Finally...

Concord allows denying docking rights and station services from hostile militia! This is so good news. Of course we can't dock at their systems, but this makes it is a lot harder for them to try to capture and raid tribal lands. Finally!

I am missing a close friend...

I miss Orthanach... 

It is amusing how suspicious we were against each others in the beginning. I saw him as the shaman of the clan, who was evaluating on behalf of clan, would I be acceptable addition to the clan or a foreign frill that just wouldn't do anything good for the clan. He saw me as a rich foreign pilot, raised as Gallentean, potential disruption for the clan if not handled right. He had to work with me to see can I be made to understand my heritage, to see whether there is any Matari in me. Oh how much mutual distrust there was in the beginning.

I don't know how in the end it happened, but over the months we became friends and even lovers. I didn't tell this to Ulf. He did ask did I fell in love with a tribal lad on the planet. Orthanach sure is not a lad, but charming and tough bit older man and I didn't fall in love to him. I have always seen three aspects in all relationships friendship, desire and romantic love. It just varies on what portions there are those. I think with Orthanach we lacked the romantic love and since the beginning we knew that we are completely wrong to each others. Now we are mostly just friends. I miss his intelligent company, our daily conversations, I am missing someone with whom I can talk about my beliefs and how I have noticed them to change, my confusion. I am missing a friend that hugs me when I am down.

I used to have plenty of close friends in Pator. But suddenly I don't seem to have any. Ulf and Anuko are the only close friends left here and both are bit special cases. With Anuko I haven't really managed to properly talk after I came back and well... I am not sure  can I be the weak one in her presence. Ulf... we used to be able to talk about anything... but now... it's just weird situation... I don't want to sound too depressed or weak, I don't want to sound someone to whom he should feel obligated to be there... well since he would just feel that... he is nice in that way.

...I am missing a close friend.

I hope we could be friends...

I'm fine... Oh how familiar tone and selection of words. Your not lying when you pick a neutral world that tells other that your physically fine, even if your your soul is hurting, the other one will hear you'r good. Then I saw him at the office so angry and irritated. Obviously something had happened. I couldn't let it pass, I had to try.

He had lost a big crew, a battleship I think. He was so angry to himself, beating himself about it. If he would have been upset for loosing a shiny toy like many pilots would have been in that situation, I would have left him alone, but he was so upset about losing the crew. I couldn't help to remember how I have lost clones and how the most unlikely pilot... Veren... was then the one to be for me. Different situation and different kind of loss yes, but still I couldn't help thinking that maybe it is my turn to be the most unlikely person to be there if he wants company, be someone that distracts at least a bit the bad feeling, get your thoughts even for a moment to different path. I don't know did I do any good there, did I got trough his self-beating, but I tried to remind him that he is just a human too and he wouldn't be human if he wouldn't do mistakes occasionally.

Something he said keeps bothering me. When I asked did he loss any close friends in the crew... I don't have close friends... That sound so lonely. Who ever told him he needs to be more social was correct, everyone needs a close friend.

He has started finally to use my real name, not just Ms Avriette, so when saying good bye I wanted to use his name not just call sign and then it occurred to me that I probably have never heard anyone to use it. So I asked it... Rag'Nakhan. He seemed so confused about that. I think everyone should have someone that calls him by his real name.

The whole discussions reminds me of discussions which I have had with Veren. No idea was it appreciated, did I really got through to him, he is just so hard to read.

But he is now one the few that seem to be willing to really work with me in second shift. I would like to know him better, I hope we could be friends.

This has been a good week...

Four evenings at a row when walls at home are not caging me in, when the empty apartment doesn't depress me, when the station doesn't feel so empty, when corp channel doesn't feel like being full of strangers. I feel alive. Today in a different way than after finding the connection to the bio-dome, but all the same... alive. I feel again more home in Pator and Gradient. This has been a good week.

First drops of rain...

Apis and Vladimir... definitely persons I wouldn't have assumed to be my key contacts in second shift, but yet they turned out to be that. Both have surprised me, in different ways, but positively. Both have given me great ideas and food for thought. To my surprise I have enjoyed discussions with both of them tremendously. 

Rivers are formed by streams, streams are formed creeks merging, creeks are formed by drops. I think I am feeling the first drops of rain.

Small victory...

He called me Carinelle. Small victory.

Definitely want to try that out again...

Its ridiculous how simple things can be fun.  Going out to patrol with Vlad was fun. Almost first time for both of us to try hunting as a pair. We lacked routines and tactics what to do, but somehow it still was enjoyable. Lot more fun than going alone, felt lot more like my thing.  Compared to being in gang you got  to be lot more active and compared to FCing it was still more relaxed. It was also kind of nice that Vlad wasn't that experienced either but on the other hand solid and reliable pilot. We are both figuring it out. Definitely want to try that out again.