We were closer to each others than ever...

Another Friday, another dates with Ulf... I don't know what to think about yesterday. We went to bar for a bit but then made some excuses and headed home just the two of us. Then like normally we curled up to couch and just talked, but today it somehow had different tone... lot more serious...

We talked about my trip to Orien and what I had told Roc about us. In middle of everything it kind of slipped from me … “I think I might be falling in love to you” … even his expression didn't chance, no pause, nothing. He just continued talking on other stuff. He just ignored my words. It bothered me, more than it should. I didn't expect any similar words back, it so soon, but I definitely didn't expect this either. I shouldn't had said those words, it was too much too soon. So I did the only thing I was able to think, ignored my hurt feelings, continued to talk about what he was talking, even laughed a bit for his words... If he wanted to ignore those words, I can do that...

… But then on next moment he was asking me how I and Else come along and discussion he had had with Else, he gave the impression that Else had disapproved the two of us and Ulf asked what I thought. Well I have had that relationship speech from Else few times so my impression is that Else opinion is proper Sebiestor has duty to his clan to find proper Sebiestor wife and create connections and produce heir... I didn't say it in those words, I just said vaguely something along line maybe she thinks that Ulf is wasting time with me since I am not proper wife material. Then in next moment he goes and ask “And what do you think?” Sheesh... that is so loaded question and requires an essay as an answer, what I was supposed to answer that especially after he had just completely ignored when I told I love him... but he had asked it, it couldn't be unasked anymore... even he gave me option not to answer “that is pretty difficult question”.."Yeah, it is. We could leave it to later if you prefer"... but he had asked it, so I felt I needed to answer...

“From your clans perspective I am definitely not offering a alliance to any remarkable clan, but then again if you would marry me they would get to keep you in clan and possibly gain another wealthy pilot even if Gallentean “

"And what about Rocius? How does Desher fit into this?"

“To be honest. I have no idea.... Only thing i know if this lasts I would want to do things right for all parties involved... but I don't know what that "right" would be around here”

That was just the start of and essay, the full answer would have been a lot longer... but we didn't go any further to the topic, we changed topics.

"I don't know either. I've been wondering about it... but I thought maybe it was a bit soon to talk about it...” … “I have done some wondering too... but you are right... its way too soon... we hardly know each others”

I don't know what he had expected as answer... and I don't know did I say anything he wanted to hear... but he was the one that asked. I did swear to myself after the disastrous relationship with Simeon that I wont avoid any topics in future relationships and I am open to my partner if he wants to know something.... and Ulf did ask.

I don't know how, but somehow we ended up talking about people changing or maybe he wanted me to find out about his demons, wanted to see do I run away. I have looked into abyss of demons of Veren and Simeon and in the end I haven't run away from them either and compared to them Ulf's demons are so normal. When he was very young man... young soldier, he had killed other young men, and not so honorably always and it bothered him... as a self-protection he had became for a while a cruel and dangerous man without feelings, without capability to care... but he and his aunties fixed him eventually. But he is so afraid that what if he becomes that man again, for me the fact that he is worried tells me that there is no reason to worry yet, he cares and as that man he was didn't. I am touched and honored that he trusted me so much that he showed his demons to me and the pain which he feels when he thinks back that man. I didn't run away, I just held him and kissed away his tears.

I really don't know what to think about yesterday. It still hurts me and makes we worry that he so completely ignored my .. words.. but in the end of the evening I think we had a connection we hadn't ever before had and we were closer to each others than ever.

I think I have finally really got over my feelings towards him...

I gave call to Simeon yesterday. He has been busy, he is now the CEO of MUFF and executor of 11th Hour, Mek is his right hand. 11th hour is shaped according Simeon's vision, what ever that means. I think as CEO and executor Simeon needs to take a role where he needs to be the responsible one. That actually might do good to him and he might be the firm hand that 11th Hour needs.

It really pains me to see Simeon with red standing tag. I hoped to give him hint as a friend that maybe he should convince Meklon to take more humble approach; apologize and offer compensation, actually negotiate. But it was like talking to deaf rock “There will be no gestures from us Nelle, let me tell you something as a friend too. MUFF and her members will not come crawling for forgiveness. We're red and it'll remain so till I'm in a position to do something about it. Till then we remain as enemies. ” Well at least I tried, that’s all I can do. If he doesn’t want to listen my advice then so be it. But It’s stupid, he doesn’t want to be our enemy, he has even given orders to his pilots not to shoot us even if we shoot them, but he is too proud to do anything to change that standing.

