I have changed...

I couldn't sleep. So I went to look the bio-dome Matariki mentioned to me. It was lovely. Air there felt so clean, so fresh and it was so quiet and calm there. I did sit there a long while meditating. I had the sacred herbs in incense burning slowly like Othanach had thought me and meditating. First time here in Kulheim I actually managed to form a connection to my surroundings. The bio-dome felt like vibrating hart of the station. I feel so much better now. I think I can sleep better now.

I can't imagine that I would have done this year ago. I have changed.

So I keep trying...

I have slowly started to believe into possibility of spirits. On planet side it was so much more easier to believe that every living thing in the nature has spirit. There, also possibility of ancestors looking after us, seemed more likely.

Here in space that feels lot harder to really believe. Everything here is man made, there really isn't nature around us. If I miss something from the planet side, it is the nature and the connection to it. I can't even start to describe the feeling at night alone in the wilderness after inhaling smoke from the sacred fire. I have never felt more alive. According to Orthanach the blood of my ancestors is strong in me, apparently even among them it is not usual to form that strong connection to the surroundings. In there I can almost believe to ancestors, that they stay with us, that they protect us. In the nature there is so strong anonymous life around us, but also something friendly. Maybe that friendly force is the ancestors. I kind of like the idea.

In space the closest connection to the universe around me is when I am the ship, floating in the space. The wide space around me is the closest thing to nature here, but it is not the same thing. Space is so dead, there isn't anything growing there. I can be same with it when I am the ship, but it doesn't fill me with life and there isn't anything friendly around us. Here it is very hard for me to believe into ancestors looking after us.

Orthanach encourages me to find connection with my surroundings here. He says I am pilot, that I belong to space so I should seek my connection with it. Space isn't his domain so he can't guide me here. But he says that the blood of ancestors is strong in me, it will guide me to find my way if I keep trying... so I keep trying.

For a moment the connection was back...

First time after my comeback it shortly felt like the old magical connection is back... our ability so naturally to talk about personal and deep topics... I had almost dropped hope for that still to exist. Too bad we were disrupted. But for a moment the connection was back.

It would be so easy...

I noticed that I have troubles to keep a promise I made for myself. Orthanach proposed to test taking a different approach for all my relationships for a while. See that does it make a difference. Not to give any excuses to others to take me lightly, consider me self evident or consider that I am not seriously involved.

I promised to myself that this time I won't make the first initiative to go for a date, I promised to myself to avoid one night stands and I promised to myself consider joining the clan and taking the voluval. It would be possible just legally agree on paper for making it official, but Orthanach said that it would make it too easy for some members of the clan consider me lightly, not as a full member and that would make it easy for myself to not consider myself as full member. So that would be giving excuses... for them as well as for myself. I don't have to decide it at once. According to Orthanach youngsters go through during their childhood a path of tasks that coach them into growing spiritually and understand better their cultural heritage. He thinks I could try the same approach and to do the same tasks even I am adult. That would help me understand better my cultural heritage and grow slowly to decide do I really want to take the voluval. I kind of like the idea.

That part of the promise doesn't sound too hard to keep... but with men... evenings are just so lonely. I miss having someone warm to keep me company, have someone to keep the depressing thoughts away... it would be so tempting to ask Someone for drinks and let one thing to lead to another... It would be so easy.

Enough of this...

I need to stop wallowing in misery and just get myself going again. Enough of this.

Not even Ulf...

This sucks. Lost clone today and I never react well to emergency cloning. Today is not an exception. Doctor says that I am just more sensitive than others for post cloning stress order or something. What ever it is, I feel crap next 12h. The evening is the worst. Good thing there is whiskey.

It's also a first time that I don't have anyone keeping me company, hugging me when the seizures hits. It makes me hope Veren would still be here, would be my friend. The two times I lost a clone, he was there, realized how bad I felt and just was there. Held me in his arms and borrowed me his strength. Second time brought me even a nerveshot or something, fucking illegal, but damn it helped. He did remember how bad the evening can be for me. Obviously that was years ago, he wouldn't come for me anymore. He probably would be just happy that I suffer.

How come I have ended up into a situation where I don't have anyone to notice how bad I feel, how much I would want someone just come to keep me company, hold me... How come I don't have anyone...

... Not even Ulf.

What if I do...

Damned Orthanach, he has managed to mess my head. During the days I am fine, I am back in the space, I have been less than a week back and I have already been on 3 ops, feeling postive about EM ally combat activity, feeling that I actually might be doing come back to space... but at the evenings... alone... it is then when the thoughts hit.

Do I keep men at distance? Do I avoid taking risks when I don't commit to one man at the time? Is he right that I give men reasons not to take me seriously? Do I use ”being foreigner” as excuse for myself not to really to commit any entity here in Republic? Am I afraid of commitments? Am I afraid to take risks?

I really don't see it that way... but what if I do?