I am so out of my league...

Feinlyn tried to give me call during last Friday; It came in really bad time… we were just heading to upstairs with Ulf, so I just ignored it and promised myself contact him later. Calling him back took couple of days and even then I was already busy on scouting campaign area to decide do I run fleets there. I just half assed exchanged some messages with him. He told he had got new job and mentioned being bartender in some bar… I should have paid more attention to it, should had followed my normal routine to check the corp information.

He had joined Amarr corporation… small Amarr corporation in Amarr militia. When I finally on Tuesday called him properly and asked where that bar of his is, it started to hit in. The bar was on Sarum Prime… on Sarum III… planet side… apparently some semi illegal smuggling port or something. He wanted me to come there… I might be trusting person and trust he wouldn’t hurt me… but going to Amarr planet side alone, I just couldn’t. He agreed to meet me on Sarum III station, even that made me nervous. It was high sec and Gallenteans are allowed to move on station but it still made me nervous. I took one of Teoron’s guys with me, Teoron was angry to me that I didn’t take him. But I just couldn’t take Minmatar with me there, even if he is my best security guy. He is still sulking to me even though he is hiding it well.

Anyway… Feinlyn waited me in one of the port side visitor cabins. He looked clean, free of any intoxicants, but tired. He told me his story. Amarrians had killed his fiancée, he had started to work for Amarrians in order to find the one that killed her, seek revenge, but everything got blurred. I think he was drawn to spiral leading downwards, it sucked all the joy, happiness, strength, even in the end all the hatred. That’s why he drunk so much. Now he is drained, empty, waiting something to fill him… anything. He met me; I showed some friendliness, cared at least a bit… but not enough… I was too busy with my own life to really give time to a broken soul that needed a push. Apparently he met also Amarrian woman that filled his ears with false promise for better, he is nearly brainwashed. That woman has made him to think that maybe he is meant to serve, meant to kneel. But he still on some level realizes in his fuzzy mind that she on some level tries to brainwash him. So even he has taken several steps towards them, he still hesitates and here come I into picture. In his mind he connects me contacting him and coming to see how he is doing a sign of something greater. He realizes I don’t try to brainwash him, so he trusts me more, but same time he is making me more than I am. He wants to kneel at my feats, to test does it feel correct, he realises I wouldn’t try to brainwash him more, try to use him for my own purposes. This is so out of my philosophical league. I have never believed into any god nor ancestors nor fate or believed that soul moves from body to another when person dies. I believe that individuals make their own fait, are their own masters.

What would be the right thing to do? Even if I would be uncomfortable with the idea it probably would be ok let him kneel at my feats if he really needs to try it to get it out of his mind, better me than some Amarrian that tries to brainwash him…. but… he would be doing it because he believes I am some greater being… apparently also their religion says that they never should kneel in front if person that doesn’t voluntarily take the offer so he wants me to be comfortable with the idea. I could lie to him that I am comfortable let him kneel in front of me, I could just use his trust and talk him to follow me. But then I wouldn’t be any better than Amarrians, I would be manipulating him. That would be wrong.

I was honest and told him I am uncomfortable with the idea, he seemed relieved. I was relieved, but only for moment… his next words were that he wont do it until I am ready, he wont kneel in front of anyone else either, it's reserved for me… what an earth I am supposed to do?

I tried to convince he should turn around and take another path. I could help him to find job that is not helping Amarrians, but if he continues helping my enemy I can’t support him in that. He is miserable there in Amarr space, it isn’t healthy to him. But his words were that at least know he is feeling something, even if it were misery.

That is so sad. I wonder would I have made bigger difference, if I had week ago took the time to talk to him. Would that had helped or would it still had been too late.

I feel that there is still possibility to help him. He is broken soul that is in cross-section of paths or at least not far from the cross-section yet. But I don’t have a clue what I should do. I am so out of my league.