You were thinking my benefit...

You made huge sacrifice to guarantee me the best life you were able to deliver in the circumstances. I can’t even imagine how hard that was for you. Then later finding out that it wouldn’t have been necessary and then again selecting my best interest in your mind.

I can’t really even imagine how it would feel to be pregnant, to be constantly reminded that my love of my life is dead and same time to be terribly sick and to be afraid that my unborn child will suffer or even die. Not knowing will I even survive until I manage to give birth to my child.

You made hard decision, decision that felt necessary to you back then. You were thinking my benefit.

I just hope I could do something...

I have been weeks away from space, from Ulf, from work…just away from my normal life. It’s been strange. My current day routine is so different… get up, breakfast with my mothers, then Adrianelle has her treatments and mom goes to help with research so I have my time for daily workout. I am probably in better physical shape than for ages. Then lunch with mom after that I have after noon time to spend with Adrianelle until it is again time for her evening treatments.

I feel so helpless. At least mom is able to help the research group with the medical research. This is first time I feel sorry that I never learned medical science… I just hope I could do something.

So many unsaid words and so little time…

I wasted so much time for being angry to you… for being hurt because you didn’t tell me sooner that you were my mother. Now I don’t have much time with you. Again you’re little better but they say it’s temporary and it will last months at best. So many words and so little time.

I miss the feeling of being a ship...

Space and water... both environments where people can't live without lifesupporting technology. In a way similar but still so different.

My scubadivung instructor says I am natural with the scubadiving equipments. Well it isn't that different from being in pod and breathing compressed air via tube. Of course you need to worry airpressure in ears and all, when in pod pressure around you stays same, but being able to relax when hooked into tubes comes pretty naturally to pod pilot and the amount of information you need to manage is lot less . There the similarity ends. Space is so huge and empty and dead, everything alive in space is artifically supported. Water is full of natural life; plants, crabs, fishes.

Even nature under the water can be amazingly beautiful and it is possible to feel weithless under the water, I keep missing the aditional sensors and all the constant information feeds... I miss being more than myself, miss the freedom. I really enjoy my time here; spending time with parents, water sports, colors here, even sun. But the longer I am out of space the more I miss my pod. I miss the feeling of being a ship.

I love and hate the sun at the same time...

It's strange to be on a planet side. I am not sure do I ever get used to sun or that temperatures change during the day. It's so different here. At our bungalow we have airconditioning and temperature stays relatively steady like on stations, but outside it is so hot. I need to be so carefull with the sun so that I won't burn myself. I already did on first day. I just didn't had time before the vacation take UV treatment so that my skinn would have been bit more prepared for the sun.

Colors outside are amazing in the sun. Trees and plants are just so green and the sea is so blue or emerald green... and under the water.. who would have believed how much life there is, all the colorful fish and corals. It looks amazing when sun shines through the water. Shines through the water literally... it can also burns through the water, who would have known that. I love and hate the sun at the same time.

Yes, Ironic…

I just don’t know what to think about Kenpatchi. He really betrayed EM by trying to hire Veto against us. He drove his own selfish goal without caring that he does put every pilot and their crew in danger or that it would mean Veto focusing more Republic area. No matter, what his reasons where, that is the case.

Reasons aren’t too clear to me either. I have pieced something together from bits and pieces…In logs he claimed revenge against Veren. Anuko had broken her ribs in sparring with Veren; apparently Kenpatchi was pissed of to Veren and wanted him to suffer in his turn. My first thought was what an idiot, if he is ready to hire group of merc without caring what collateral damage happens when her girl get hurt in friendly training session what he does next when he gets pissed of for something else. Since that he has himself said that it was more and excuse for trying to hire Veto, he mainly wanted EM to turn more against Veto. He had only seen that Veto is red, but despite that EM seemed to be rather friendly with them. Still this felt false, EM as whole hasn’t been friendly with them, just Sonja dating Karlos (who is bit special case) and then few people going TLG for beers. But I still wouldn’t call it being friendly with them; we still shoot them if we see them in Republic area. Then someone said in side sentence that Anuko had had a fling with a Veto pilot… ok now that starts to make more sense. Good old jealousy… not a good reason… but makes sense. His girl having fling with a Veto pilot probably also makes the friendliness look lot bigger thing.

It is really ironic… His actions showed that Verone and Veto do have more integrity than he did. This confirmed to me, that my thinking, that there are difference between pirates and pirates. Verone and Veto are from more honorable end of that scale and that they don’t do everything for money and that they try to avoid attacking EM. Something I did expect from them. Quite the opposite of what Kenpatchi aimed… yes, ironic.

She is back in looking help from the bottle...

Poor girl… Anuko is really down. She is feeling betrayed by Kenpatchi but same time she still loves him. She desperately would want someone to tell her what do with the whole issue. Even if she is crying her eyes out and going mad I can’t tell her that. In the end only she can decide what to do with him. I just hope her mental recovery doesn’t take serious set-back. She was already doing so well, looked happy and normal, her life seemed to work. Now she is back in looking help from the bottle.