But just when I was about to close the line he surprised me: “I miss you.” What should I answer that… in the end I told the truth: “I miss my friend to whom I was able to talk about almost everything.” That is the truth; he just hasn’t been that friend for a long time. After he came back, we were slowly taking small steps towards back that state, but there was still long way to get there. I told that him too, but what I left out was that those three little words made me realize how utterly tired I am to be the whom he throws his tantrums, to be the one that takes the first step to apologize, to be the one that sees all the effort, be the one that is put aside when something better comes along and for a little bit I am taken out from the closet again to play with. If he wants to be my friend the work and responsibility to take the steps needs to be mutual. Maybe love made me blind or maybe that something we had back then was so great that it was worth to try or maybe it was bit of both. We can be friends if he also wants that and is willing to see the effort too, but I think I have finally really got over my feelings towards him.

I think that was all I can do for now…

I had cup of coffee with Feinlyn. This time we met in the middle in the Glass Edge at the Jarizza. I felt I had to talk with him. I needed to understand that what if I agree once to let him to kneel at my feats, what then. It was awkward discussion but I think it was good we had it. It all comes to it being voluntary and feeling it to be “right” for both and as long as I can’t feel comfortable accepting option that what if it would feel right to him and he would want to belong to me he won’t force me to situation at all.

In a way I feel relieved. I think I could have been ok with it once, as a gift to a friend if there wouldn’t be any strings attached. I wouldn’t have been a person who tries to manipulate him or tries to brainwash him to believe something. But he wants more; he wants me to be willing to accept him, if it would feel right for him… and he seems to believe quite strongly that it would feel correct. The words he used made me actually thinking he is mixing in his head religion and submissive/dominant relationships. But in any case I don’t look any that sort of relationship. I don’t want to be worshipped nor do I look another relationship and being dominant to someone hasn’t ever been my thing.

But after this I don’t have to wonder what I should do. Since the answer is simple, it’s NO. I am not willing to be what he wants. I can be friend, help him to take steps out from the depression, if he selects to want my help, but I can’t do more than that.

Once more I tried to convince him that his current environment is not good for him and he should let himself to have time to heal in neutral environment. He seemed like close to fall into drinking again. If he would allow himself to heal first he could trust more into his feelings that they are something he really wants and not that he wants just something... anything to fill the void he has inside him. For a moment I think he looked like he started to think about it… I hope he continues to think about it.

I think that was all I can do for now…

We have been very discreet but observant person can count 1+1...

I and Ulf agreed that we are now “together”, we are couple. It doesn’t change rules to any direction or anything, but it still gives me warm feeling.

I have started to write about Ulf several times now. But my thoughts end up wandering around and I don’t get anything coherent written. Other topics are so much smaller, easier to handle. He as topic is so huge and it leads to other huge topics like Roc and what I personally want, it leads daydreaming of things I don’t think are possible.

We have kept seeing more or less regularly. The feeling I just want snuggle close to him keep being there from time to another is amazing. I just want to be close to him, lean to him... and well just be there. I could just sit hours under his arm hugging him and talk with him... and well we seem to do that a lot. With other guys it has been somewhat different, there have been flirt, seduction, and closeness yes. On some level I have always went fast to close and personal with every guy with whom there is signal for something serious and long lasting, but this is different. We end up talking the strangest topics, but as an end result it feels like we are learning to know each others on all the levels. It is also great that he is no CEO, alliance leader, clan head... he has less duties that fill his head and take him away from me.

The other week we had discussion that gave more fuel for my daydreams. We talked about relationships and future. “I know I can't keep you forever. You need a proper Sebiestor wife that gives you children someday.” … “My Aunties want there to be children. I don't have to be married for that.” After that he ended up telling me about clan politics. Atamaharas are matrilocal, they expect their women to stay in the clan and expect their men to move out when they are married out. Apparently children are important to Atamaharas, but even more relevant is either connections to other clans, but it might be also relevant to them to keep wealth in the family as in keep pilot in the clan and not marry him away. He hinted he wished that aunties would want to keep him in the clan because he is pilot, but if good enough offer is made the aunties would expect him to marry. I know I said to him “I know I can't keep you forever”, but I really don't want to think about it. He already now means more to me I want to admit. Afterward he asked me " So, what was that you were going to say about keeping me forever?". That was so hard question, I really didn't know what should I say to him after that discussion. I just couldn't blurt out how far my daydreams already had went... so I ended up saying just something vague "Well I might be tempted, ... if it turns out this ain't just a temporary crush." That is enough this point, no need to scare him with how strongly I feel.

We have started to be together publicly too. Of course I have mentioned to Roc, but we also left from BIONE party together and I visited shortly Re-aw party. I gave light kiss to him in vicinity of Gottii, shared a bedroom with him even though Gottii is probably only one to notice it since we were last to go to sleep and I was leaving already before others were awake. We have been very discreet but observant person can count 1+1.

So maybe I am doing something right...

