Where do I belong...

Who am I? Who I want to be? Where do I want to belong? What do I want? Couple of good questions that Orthanach planted into my mind. I just wish I would know the answers.

I have left Federation. Republic is at least my place to live. But is it home? Do I really belong here? What is home? What is belonging? Is it place to live? Is it place where you have people to love? Is it place where you have people that love you?

A year ago I would have said that my home is in Pator, that my home is Gradient. I lived in Pator, there were dear people to me, people who I thought to also love me. But is that really so? Roc selected his clan and Cierelle and moved away... many of my old friends one by one seem to disappear… Chase… Sonja… Isobel… Do I have anyone here that would love me? That would miss me if I would go away? Where do I belong?

He wants to learn to know who am I now...

He doesn’t have anyone else. He wants to learn to know who am I now.

I would do it again...

I am tired of needing to explain my choices and life to her. I love her like dear little sister, but she never even asked why I disappeared for a year, she didn’t ask did I have reasons for it. I just left her, Ulf, everyone, the accusation was so clear in her voice. I did what I thought to be best in the situation and I would do it again.

Should I make it official… or not...

I have a clan. No matter is it official or not. I have grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins that care about me. I have big family… and strangest of all… I care about them and I want to stay in touch with them… So should I make it official… or not?

Only thing I can do is just wonder...

I saw him. He did sit opposite to me. He smiled and talked to me. He looked good and happy. He looked like having a good life… a good life without me. I can’t blame him. It was me who went to planet side, me who stopped keeping in touch. I had good reasons… but still it was me.

I wonder what he thinks about me… I hate when things are left unsettled. My fault… I know. I didn’t even give us chance to settle them. Didn’t give him chance to select to come with me to planet side or stay in space without me…

… Now I can just wonder what he thinks about me... Are we even friends anymore? Has he found someone else? What if he isn’t… does he hope for … only thing I can do is just wonder.

I hope that someday they meet again....

It’s been a close to a year since I last wrote anything to you dear diary. At that point I thought I am back in space again and life becomes normal again. How wrong I was… The strangest year of my life followed that.

Adrianelle is now gone. I miss her, but her last year was good and I am happy that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. She was happy to be united with Caren’s family. She finally had people with whom to share her memories of Caren. It made Caren more real for her again and she was happy to leave this world and hopefully be united with Caren again. Who knows, maybe their spirits meet again or maybe Intakis are right and we born again and they have a chance to meet in the next life again. I don’t know what to believe, but for their loves sake I hope that they meet again, in whatever form it would be. It is also comforting to be able to hope for it. So yes, I hope that someday they meet again...

Synchronization of offline entries....

June 5th :

There seems to be some power game on going. Almost like there would be two sub-clans under Lougherne. The intra planet trade house side Lugherns and the inter planetary side Lougherns seems to be competing for the clan leadership.... and it looks like both side are considering me as a factor in the game. Loughernes don't have any pilots in the clan. Pilot of Lougherne family would be nice addition to the inter planetary trade house side of the clan. I think Orthanach is here to evaluate what is my caracter and how I would I fit to Minmatar clan and ways of living. All the Loughernes seem very nice towards me and the few Lugherns I have met seem very reserved, some almost hostile. I hate politics.

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May 20th:

I am not stupid, I know when I am being evaluated. The Lougherne shaman Orthanach Lougherne has also been a visitor of Jarvis and Emily already close to a month now and he quietly seems to seek my company, telling me clan traditions and answering to my questions. He is very discreet at it, but non a the less he is evaluating me.

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April 14th:

I am worried about Adrianelle. Since the last bad period she seems to live more and more in the past. Only remembering Caren. Of course she comes along perfectly with Emily and Jarvis. It is clear that she is dying eventually. They have nothing to loose. Emily and Jarvis have in her the daughter in law they never had and they want to hear all they can from last months of Caren while they can and they have been able to give Adrianelle the only connection to Caren that still is possible. Of course I am happy for Adrianelle.

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March 23rd:

"Dear Carinelle,

I am sorry to heat that Adrianelle has been worse again but I am thrilled to hear that you and Adrianelle would finally wish to visit us. You are very welcome to our family estate in Olfeim IV. I am eager to meet the woman that can be considered as the life companion of my son and you their daughter.

Br, Emily Lougherne"

I guess we are off to Olfeim then.

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March 19th:

Adrianelle is like possessed. Only thing she can think that she has to go see Loughernes now that she is better again. As soon as possible. I guess she also did allow herself to think that she has more time. Only thing she can think is meeting Jarvis and Emily.

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March 15th:

They got it under control again! She is better.

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March 1st:

Back in Federation. Back in this white room. Alone in the silence. With my thoughts. Again.

Adrianelle is sick. Again. I did allow myself to think that she would have more time. That I wouldn't have to do certain things right now. I swear if she gets better again I will take her to meet Loughernes.