I am missing a close friend...

I miss Orthanach... 

It is amusing how suspicious we were against each others in the beginning. I saw him as the shaman of the clan, who was evaluating on behalf of clan, would I be acceptable addition to the clan or a foreign frill that just wouldn't do anything good for the clan. He saw me as a rich foreign pilot, raised as Gallentean, potential disruption for the clan if not handled right. He had to work with me to see can I be made to understand my heritage, to see whether there is any Matari in me. Oh how much mutual distrust there was in the beginning.

I don't know how in the end it happened, but over the months we became friends and even lovers. I didn't tell this to Ulf. He did ask did I fell in love with a tribal lad on the planet. Orthanach sure is not a lad, but charming and tough bit older man and I didn't fall in love to him. I have always seen three aspects in all relationships friendship, desire and romantic love. It just varies on what portions there are those. I think with Orthanach we lacked the romantic love and since the beginning we knew that we are completely wrong to each others. Now we are mostly just friends. I miss his intelligent company, our daily conversations, I am missing someone with whom I can talk about my beliefs and how I have noticed them to change, my confusion. I am missing a friend that hugs me when I am down.

I used to have plenty of close friends in Pator. But suddenly I don't seem to have any. Ulf and Anuko are the only close friends left here and both are bit special cases. With Anuko I haven't really managed to properly talk after I came back and well... I am not sure  can I be the weak one in her presence. Ulf... we used to be able to talk about anything... but now... it's just weird situation... I don't want to sound too depressed or weak, I don't want to sound someone to whom he should feel obligated to be there... well since he would just feel that... he is nice in that way.

...I am missing a close friend.