On Friday I and Ulf went to BIONE's party hung out there few hours and then just head to Pator my place and again just sit together and talked. I told him about Feinlyn. It's amusing how similar first reaction I got from both Roc and Ulf. Both were amused and said something along lines that they had seen me as angel sometimes, kind and caring. Their reaction surprised me, I was surprised positively. I expected more protective attitude, grief for taking risk like that when going to talk with him, but instead they were very supportive.

Ulf didn't give any brilliant ideas to me like Roc did, but he seemed to think that I could just let the guy kneel at my feats that it wouldn't be big deal. Roc had given this very cunning idea to buy time, tell him that I am comfortable let him kneel in front of me when he no longer feels need to kneel to anyone. That sounds pretty brilliant line, but somehow don't feel like mine. I am just not sure can I follow the potential discussion coming from that.

But neither Roc or Ulf told me I am stupid and try to do something I should avoid. So maybe I am doing something right.

Is there anything else I can find out...

I went to Last Gate. I had met Feinlyn there few times. I wanted to ask did anyone there knew him, any friends of him or his background. I figured out that if someone there would know something it would be Karlos. But he didn't knew anything, apparently Feinlyn hadn't shared any of his background there.

I did some usual corp checks( for his new corp) which I would do to a diplomatic case. Searched Galnet, did find their forums and got list of their members. There are two women that could possibly be the one that brainwashed him, but the most likely one is Shalee Lian. I asked did Karlos recognize her and he actually did. Apparently she has been in the Last gate few times but never seen with Feinlyn there. Is there anything else I can find out?

I am so out of my league...

Feinlyn tried to give me call during last Friday; It came in really bad time… we were just heading to upstairs with Ulf, so I just ignored it and promised myself contact him later. Calling him back took couple of days and even then I was already busy on scouting campaign area to decide do I run fleets there. I just half assed exchanged some messages with him. He told he had got new job and mentioned being bartender in some bar… I should have paid more attention to it, should had followed my normal routine to check the corp information.

He had joined Amarr corporation… small Amarr corporation in Amarr militia. When I finally on Tuesday called him properly and asked where that bar of his is, it started to hit in. The bar was on Sarum Prime… on Sarum III… planet side… apparently some semi illegal smuggling port or something. He wanted me to come there… I might be trusting person and trust he wouldn’t hurt me… but going to Amarr planet side alone, I just couldn’t. He agreed to meet me on Sarum III station, even that made me nervous. It was high sec and Gallenteans are allowed to move on station but it still made me nervous. I took one of Teoron’s guys with me, Teoron was angry to me that I didn’t take him. But I just couldn’t take Minmatar with me there, even if he is my best security guy. He is still sulking to me even though he is hiding it well.

Anyway… Feinlyn waited me in one of the port side visitor cabins. He looked clean, free of any intoxicants, but tired. He told me his story. Amarrians had killed his fiancée, he had started to work for Amarrians in order to find the one that killed her, seek revenge, but everything got blurred. I think he was drawn to spiral leading downwards, it sucked all the joy, happiness, strength, even in the end all the hatred. That’s why he drunk so much. Now he is drained, empty, waiting something to fill him… anything. He met me; I showed some friendliness, cared at least a bit… but not enough… I was too busy with my own life to really give time to a broken soul that needed a push. Apparently he met also Amarrian woman that filled his ears with false promise for better, he is nearly brainwashed. That woman has made him to think that maybe he is meant to serve, meant to kneel. But he still on some level realizes in his fuzzy mind that she on some level tries to brainwash him. So even he has taken several steps towards them, he still hesitates and here come I into picture. In his mind he connects me contacting him and coming to see how he is doing a sign of something greater. He realizes I don’t try to brainwash him, so he trusts me more, but same time he is making me more than I am. He wants to kneel at my feats, to test does it feel correct, he realises I wouldn’t try to brainwash him more, try to use him for my own purposes. This is so out of my philosophical league. I have never believed into any god nor ancestors nor fate or believed that soul moves from body to another when person dies. I believe that individuals make their own fait, are their own masters.

What would be the right thing to do? Even if I would be uncomfortable with the idea it probably would be ok let him kneel at my feats if he really needs to try it to get it out of his mind, better me than some Amarrian that tries to brainwash him…. but… he would be doing it because he believes I am some greater being… apparently also their religion says that they never should kneel in front if person that doesn’t voluntarily take the offer so he wants me to be comfortable with the idea. I could lie to him that I am comfortable let him kneel in front of me, I could just use his trust and talk him to follow me. But then I wouldn’t be any better than Amarrians, I would be manipulating him. That would be wrong.

I was honest and told him I am uncomfortable with the idea, he seemed relieved. I was relieved, but only for moment… his next words were that he wont do it until I am ready, he wont kneel in front of anyone else either, it's reserved for me… what an earth I am supposed to do?

I tried to convince he should turn around and take another path. I could help him to find job that is not helping Amarrians, but if he continues helping my enemy I can’t support him in that. He is miserable there in Amarr space, it isn’t healthy to him. But his words were that at least know he is feeling something, even if it were misery.

