Pride or jealousy … I wish I would know

When S got back it was clear I still had feelings for him. You can’t just forget when you have gone so close and deep with someone so fast. When it started to look like he has forgiven me and we became friends again, I let myself to play with thoughts…

He wanted fresh start and just see what happens. We talked about it and decided complete fresh start is not possible, we know too much of each others, we were too close back then. We decided we would still be good friends and rest… we would just see how it would develop…

… It would be easier if I truly could believe it was just I who red the signals wrong. But I still think he had feelings for me too and if he hadn’t met someone else something would have developed out of it. We would have needed time but we didn’t get that. Maybe it is better this way. She is so much better for him than I would have been and they both deserve happiness and at least it is clear end for my hopes, maybe I can finally move on.

But S hurt me. She was one of my best friends here… still is… but she let me talk about him; work my hopes up, all the time sleeping with him. She was the one I always felt I can talk anything and she doesn’t judge me or freak out. But now I am uncomfortable talking to her anything related to men, anything that has happened to me during past two weeks. Everything just would require mentioning him and I don’t want to show her how much she hurt me. I want them to have a clean start without needing to feel bad for me.

I only wish I would know am I hurt because she hurt my pride… or do I still have so strong feelings toward him that I am jealous to her. Pride or jealousy… I wish I would know