We were closer to each others than ever...

Another Friday, another dates with Ulf... I don't know what to think about yesterday. We went to bar for a bit but then made some excuses and headed home just the two of us. Then like normally we curled up to couch and just talked, but today it somehow had different tone... lot more serious...

We talked about my trip to Orien and what I had told Roc about us. In middle of everything it kind of slipped from me … “I think I might be falling in love to you” … even his expression didn't chance, no pause, nothing. He just continued talking on other stuff. He just ignored my words. It bothered me, more than it should. I didn't expect any similar words back, it so soon, but I definitely didn't expect this either. I shouldn't had said those words, it was too much too soon. So I did the only thing I was able to think, ignored my hurt feelings, continued to talk about what he was talking, even laughed a bit for his words... If he wanted to ignore those words, I can do that...

… But then on next moment he was asking me how I and Else come along and discussion he had had with Else, he gave the impression that Else had disapproved the two of us and Ulf asked what I thought. Well I have had that relationship speech from Else few times so my impression is that Else opinion is proper Sebiestor has duty to his clan to find proper Sebiestor wife and create connections and produce heir... I didn't say it in those words, I just said vaguely something along line maybe she thinks that Ulf is wasting time with me since I am not proper wife material. Then in next moment he goes and ask “And what do you think?” Sheesh... that is so loaded question and requires an essay as an answer, what I was supposed to answer that especially after he had just completely ignored when I told I love him... but he had asked it, it couldn't be unasked anymore... even he gave me option not to answer “that is pretty difficult question”.."Yeah, it is. We could leave it to later if you prefer"... but he had asked it, so I felt I needed to answer...

“From your clans perspective I am definitely not offering a alliance to any remarkable clan, but then again if you would marry me they would get to keep you in clan and possibly gain another wealthy pilot even if Gallentean “

"And what about Rocius? How does Desher fit into this?"

“To be honest. I have no idea.... Only thing i know if this lasts I would want to do things right for all parties involved... but I don't know what that "right" would be around here”

That was just the start of and essay, the full answer would have been a lot longer... but we didn't go any further to the topic, we changed topics.

"I don't know either. I've been wondering about it... but I thought maybe it was a bit soon to talk about it...” … “I have done some wondering too... but you are right... its way too soon... we hardly know each others”

I don't know what he had expected as answer... and I don't know did I say anything he wanted to hear... but he was the one that asked. I did swear to myself after the disastrous relationship with Simeon that I wont avoid any topics in future relationships and I am open to my partner if he wants to know something.... and Ulf did ask.

I don't know how, but somehow we ended up talking about people changing or maybe he wanted me to find out about his demons, wanted to see do I run away. I have looked into abyss of demons of Veren and Simeon and in the end I haven't run away from them either and compared to them Ulf's demons are so normal. When he was very young man... young soldier, he had killed other young men, and not so honorably always and it bothered him... as a self-protection he had became for a while a cruel and dangerous man without feelings, without capability to care... but he and his aunties fixed him eventually. But he is so afraid that what if he becomes that man again, for me the fact that he is worried tells me that there is no reason to worry yet, he cares and as that man he was didn't. I am touched and honored that he trusted me so much that he showed his demons to me and the pain which he feels when he thinks back that man. I didn't run away, I just held him and kissed away his tears.

I really don't know what to think about yesterday. It still hurts me and makes we worry that he so completely ignored my .. words.. but in the end of the evening I think we had a connection we hadn't ever before had and we were closer to each others than ever.