That is so sad. I wonder would I have made bigger difference, if I had week ago took the time to talk to him. Would that had helped or would it still had been too late.

I feel that there is still possibility to help him. He is broken soul that is in cross-section of paths or at least not far from the cross-section yet. But I don’t have a clue what I should do. I am so out of my league.

It’s kind of ironic...

Simeon decided to leave Gradient… I can understand his decision; the process was really hard for him and most of the management was pretty much signaling they want him out. I hope he would have looked the whole process into the end… maybe the results hadn’t been different, but it would have forced management to really go through it too. I don’t think pilot council can work in disciplinary matters; it’s just cruel to the person in question. So far track record: two matters brought into open forum discussion, two pilots left Gradient before the final decision. No matter what the end result would have been in the disciplinary matters, this should be a signal that something is wrong with the process if pilots in question are not able to go through it. I think Sonja sees things in a same way as I do, but I doubt many others will.

I hope Simeon is capable to get above all this, and build something good still. I heard he joined MUFF. Maybe it is good thing, at least he didn't disappear again. I don’t know how MUFF is nowadays, Meklon claimed he had cleaned it, I really hope so. But MUFF being in 11th hour, makes him red to us. Maybe I should be in Re-Aw, all the sudden I seem to be in friendly relations to whole bunch of dodgy people. People consider me too nice, having too soft values… but then my friends tent to be people the same people consider too tough, trouble makers, violent, criminals… it’s kind of ironic.

I will trust myself more...

Campaign is over. I already Tuesday decided it is over for me, when no pilots wanted to participate my patrol, but also Debes debes ended the whole campaign. Alliance pilots just weren’t interested in this kind of campaign. Same time I am sad but relieved. Relieved… because there is no excuse now to force myself to try to lead fleets in zero sec… and sad… because there is no excuse now to force myself to try to lead fleets in zero sec. It definitely was out of my comfort zone, but already in this short time just hanging cloaked around there I learned a lot about operating on unknown zero sec. It was also intriguing to be so close to Grr… maybe so close to Gina. I didn’t get much done during this campaign, but something good came out of it… I am not anymore afraid to take covert op to unknown zero sec, there really isn’t much they can do to a single covert op pilot who has patience. If I in the future have to go back there alone, I will trust myself more.

I just hope I have enough strength to help her through all this...

I got Anuko to go back to hospital. It was hard word, I spent probably over an hour just talking, convincing her that she should dock, shouldn’t get a drink but instead go to see a doctor and get new meds. But in the end she came back to Gradient Medical Care and took her meds. That bit over and an hour felt like several hours. It’s hard to just listen when your friend obviously is on paranoid mode being afraid of people who never would hurt her and part of the time even afraid of you. But apparently she trusts me more than others, I don’t know what I have done to earn that, but she does. On hospital when Anuko changed her clothes I saw her back… it was shock. There was whip marks all over her back. For a moment I wondered is someone really after her like she claims and had someone recently hurt her, but nurse told me those marks are over 5 years old. It was a relief.

I had been wondering why she had been so afraid of Simeon, but I think I got it. Looks like she had really fall in love to him and just recently approached him and he had rejected her. He loves her like a sister. Anuko doesn’t handle rejection well; also with Ulf she instantly started to accuse him and went to paranoid mode. I think she approached Simeon just recently so the rejection happened very recently, and very soon after that the violence in the SA and seeing Simeon in Blood Raider suite was just too much.

Yesterday nurses told me that I seem to have calming effect to her and previously she had been occasionally pretty violent and not co-operating and then just left. They seemed to think I can help her. I visited her this morning again she was completely out again, no clarity in what so ever in her talk, but she took the meds again.

I managed to contact Simeon and ask about Anuko’s mom. She is free to go as she wants. If Anuko wants to move her there shouldn’t be any problems.

I just hope I have enough strength to help her through all this.

When will this week end...

I think Anuko’s mind finally broke down. It wasn’t exactly undamaged before this, but the fight in SA the day before yesterday finally broke her mind. I visited her in med one yesterday. Nurse said she is confusing locations, people and what has happened. She was first afraid of me too. When I entered her room, I am not sure she even recognized who I were. After while I think she recognized me, but she thought I am there to kill her “because I have been involved with him.” It took me a while to figure out who he is and convince her that I am not going to hurt her. I guess seeing Simeon in Blood Raider outfit can be scary, she is afraid of him. Then apparently all the shooting in the bar was too much to her. It has all fused into a scary mess in her head and she thinks he came after her. She was also worried because he had her mom still. I asked that does she wish me to try to move her. But she didn’t give clear answer. Now I am not sure should I do something or not, if she is afraid of me and don’t want me to do anything, I could just make things worse.

