I am Falen Mor...

… or godmother with more common language. When Roc and Cierelle asked me to become godmother to Draden and Roia I felt honored. It’s great responsibility, if something happens to Roc and Cierelle I should be mother to the twins. In Federation we have godmothers too… but I always thought it more nominal custom. I still felt like that when I talked about the responsibility of Falen Mor first with Roc and then with the shaman and about the practical ceremony related to it. I have been good with the babies, played with them and not panicked when I have been baby sitting, even considered babies sweet, but not loved them, I haven't had a real connection to them until now... When in the actual ceremony the shaman placed the twins to my lap, asked me the words and gave to me that gulp of drink that contains the nanites that create the tattoo… it didn’t felt nominal anymore… I really felt something strong in my hart… I really felt like in that moment a bond was created between me and twins… I don’t know what happened, what was different. It was just words after all and nanites that create the tattoo…but still it felt so much more and still feels…I am Falen Mor.

The whole situation is so stupid...

MUFF had meeting wit EM. Result was what you would expect if you have Simeon and Meklon negotiating in a meeting where they should apologize and be humble… apparently no apology, no amendments… they are still red… I wonder does this mean they’ll eventually come to “rip out the hart of the Republic” and dec us.

This is stupid; a corporation and a alliance that could be fighting for the Republic is starting to hate Republic more and more because of a mistake, which one man can’t admit and accept consequences of his actions and be humble in front of them. But we can’t neglect a death of our man and just say it’s ok because they fight for the Republic. It would be saying yeah sure just kill us anyway you like as far as you claim to be on side of the Republic.

But still it is stupid situation and I wish I could kick sense into skulls of those two stubborn idiots. They won’t listen to me, I am not neutral anymore, and I am their enemy as well. So no use me trying to yell them. But it is so frustrating to sit a side and see them slowly turn into enemies of the Republic. The whole situation is so stupid!

Are there such things as honorable thieves...

I guess I have never consciously thought about it, but I have more or less divided bad guys to more honorable ones and less honorable ones. In my books the honorable ones have their own code of conduct, if they promise something they keep their word. They have reputation and they consider maintaining it important. Less honorable ones are the scum of the space, don’t particularly have code of conduct of any sort and they don’t have no troubles to lie or eat their word. For example I have always put Verone to first mentioned category. Of course I don’t really know him, but I have an impression he is some sort of Republic loyalist, even VETO pirates Verone keeps the group mostly out of the Republic, I might be also wrong but I have impression that if he promises something he also keeps his word. The fact that Else and Eva seem to respect him would support this image.

It would be interesting to know how “bad guys” themselves see things. Yesterday we ended up with Sonja to go have drinks at The Last Gate again. We met Eva and KJ in company of ex-bad girl Shae Tiann and bad guy Cartel affiliate pilot Caellach Marellus; one could maybe say that they seemed to belong to the “honorable thieves” category. Shae was ex Hellcat and brand new U’K member, Eva was joking that she would try to recruit her if it wouldn’t be bad behavior to recruit from another friendly corporation and unless she wouldn’t expect her to suffocate by the strict NRDS policy. This did lead to discussion that she never though she could become anti-pirate because she would feel unethical stab her ex-comrades even she had left the pirate life behind. These discussions made me curious and wonder what different kind of code of conducts the “more honorable bad guys” have. It’s also interesting philosophical question, can you be honorable if you steal and kill others in order to take their possession or ransom them.

4 years ago I would have seen things very black and white and considered that honorable thief is oxymoron, but being pilot for 3,5 years and seeing how hard place space is, I have started to see several shades of grey. So I am wondering… are there such things as honorable thieves?

Don't they say that all publicity is good publicity or something...

Oh, oh oh this is amusing! Our girls night out apparently got us to The Last Gate VIP list... This also makes me wonder why other people are on that list, including Eva and Else... what they have done?

The Last Gate VIP Guest List
Lucash Helmat
Achile Abraxas
Kimochi Rendar
Darina Rea
Kelsy Talan
Myrhial Arkenath
Reimei Kaminamida
Evanda Char
Elsebeth Rhiannon
Sonja Dragooran
Carinelle Avriette

I wonder what this does to my reputation. But don't they say that all publicity is good publicity or something :-P

Martyr or stranger...

Simeon… either I don’t know him at all anymore or he is on some stupid noble martyr gig. I went yesterday to the Last Oasis, I wanted to talk to him…kick his ass for hurting Sonja, really hear from him what is going on… and see is there anything to be salvaged from our old friendship. He was there only in holo and he was all weird and cold. He confirmed that he is taking MUFF to the State, but he also made weird threats; coming back when ready and “ripping out the hart of the Republic”, like what the hell. He refused to explain any further other than that they will threat everyone who opposes them and also Republic if she so chooses. I would here more after meeting with them and EM. That point I couldn’t make any sense to his words, but I guess “hart of the Republic” could refer to EM and opposing them us having them red. So that could have been threat against EM and not such against Republic, that would make little bit more sense.

