the group became larger and villagers learned to use the rich resource they had right next to the village. Even hard years continued the village didn’t see hunger anymore when they now used full extent of their natural resources around the village and not just half of it. They also understood that the black haired men Steafin and Andre are just different and not weird or evil and that different can be good. They swore that never again they wouldn’t consider different evil but equal and a possibility to learn new skills.

Andre and Ciri married on next year and settled to live at the village from were Andre did his hunting trips to the forest. They got several children, Andre and Steafin taught them the ways of forest and Ciri and her father taught them the basics farming and let them select which felt best career for them. When Steafin became too old to wander in forest he settled down to village too and started to appreciate the benefits of living in one place and not needing to move all the time and understand better the good sides of the agricultural life on one place.

Mom told me that it was first time when I started to think are there other kind of environments and people in the world than just small research colonies. When they came home from work I had wanted to tell them to the story and started to ask what all kinds of people lived in the world and what they do for their living. They had considered me tremendously amusing but answered my questions the best they were able to. Then couple of days later the new kid Natasha joined our daycare group. She was different, she was first brown skinned person we had ever met and she suffered from some condition that made one of legs grow somehow wrong and it wasn’t possible to fix via surgery she had to grow a bit more. We didn’t know what to think of her, she was different. But our nanny made us think about the story and that meeting new people is a possibility learn new things and she asked whether Natasha could tell what kind of games she know and teach us a new game. It was tremendously fun for us and in the process we accepted her as she was. Of course I was eager to tell all this for my parents too when they came home from work. My mother wrote the incident down because she was proud that I had learned to accept people as they are and learn from them even if they first seem little different to me. I guess that still describes one of the basic attitudes I try to follow in my life.

Huh this became pretty long letter, but I hope you got something out of this.

Br, Carinelle

Just little bit longer...

It's not lying if I don't tell everything... yet... right? I just hope I am nobody enough in Republic and that they aren't bold enough to check pilot register. I gave strict orders to the agent for what to tell and what not to. I want to be an average Gallentean girl... just little bit longer.

It feels even darker after the glimpse of a sun...

I am back in the dark cocoon with my thoughts and nothing to distract me from them. Dark, pessimistic, cynical… my head isn’t a nice place to be. It feels even darker after the glimpse of a sun.

Br, Jarvis Lougherne

Dear Carinelle,

I am so happy to hear about you. Words are not enough to describe emotions going through me… joy, relief, sadness. I and my wife have lived 45 years in unsureness, not knowing is our son dead or still alive somewhere, suffering or happy. Even after all these years we haven’t forgot him, we have burned every year on his birthday candle of remembrance to him, hoping he is alive and happy somewhere but being afraid of the worst. It was great to hear that regardless how young he was taken from us he still held a memory of us. I attached a picture of me and Emily taken roughly 40 years ago, so you can see the curls of which her he did remember. Nowadays those black curls are white as snow.

I am sad to hear that he is dead, but happy to hear that they never broke him, that he was strong and that he found love in his life and had a child regardless of circumstances. I am sad to hear that the woman he loved… Adrianelle… is badly sick, I hope there would be a chance to meet her. It would be great to talk with the woman my son loved and hear from her what kind of man my son had become. I also hope more than anything that you will give us a chance to get to know you. You are one of our grandchildren. You were lost but now found through luck. I understand that you can’t leave Adrianelle now, but when you can you are anytime welcome to visit us at Olfeim IV. In the mean time I an Emily both will be writing to you.

Br, Jarvis Lougherne

Maybe we could try to get to know each other’s via letters...

Dear Jarvis Lougherne,

I don’t know how I should start a letter to a grandfather who I week ago didn’t know to have. You should know by now that there is match to DNA sample you had provided to Dal Family Reunions, so you should know that somewhere in here is a girl that very likely is your granddaughter.

My biological mother Adrianelle and father Caren … your son… met in captivity as human guinea pigs in test laboratories of some Amarr medical facility. According Amars your son was trouble. He was problem case since he kept fighting in any way he could, he didn’t accept his position, and he agitated others. That’s why he was there, that was a place where they sent troublemakers. According Adrianelle “Caren” was the only name he remembered from his past. In general he didn’t have many memories left from his childhood, but he had hazy image in his head about her mother and father… a curly, black haired woman who’s laugh was like a stream of water and who used to hug him warmly after he had hurt himself on some mischief and a big bold man who used to scold him after the mentioned mischief but then take him to watch space ships in any case.