Do I trust too much to my gut feeling about people? Do I trust too much to people? I saw Simeon in Blood Raider outfit in there bar like Anuko did, I even thought he has snapped and not totally in control there. But I wasn’t afraid of him. I just completely trusted that he won’t hurt me physically. I just went there tried to grab his arm, stand in front of him. I yelled to him to snap out if it. Same has applied to Veren, even on moments he really hated me, he was really angry to me… my gut feelings said he won’t hurt me physically. My gut feeling says Veranon is good guy and I went to talk to him at his department after the incident in the bar. When Ulf heard about this his first reaction was that was dangerous if those two plot something. I hadn’t even thought the option that they would try to hurt me and they didn’t.

I thought I had a bad week when I first heard about Simeon and Sonja, but the same week just seems to continue and more and more crap to pile up. When will this week end?

This is so frustrating...

Gina contacted me again, it was cryptic again...

4543-6845-6546845694856549684569496546845654645........
SHE HAS FOUND ME!
.............................................

Are the numbers just crap.. or is there a meaning. The latter part is pretty clear, I think Grr got her again. I traced Grr and headed towards Jarizza to get my covert op frigate. Locator traced her to Esa “ The scumsucker is located at Esa VIII - Moon 2 - Viziam Warehouse station in the Esa system, Peges constellation of Tash-Murkon region.”

I rushed there via the safe route. No Grr there. But Epitoth Guard has station there. I asked on local had anyone seen Gina Balen. I got two answers Alex636 said “Not today” another claimed to just fuck here. I think the latter was smack talk. But I contacted Alex636 and asked had he seen her earlier. He had but couldn't remember where but said “think it was by Akhragan.” That is one Domain system more.

I went to Y-MPWL as well where Grr hangs out most often. That was useless too. Grr was there but couldn't do a thing there and no sign of Gina. Finally I just came through providence back to Jarizza. Providence looked a lot more quiet than on weekend. The funny thing is I had just realier thought to head to Grr's previous location Y-MPWL but because I went to see Anuko on med one I hadn't got that far. What if I had been closer. This is so frustrating.

How come it’s me again who tries to sort things out after my friends have messed them…

Shees how come we are again in this situation? Sometimes I just hate Meklon for what he does to people. There are faults on other people too, but again it is about someone trying to prevent Meklon hurt people really seriously and because of that being in trouble.

Siohban went and slept with Veranon and now Veranon is his new love of her life. Somehow that would be more believable if Meklon hadn’t been that too. I am not having any nice thoughts from any of them. Veranon slept with her even he knew how she was Meklon’s girl, but I think he is the most innocent of them and was just caught by the situation. Ok Siohban was just a pretty face Meklon picked up from the bar couple of weeks ago, but it seemed she really had him believe it to be more. They probably hadn’t agreed any rules yet for their relationship, but still she could have broken up with him first. This really breaks the picture of sweet and innocent girl. I actually have pretty ugly thoughts from her. What if she is playing with all of us? What if she is really is a spy that is either here to gather information or cause internal friction or both. Sleeping with Meklon and making him to introduce her to EM would have been pretty smart move, then once close to us switching to sleep with a GRD guy would be a smart next move too. For causing havoc on purpose, the selected people are pretty much perfect and finding more efficient ones would have been difficult. Meklon then is just idiot… dangerous, jealous idiot. Of course he went berserk for Siohban sleeping with someone else and leaving him. Oh yeah I can so believe he was going to kill Veranon. I thought he was now on better shape, that he had his recklessness better on control… but no. Of course Simeon had to try to save him, prevent him to get into trouble and of course his means were what they were. I have to admit, they worked…Veranon lives… but the cost is so high to Simeon, but he knew that beforehand. It’s kind of noble, martyr like. But I feel like kicking his ass. Why he always have to select means like these… always. He really put up an excellent show in SA, he got even me to believe he had lost his sense for a moment. But I guess the hardest audience was Meklon and it was crucial to his plan to have him convinced. Unfortunate side effect of the show will be that everyone else will be so convinced too that they want to kick him out of Gradient. I do believe to his story, I don’t think he could have lied that well right after patching Meklon up from very near death experience and all that stress and pain in his eyes. Worst thing is he might not feel like he can even tell his story, if he thinks Meklon will need to keep believing it. He already had the attitude it is only matter of time that he is out of Gradient.

I did the only thing I thought I could do. I told Veranon the true story it is then his business does he believe it. Simeon already thinks he will make official complaints which will be backed by Veren and Apis, but I am not that sure. My gut feeling told me that he has eye for people and he did listen me and afterwards I got the feeling he did believe. He is new to Minmatar society so I also gave him hint that mutual duels are accepted and legal. I avoided asking anything directly, it is up to him what he wants to do. But I gave him information for alternative option, which was all I could do. I just wonder, how come it’s me again who tries to sort things out after my friends have messed them.