I also asked directly why the hell he went and cheated Sonja. He didn’t say much but it slipped from him that he loves both of them, but we are now red and that would hurt Sonja sooner or later. I asked directly that did he hurt her in order to drive her away… answer was silence. That angle would actually make a bit more sense. It actually would sound that kind of stupidity he would do. He causes nothing more than troubles to Sonja so its better they broke up, it would also make sense that he consider that our friendship causes troubles to me, so he pushes me away too. That would explain the “Pilot Avriette” again. If this is such a trick I have to say its just stupid and cruel. I hated Roc when when he broke up with me because he wanted to protect me from his troubles, but at least he was honest for the reasons. I didn't have to wonder why. Poor Sonja is so confused.

Am I just finding excuses for Simeon and is he really someone I don’t know at all or is this some stupid martyr act. Martyr or stranger?

I wish I could kick someone’s ass for pain they are causing to Sonja...

On Sunday Sonja needed cheering up, she was planning to go drink heavily, letting her to do that alone didn’t sound so good idea so I and Eva made company to her and tried to make it cheerful girls night out at the Last Gate. The three of us were pretty horrible and vulgar; we even tried to persuade Karlos and later Verone to serve tables without shirt. Even they were flirt and weren’t bothered by us, I am still bit shamed of that part of the evening. If we would had been guys and Karlos a woman serving the tables it would have been inappropriate behavior, the roles being other way round it wasn’t so bad, but still not best behavior from us. Not that I would consider nudity or small clothes inappropriate but if one had not selected those he or she shouldn’t need to hear proposals to that direction when working.

I think we all had fun, but it wasn’t completely cheerful, it’s just too difficult to ignore certain nasty things. Sonja and Simeon had broken up week ago, but Siohban still sent her some nasty messages, telling she had slept with Simeon since the incident and apparently she was making it sound like Sonja’s fault that Simeon cheated her. It’s like saying nyah nyah I got the man and by the way I was sleeping with him already when you still were together and its all because you were so stupid. How low that girl can go? Eva told that Siohban had also sent messages to her, trying to stab her as well. Seriously the girl sounds like manipulating bitch. We tried to tell to Sonja not to believe her lies and just ignore her messages. This came bit hard when Sonja received message from Simeon that basically said yeah he had slept with her since the incident and it had been his idea to be quiet about it.

I don’t know what all has been in those messages and who did the initiative and frankly I don’t care to know. But what I do know is that around that incident inside one week that “naïve bit lost little girl” has been sleeping with three guys. At the night of that incident I went to talk with Veranon and saw Siohban sleeping in his bed apparently naked and apparently still few days after the incident Siohban had tried to convince Veranon to leave with her to the State and now Simeon claims that she has slept also with him since the incident and talks about love and going to the State with her. That same “naïve bit lost little girl” also seems to have a habit of sending messages to other people in order trying to stab them as badly as she can, and possibly make them have jealousy fits. Seriously… how Simeon can believe that any of her feelings are real after all this. Simeon isn’t innocent in this, but it really looks like that Siohban is the bitch of this play. I wish I could kick someone’s ass for pain they are causing to Sonja.

I really think I love him...

I love talking with Ulf but on rare moments I occasionally feel like strangling him for some of his questions. But then on following moment his next words can take me to seventh heaven. Saturday morning there was one of those moments I felt like strangling him.

He wakes me up and even before I have opened my eyes he started to ask “How do you tell if you love someone?” … “No, I guess it doesn't. But ... when you said you might be ... falling in love with me,.. what does that mean?” On logical level I did realize he asked it because he was uncertain of his own feelings, but on emotional level I couldn't help feeling that is he questioning my feelings, demanding me to proof them, not believing me. But I didn't strangle him and I listened my logical side.. and I am glad I did. I tried to put it on words even it is impossible to just describe accurately what love is. “Thank you. I think I feel the same...” He didn't say directly he would love me, but already those words made me feel warm and fuzzy.

But it wasn't anything compared to the completely happy feeling he caused me on Saturday evening. We saw again after my work. He invited me to his place to have take-away food and just be together with him. It already was pretty homey feeling, we talked over food a lot about what is going on in Gradient and Re-aw, gossiped some related to our friends, like old couple does. But then we suddenly were back on topic of the morning “Nelle, about what you said yesterday...” …”I think I might be falling in love too...” It just made me soft, glow, warm, fuzzy... so happy. It's stupid I needed to hear those words, I have seen I make him happy, but still it felt so good to hear it. “I love you” … “I love you too” and it felt so good to say it. Always before those words have been something really hard to get out of my mouth, so hard to say aloud for the couple of first time. But with him it just feels so natural and I trust him so absolutely. This has happened so fast, it scares me a lot, but I really think I love him.