To everyone’s surprise they fell in love and Adrianelle became pregnant. They wanted their child to born in freedom and that drove them to escape. They partly succeeded… mother got away but Caren died in the process. Mother escaped to Federation. She was badly sick and wasn’t sure what the medical tests had done to her and to her unborn child. She wasn’t sure would she live to see the birth of her child. She agreed with her best friend and her husband that they would adopt the child and be parents for it. She lived to see the child to born, a healthy child. She was terribly sick after it for months and no-one believed she would survive, but she did. But she felt it was better that the child… I… would be safer if no-one knew who her real parents were and it would be better for the child to have two healthy parents that are not in a risk to die anytime the virus in her system would decide to activate itself. So she became just my godmother.

I grew up without knowing anything of this. Then few years back through a complicated series of events I became to hear the main parts of the story. This year then I heard about these services that reunite ex-slaves to clans based on DNA matches and decided to try my luck and here we are.

I actually live in Republic but currently I am visiting Adrianelle in Federation. Her illness is in terminal phase so I try to spend as much as time as I can with her. But if you wish I could come to meet you when Adrianelle is on more stable phase. In a meantime maybe we could try to get to know each other’s via letters.

Best regards,
Carinelle Avriette

I don’t feel anything for him...

I have clan… grandparents, uncle, two aunties… probably some cousins… I don’t know what I should think or feel. Jarvis Lougherne… now he is just name on a paper. I don’t feel anything for him.

Belth Investigations Ltd

Dear Ms Avriette,

Thank you for contacting us. As response to your inquiry of clan Lougherne and Jarvis Lougherne, here is the information available quickly from public records. Our investigators are on your use if you wish us to perform deeper study.

Clan Lougherne:

• Based on Olfeim IV, but some members registered to live on various stations around Heimatar
  
• Leader: Addolgar Lougherne son of Anwir and Lysanor Lougherne (Lysanor Lougherne sister of Jarvis Lougherne)
  
• 96 registered members
  
• Associated strongly with Trade House Lougherne
  

Jarvis Lougherne:

• Married to Emily Lougherne, 4 children Caren (reported missing since 5 years age), Cain, Wynne and Vala
  
• Ex leader of inter planetary unit of Trade House Lougherne
  

Trade House Lougherne

• CEO: Addolgar Lougherne
  
• Leader of intra planet trade: Eponette Lughern (daughter of Epona Lughern)
  
• Leader of inter planetary trade: Cain Lougherne (son of Jarvis Lougherne)
  
• Old and respected intra planet trading house in Olfeim IV
  
• Roughly 30 years ago launched small inter planetary trade branch by Jarvis Lougherne
  
  • Even inter planetal branch is small in size it currently creates roughly 50% of the profit of the trade house

With best regards

Winona Belth,
Investigator, Belth Investigations Ltd

I am not going to be used by anyone...

Of course you should make contact with them! They are your kin! You owe it to Carin that you make contact with them”

It’s not that simple. My life is what it is, partly because of decisions made by you. My life works now. I am not so sure do I want to add complications to it. I am pilot, wealthy pilot, filthy rich from dirt dweller point of view. What would you do, if a billionaire would contact you and tell that she is your long lost granddaughter? Of course you would welcome her with smile and open arms. But would your feelings be real… yes at least as long as you think her wallet and what she could do for you.

Of course I am curious for… who are my grandparents… from what kind of background my biological father came… do I have tons of aunties and cousins… but I don’t know can I make real relationships to them as pilot. Is it all they see? It might have been different if I would have got to know them in my childhood when I was just plain Carinelle, a kid of a promising young researcher. Besides they don’t know what kind of man my biological father was. They now what kind of a toddler he was, but they don’t have a clue who he grew up to be.

But if nothing else than to make your last days happy I will contact them, maybe I can arrange that my … grandfather… could meet you… But I am not going to walk there blind; I want to be fully informed… who the political parties are there, who are the ones behind the power, what kind of game they play and what are the stakes in the game. I am not going to be used by anyone.

Dal Family Reunions Ltd...