I definitely didn't see this coming...

I met Feinlyn couple of times in The Last Gate. First he was depressed drunk by the bar. Kind of pitiful drunk. But then for some reason he decided to quit drinking and sober up after that we actually end up talking with him. He seems bit lost, without a purpose. I wanted a company of person out of my normal circles and he was there. It was also easier to chat him about things, since he was total stranger. I didn't have to worry that does he know this and that person and should he hear that rumor. Then he sent me this invitation to come to visit The Athena: “I know this'll sound a bit odd but, if you got some time to kill. Stop by The Athena? I hope this message reaches the right Carinelle.” The message was odd, I really didn't expect him to try to hit me or confess that he has crush on me. But so he did.

He is not my type. He is not one of those sexy bad boys that are so fun for short relationships nor he has that inner strength and character that I find so appealing to me and usually my longer time boyfriends have. And even if he would be, I am not really looking new boyfriend. Two is just perfect amount. I don't know why it is so for me, but when I was with Roc and Simeon I was happy, I had all I needed. Now again when I have Roc and Ulf I have that feeling, I have all I want.

But I am not sure what I should do with Feinlyn. I told him I am not looking any other boyfriends. Now that he is staying sober I maybe would like to know him more, see is he friend material, but maybe it would be just better to keep some distance. I am sure I didn't send any mixed signals to him. Maybe I just let it to the chance, I either run into him in some bar or nor. Maybe my radar is of, I definitely didn't see this coming.

Everything is ok again…

I was yesterday out there on the patrol flying Falcon first time for several weeks. I was rusty and I lack zero sec experience so the patrol was pretty stressful. It was even Debes fleet and I have bad track record on those. Before this 3 lost ships in two fleets. I survived this one, but afterwards I felt like having a drink.

You came into the bar. You didn’t notice me, you were too busy talking with the bartender. When you finally did, you flashed me a smile, said “Nelle” for a greeting and then just went to sit at a table. What was I supposed to make out of that? Last time we parted you were angry to me and didn’t want to talk to me. I decided to trust my guts. You smiled to me, which had to mean something. So I went to talk to you. I almost turned around when I heard your opening words. I am glad I didn’t. In the end we finally managed to talk to each other… really talk... not just exchange cryptic insults. It was all about that one comment I made to Sio about shooting my people. You had managed to make me imagine all kinds of things.

We are back to where we were; figuring out do we still have chance to be friends. My insults sorted out but no mentioning what so ever that maybe also you played with my feelings. Everything is ok again.

I need to stop using you…

Christ it is wonderful to have you around. Really have someone there just for me.

On weekend I again had further argument with S. Sio tried to make things better and set us talk. I think she feels bit guilty that she has caused me and S to argue. It’s not her, it’s me and S. I apologized him, but apparently I again did everything wrong. Deciding to apologies in the bar was setting him up to situation where he can’t do anything else but accept it. When I said fine if he would prefer us discuss some later point more privately I could just leave, I was apologizing and leaving before he was getting a chance to say a word. When I waited that he could say his word, he accused me to playing with his feelings and asked me to leave. Finally I just left, it seemed clear I could do nothing constructive at that moment.

I was feeling down. S just is capable to hurt me when he wants and he did. Not many are close enough to me to do that. Sometimes I just wonder do I torture myself when I try to be friend to S, is that idea doomed from the beginning. You had rushed out of the bar earlier. M had pissed you off. He seems to have that effect to men, I wonder is that some testosterone thing. I come along ok with him. He is selfish and arrogant but so are 2/3 of the pilots. You had asked me to give you call when I am free of them, I did. I was feeling pretty miserable. You were in Gulfonodi and rushed back to Pator. I feel stupid for this afterwards. I should have at least come to there and not to make you rush away from your job. We met you at your place. Being there held by you and just be able to tell you everything was great. It was like you absorbed all my bad feelings away and filled with me with brightness.

I have a feeling that, all I have done lately is used you to brighten me up and made you to be the strong man for me to whom I can rely. Now I even made you rush away from your duties. Although being at your place had some advantage over meeting in a bar at Gulfonodi. But seriously I need to give something back; I need to stop using you.

This is ridiculous...

I am like a school girl with a first crush. When I notice you on pod, I want to open line to you, hear your voice immediately. This is ridiculous.

Am I imaging things...

I made up with S. Men can't come between us. But when talking to her I had pretty terrible thought, it is pretty far fetched... but, but... too many things fit...

I know S. has been imprisoned and tortured physically and mentally by Blood Raiders... by his wife. That must have been experience from hell, serious stress... What if that broke his psyche... Isn't split personality something that can help person to cope extreme stress... one part of the mind takes the role of protector and protects the weaker part... but same time loosing some of the humanity.

