I miss the feeling of being a ship...

Space and water... both environments where people can't live without lifesupporting technology. In a way similar but still so different.

My scubadivung instructor says I am natural with the scubadiving equipments. Well it isn't that different from being in pod and breathing compressed air via tube. Of course you need to worry airpressure in ears and all, when in pod pressure around you stays same, but being able to relax when hooked into tubes comes pretty naturally to pod pilot and the amount of information you need to manage is lot less . There the similarity ends. Space is so huge and empty and dead, everything alive in space is artifically supported. Water is full of natural life; plants, crabs, fishes.

Even nature under the water can be amazingly beautiful and it is possible to feel weithless under the water, I keep missing the aditional sensors and all the constant information feeds... I miss being more than myself, miss the freedom. I really enjoy my time here; spending time with parents, water sports, colors here, even sun. But the longer I am out of space the more I miss my pod. I miss the feeling of being a ship.

I love and hate the sun at the same time...

It's strange to be on a planet side. I am not sure do I ever get used to sun or that temperatures change during the day. It's so different here. At our bungalow we have airconditioning and temperature stays relatively steady like on stations, but outside it is so hot. I need to be so carefull with the sun so that I won't burn myself. I already did on first day. I just didn't had time before the vacation take UV treatment so that my skinn would have been bit more prepared for the sun.

Colors outside are amazing in the sun. Trees and plants are just so green and the sea is so blue or emerald green... and under the water.. who would have believed how much life there is, all the colorful fish and corals. It looks amazing when sun shines through the water. Shines through the water literally... it can also burns through the water, who would have known that. I love and hate the sun at the same time.

Yes, Ironic…

I just don’t know what to think about Kenpatchi. He really betrayed EM by trying to hire Veto against us. He drove his own selfish goal without caring that he does put every pilot and their crew in danger or that it would mean Veto focusing more Republic area. No matter, what his reasons where, that is the case.

Reasons aren’t too clear to me either. I have pieced something together from bits and pieces…In logs he claimed revenge against Veren. Anuko had broken her ribs in sparring with Veren; apparently Kenpatchi was pissed of to Veren and wanted him to suffer in his turn. My first thought was what an idiot, if he is ready to hire group of merc without caring what collateral damage happens when her girl get hurt in friendly training session what he does next when he gets pissed of for something else. Since that he has himself said that it was more and excuse for trying to hire Veto, he mainly wanted EM to turn more against Veto. He had only seen that Veto is red, but despite that EM seemed to be rather friendly with them. Still this felt false, EM as whole hasn’t been friendly with them, just Sonja dating Karlos (who is bit special case) and then few people going TLG for beers. But I still wouldn’t call it being friendly with them; we still shoot them if we see them in Republic area. Then someone said in side sentence that Anuko had had a fling with a Veto pilot… ok now that starts to make more sense. Good old jealousy… not a good reason… but makes sense. His girl having fling with a Veto pilot probably also makes the friendliness look lot bigger thing.

It is really ironic… His actions showed that Verone and Veto do have more integrity than he did. This confirmed to me, that my thinking, that there are difference between pirates and pirates. Verone and Veto are from more honorable end of that scale and that they don’t do everything for money and that they try to avoid attacking EM. Something I did expect from them. Quite the opposite of what Kenpatchi aimed… yes, ironic.

She is back in looking help from the bottle...

Poor girl… Anuko is really down. She is feeling betrayed by Kenpatchi but same time she still loves him. She desperately would want someone to tell her what do with the whole issue. Even if she is crying her eyes out and going mad I can’t tell her that. In the end only she can decide what to do with him. I just hope her mental recovery doesn’t take serious set-back. She was already doing so well, looked happy and normal, her life seemed to work. Now she is back in looking help from the bottle.

I really hope I am learning to do something right...

Early wake up of Saturday was worth it. Ulf had invited couple of his friends to spend evening (for them but morning for me) with us so I could meet them. There was Matariki and Jacob and Ciarente with a friend. They were all nice and I felt welcome in their company. This time I didn’t have the feeling that Matariki is distant in my company. It feels like we are slowly but steadily systematically mingling our lives with Ulf. We have really seen effort to learn how we both are. He is seeing effort to get to know my friends and vice versa. There have been talks that he would take me to Paiho to meet his family and that he would like to meet my parents. Everything feels to work out like a dream. It just feels to be too good to be true. I can’t help to expect a moment when we wake up to hard reality, but I hope that finally I am doing something right.

In my past relationships I can’t remember that there would have been such an effort from both sides to become part of the life of the other one. Veren really avoided letting me close or didn’t want to get involved too close with my life. Mordenkainan, Teo and Simeon all relatively short and hot relationships with fun moments and being there for the other when needed, but no real effort to really become part of other one’s life, even attempts to keep one out part of the life and then when the waking up to reality finally happened there wasn’t enough ties to keep us together. With Roc there was more effort to get to know each others, but not so systematic steps what we have taken with Ulf. Roc never really invited me to meet his friends or see effort to become friends with mines. I think the dream with him is over and we are in the part finding out did we create enough ties to each others to stay together... currently I am not sure of that.

I really hope I am learning to do something right...

I feel good…

Weekend was relaxing. I am glad I decided to ask few friends over to celebrate my birthday. I hadn’t done that for ages. I hadn’t realized before that how much I have actually missed that feeling. Friendly chatter, everyone behaved, no arguments between my friends even Sonja and Bel acted nice when Karlos was mentioned, getting drunk just enough… just forgetting all the work and unpleasanties for one evening. As added bonus Masim was visiting space side again and he even had time to come to spend some time with us! Masim here brought memories. He had managed to dig up that Gallentean green stuff somewhere. Sheesh I hadn’t drink it since Chase was around.

Somehow this break week has also started pretty well. I have managed to do the little chores I have been planning and start to work for a new agent. It actually feels good that I don’t have to think about what is the mineral situation somewhere and that I probably should go do few days of hauling before I go do my own chores. I am actually relaxing and recharging my batteries. After couple of weeks I might even feel ready for next combat period.

This has just been good week. I feel good.

We have taken the first step...

After my op I and Roc suddenly both were on comms. We had bit of idle time to chat. I don’t remember when this has last happened.

He was stuck at the POS and I was on Pator so we couldn’t meet but we could talk… even that was more than for months… It felt weird… I had to think topics like I need to think with people I don’t know well… we had been so separate from each others… It would have been easier if he would have been there in person, I could have gone close and hug him, remember how it felt to be close… but now it was this man that probably didn’t know anything about my life from last half a year… how do you talk to him…

… He must have seen something from my expression since he asked what’s up… After hesitating I told him the truth. I guess it was good, it lead to first real discussion for months that how I feel… how I had missed him… how the apartment feels so big, empty and lonely without him...

… The discussion didn’t solve anything or didn’t lead anywhere… but it was a first step on the long road…although I am not sure yet where that road leads. I think the cross section is still ahead of us, we have time to select which direction we really take... do we turn to separate ways or do we select a common path… but definitely we have taken the first step.