Dear Ms Avriette,

It is now confirmed that the DNA sample you provided matches with clan Lougherne. In further investigations it matches more accurately to DNA sample of Jarvis Lougherne who has reported his oldest son gone missing at age 5, most likely related to slave raid of Ammatar slave trader party roughly 45 years ago.

Jarvis Lougherne asks your contact information. With your permission we can deliver them to him. Jarvis Lougherne’s contact information attached here, he also sends his wish to be reunited with his possible grandchild.

With best regards,

Darin Jones, secretary of area 3
Dal Family Reunions Ltd

Maybe sun isn’t too warm and bright after all…

Seeing you even for the one evening was wonderful. I was late. I missed the official program and your speech. I feel sorry for that but maybe that was for the best. Honestly I don’t know if I would have managed to be social and friendly in big crowd and show appropriate happiness.

After living modestly in small apartment and mostly spent my time alone with my thoughts or with mom and Adrianelle, it felt like I would have lived past weeks inside dark cocoon and suddenly I would have been pushed outside to sun. Surroundings just felt too bright, too colorful, too loud… I didn’t feel like I belong there. I don’t think many noticed it, since I smiled, I think I asked the right questions and gave appropriate answers myself.

But best part of the evening was to curl close to you, just for a moment forget everything and for a once fall sleep without thinking sad thoughts. Feel that maybe sun isn’t too warm and bright after all.

Good luck!

New alliance executor. To be honest I didn’t see this coming. I never thought you would have the needed ambition to apply that position.

But now that I think of it… you have the qualities to be a good alliance leader. You listen and notice details. You have very strong feeling of right and wrong, but enough practicality to know to step on grey area if needed. You are kind… many might think too kind… but you have your ruthless side too even if it has not been visible in EM... a quality which you will need sooner or later.

You have the qualities to be good leader... if you only succeed to become leader in the minds of the people. It’s a big challenge. Sad to say but Eva was the last true executor of EM. Even if towards the end of her era even she let it slip. Since then members of EM have used to live without true executor, do whatever they want, follow suggestions of executor of EM only if it pleases them and ignore anything they don’t fully endorse. Roc tried but failed. KJ didn’t even try.

Roc is right with his thought that doacracy of EM has gone that far that it has made Arkady as most active “doer” the defacto leader of EM. Even if corporations vote someone else into executor position it still doesn’t mean that people believe into him. I hope you succeed where others failed, but it won’t be easy. Good luck!

What if…

What if you would have decided differently? I wonder how different my life would have been. What if you would have been my mom… You were researcher too, so I guess various research stations would still have been my home. But very likely I wouldn’t have met Isobel and become friends with her. You never worked on same project with her parents. Maybe I would have known that my father is Sebiestor, maybe you would have found his clan in same way I did now… maybe I would have had grandparents, cousins etc... a clan. You as mom would probably have encouraged me to become pilot instead of trying to talk me out of it.

What if I would have been one of the Sebiestors from the beginning in Republic instead of being one of the outsiders? Would that had impacted my career in Gradient, would that have changed how things went with BT. Would that have impacted how I reacted when Gina first time contacted me, would a different reaction had made any difference. What if… What if…

You were thinking my benefit...

You made huge sacrifice to guarantee me the best life you were able to deliver in the circumstances. I can’t even imagine how hard that was for you. Then later finding out that it wouldn’t have been necessary and then again selecting my best interest in your mind.

I can’t really even imagine how it would feel to be pregnant, to be constantly reminded that my love of my life is dead and same time to be terribly sick and to be afraid that my unborn child will suffer or even die. Not knowing will I even survive until I manage to give birth to my child.

You made hard decision, decision that felt necessary to you back then. You were thinking my benefit.

I just hope I could do something...

I have been weeks away from space, from Ulf, from work…just away from my normal life. It’s been strange. My current day routine is so different… get up, breakfast with my mothers, then Adrianelle has her treatments and mom goes to help with research so I have my time for daily workout. I am probably in better physical shape than for ages. Then lunch with mom after that I have after noon time to spend with Adrianelle until it is again time for her evening treatments.

I feel so helpless. At least mom is able to help the research group with the medical research. This is first time I feel sorry that I never learned medical science… I just hope I could do something.

So many unsaid words and so little time…

I wasted so much time for being angry to you… for being hurt because you didn’t tell me sooner that you were my mother. Now I don’t have much time with you. Again you’re little better but they say it’s temporary and it will last months at best. So many words and so little time.