When S. left his clan and broke up with me he said something along lines S that loved me is now dead, that he killed S when he cut his clan tattoos out of his skin, that only B remained. When He came back and we started to figure out what exactly are our relations, I asked is S still dead, he said that nah he came back. I took it as figure of speech... but what if..

S loved me and with that side of his personality I was able to communicate so well, with him I went so close and personal so fast. But the troubles started when the stress was added into the picture. He seemed to misunderstood my actions all the time and we ended up into arguments constantly. When he came back we seemed again to be on same wavelength but then after the incident in brig he changed again and everything I did, I seemed to do wrong leading into argument. In the brig I got the impression it reminded him from the time he was imprisoned by Blood Raiders. Did that bring B up?

I don't know what to think. It would explain quite many thing, but it feels far fetched. Is this my subconscious trying to find reasons which would it make it easier to understand why we constantly seem to be fail at communication. Am I imaging thing?

I wish it would be simple...

I so don't know what to think about you. I thought it would be simple. Just some pretty face M has picked up from the bar, CVA pet. I'll smile to you while you are around, maybe even be friendly to you in order to make you like me, you could be useful contact. But I should have guessed, it never is so simple. You and M seem to be seriously fall in love and falling deeper all the time. The more I talked with you the clearer it is that its not that simple. You have been sold to slave by your own father as young kid. You don't call it that way, but even if your master is nice and encourages you meet people and do things and you love him, you still are slave and don't know better. You seem to be nice girl, but pretty naive. You say you are Caldari in Minmatar skin. I guess you are raised that way by your master.

I talked with you about the CVA connection, after that I am pretty sure I can trust you there. But then you moved to another Caldari corp that is not CVA affiliated, but in Caldari militia. I can understand your reasons. For Minmatars looking your corp Caldari militia is smaller evil than CVA and you wants to get to know other Minmatars and get to know better your culture. I can see all that, but for me joining Caldari Militia and shooting my people is also bad. I don't believe into the war between State and Federation, but I can not accept State occupy Federation regions and planets. You say you don't participate the war much but you also say you are loyal to Ishukone that also tells something about you. I could have just lied to you, consider you enemy I can just use, but I didn't. I was honest, I told you how I feel. S. freaked out over that, made it worse. I had to leave, I didn't want to burst into tears in front of everyone. I talked with you the next day, we are OK now or more like back to square where we were previously. Not friends but not hostiles either, trying to figure out what we are. It is actually ironic that I seems to be in OK terms with the Caldaries around here but then I have troubles with Caldari/Gallante relations with a Minmatar persons.

This would be easier if it would be logic against hart, but my hart tells me you are a sweet girl, but it also tells me that shooting my people is wrong. Of course there is third option...You could be just damn clever spy. The role of innocent and sweet girl could be just perfect, that would win your way to the hart of most people. I don't believe into this option, I am usually pretty good at reading people, but it is option. I wish it would be simple.

I wonder where my home is in the future...

He has lot of tattoos. Of course voluval mark, but also others representing important things, phases in his life. It's same time very interesting but so alien to me. In his back he has big tattoo about his clan lands of Paiho. Of course it had lot of subtle meanings in it, but what felt most significant for me was that with the tattoo he carries part of home with him.

For me it is alien that one specific place - land - can be so significant to someone. That tattoo tells lot about him. He has grown there, worked there in his childhood, all his memories of childhood are from there. That makes him pretty different form me. We moved a lot from station to another, I never worked a day in my youth, I moved from kindergarten and schools to another. I wouldn't call any of those places home or even place where my parents currently live. My home is where “my people” are and I guess currently Gradients, maybe EM is my people. So my home is here.

He asked me “not Orien?” That question actually made me think about it. No, Roc's people are not my people yet and I actually wonder can they ever be. I visit Orien and I start to know them a bit, but how can I ever learn to know them well enough... them to become my people... if I live in space .. and my place is definitely in space, I am pilot after all. I wonder how marriages between different clans work for Minmatar pilots. Will the new clan they move really become their people in their mind. I wonder where my home is in the future.

I like that you make me happy...

The evening was great. I had almost forgot how nice it can be to dress and and be treated like a delicate flower. Its not a thing I would enjoy everyday but on rare occasions it is lovely. I just realized this is only second time I have gone out with Sebiestor. You took me to a fancy restaurant, you had really put effort into that evening: reserved that lovely private cabinet, planned the menu with the restaurant, put on that sexy suit. It's a while since no-one has offered me date like that and really seen effort for me. Brutors have been more lets go for a casual drinks type.

Occasionally discussion took surprising turns and went to pretty serious topics too. But I definitely prefer that than just light small talk. You are one of the rare people that seems to have connection to me, we have been since the beginning been able to talk almost anything. I hope that means that we are able to discuss about difficult topics once we encounter them. If this is to continue there will be those sooner or later.

Its funny, usually I prefer guys that are very self-confident, but it was kind of sweet how you asked me to come to continue the evening to your apartment, it was also sweet that you so clearly wanted to make a move but you didn't know how and how relieved you were on me proposing that dance. Its also amusing how fast you got over that hesitation and turned into that strong confident man I was pretty sure you were. It was pleasant to wake up in the morning by your side. The warm fuzzy feeling you give me is lovely.

But you should trust me more, trust me to listen to you and pick up the little cues you give, trust me to respect you. You had said, you are not good with casual sex and that you wanted to matter. If I would have thought this would be just one night stand, I would have never stayed over the night. I would have respected your will too much.

But now I am waiting the next chance to see you. I like how you make me feel. I like that you make me happy.

The many faces of the people I encounter

Now that I have written you about past two weeks I have noticed you aren’t just the friend I can tell everything, but you are also the many faces of the people I encounter.

I am glad you were there when I needed you …

Last week had been terribly long. Saturday you didn’t even know half of it, you still don’t, but still you were there and stayed for me. You did entertain me when I had to wait M for two hours. When M came and brought that CVA pet with him and just wanted to have free evening, you stayed there. When that traitor showed up, when he so casually talked about doing that slave ride since it seemed a good idea to be in good terms with some high up amarr, you stayed. You stayed and waited that they all had gone and made sure I hadn’t fallen into peaces. You brought me into your home and gave me chance to rant. You gave me place to pass out. You were so sweet and considered.

Your inner strength, the small flirt, the warmth of your body, all of that... it felt just what I needed. I had never even let myself to think that direction since previously you were so clearly just my friend. You took me by surprise, but from the minute one it felt right. It would have been so easy to just stay there, take more and I wanted to take more. But I couldn’t have been sure that the sparkle I felt was because there really is magic between us or did I just need someone warm and strong to be there at that moment, after that horrible week and you wanted me to know.

Yesterday you just happened to be there when I again felt I need a hug from a friend. You gave me your strength. Just seeing you that short moment made me feel better and feel that magical sparkling between us.

I am waiting tomorrow to see is the magic still there. I think it will be. But regardless is it or not, I am glad you were there when I needed you.

I am sorry my friend…

I know my part was hardly anything, but I still can’t help feeling I made things worse. I was there in the bar for you to talk to me and you talked me about S, how you missed her. I only knew S was thinking to break up with J, mainly because she felt dating him was betraying you. I couldn’t tell you this, so instead I said I think S is not happy with J and encouraged you to try once more. I thought I would do both of you a favor. But I admit I deliberately pushed button I thought would make you jump by saying I thought that you aren’t type that quits easily.

Then on Friday seeing you there in Gradient brig talking to him about S, daunting him in the brig, that was already bad, but it was nothing compared to realize how bad shape you really were, how close to overdose of nerve sticks you were and seeing you to just trying to grab doze after another. If we hadn’t come there to put stop for that mess, you would have taken overdose by accident. All that was bad, but sitting by your side in the hospital and listening you to tell me about your pain, knowing that you don’t have any chance to get her back, seeing you in that shape… that was hart breaking.

I know that this time I did hardly anything, and even that with good intentions, and that your pain is because of her… But I can’t help to feel … I am sorry my friend.

Pride or jealousy … I wish I would know

When S got back it was clear I still had feelings for him. You can’t just forget when you have gone so close and deep with someone so fast. When it started to look like he has forgiven me and we became friends again, I let myself to play with thoughts…

He wanted fresh start and just see what happens. We talked about it and decided complete fresh start is not possible, we know too much of each others, we were too close back then. We decided we would still be good friends and rest… we would just see how it would develop…

… It would be easier if I truly could believe it was just I who red the signals wrong. But I still think he had feelings for me too and if he hadn’t met someone else something would have developed out of it. We would have needed time but we didn’t get that. Maybe it is better this way. She is so much better for him than I would have been and they both deserve happiness and at least it is clear end for my hopes, maybe I can finally move on.

But S hurt me. She was one of my best friends here… still is… but she let me talk about him; work my hopes up, all the time sleeping with him. She was the one I always felt I can talk anything and she doesn’t judge me or freak out. But now I am uncomfortable talking to her anything related to men, anything that has happened to me during past two weeks. Everything just would require mentioning him and I don’t want to show her how much she hurt me. I want them to have a clean start without needing to feel bad for me.

I only wish I would know am I hurt because she hurt my pride… or do I still have so strong feelings toward him that I am jealous to her. Pride or jealousy… I wish I would know

So now I have a diary

That's definitely something I haven't tried before.

But maybe you are a friend to whom I can tell everything and you don't freak out, try to save me, judge me, betray me or hurt me... you just listen...

... and sometimes just telling someone helps to clarify it to myself. So now I have a diary...