Not even Ulf...

This sucks. Lost clone today and I never react well to emergency cloning. Today is not an exception. Doctor says that I am just more sensitive than others for post cloning stress order or something. What ever it is, I feel crap next 12h. The evening is the worst. Good thing there is whiskey.

It's also a first time that I don't have anyone keeping me company, hugging me when the seizures hits. It makes me hope Veren would still be here, would be my friend. The two times I lost a clone, he was there, realized how bad I felt and just was there. Held me in his arms and borrowed me his strength. Second time brought me even a nerveshot or something, fucking illegal, but damn it helped. He did remember how bad the evening can be for me. Obviously that was years ago, he wouldn't come for me anymore. He probably would be just happy that I suffer.

How come I have ended up into a situation where I don't have anyone to notice how bad I feel, how much I would want someone just come to keep me company, hold me... How come I don't have anyone...

... Not even Ulf.

What if I do...

Damned Orthanach, he has managed to mess my head. During the days I am fine, I am back in the space, I have been less than a week back and I have already been on 3 ops, feeling postive about EM ally combat activity, feeling that I actually might be doing come back to space... but at the evenings... alone... it is then when the thoughts hit.

Do I keep men at distance? Do I avoid taking risks when I don't commit to one man at the time? Is he right that I give men reasons not to take me seriously? Do I use ”being foreigner” as excuse for myself not to really to commit any entity here in Republic? Am I afraid of commitments? Am I afraid to take risks?

I really don't see it that way... but what if I do?

Where do I belong...

Who am I? Who I want to be? Where do I want to belong? What do I want? Couple of good questions that Orthanach planted into my mind. I just wish I would know the answers.

I have left Federation. Republic is at least my place to live. But is it home? Do I really belong here? What is home? What is belonging? Is it place to live? Is it place where you have people to love? Is it place where you have people that love you?

A year ago I would have said that my home is in Pator, that my home is Gradient. I lived in Pator, there were dear people to me, people who I thought to also love me. But is that really so? Roc selected his clan and Cierelle and moved away... many of my old friends one by one seem to disappear… Chase… Sonja… Isobel… Do I have anyone here that would love me? That would miss me if I would go away? Where do I belong?

He wants to learn to know who am I now...

He doesn’t have anyone else. He wants to learn to know who am I now.

I would do it again...

I am tired of needing to explain my choices and life to her. I love her like dear little sister, but she never even asked why I disappeared for a year, she didn’t ask did I have reasons for it. I just left her, Ulf, everyone, the accusation was so clear in her voice. I did what I thought to be best in the situation and I would do it again.

Should I make it official… or not...

I have a clan. No matter is it official or not. I have grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins that care about me. I have big family… and strangest of all… I care about them and I want to stay in touch with them… So should I make it official… or not?

Only thing I can do is just wonder...

I saw him. He did sit opposite to me. He smiled and talked to me. He looked good and happy. He looked like having a good life… a good life without me. I can’t blame him. It was me who went to planet side, me who stopped keeping in touch. I had good reasons… but still it was me.

I wonder what he thinks about me… I hate when things are left unsettled. My fault… I know. I didn’t even give us chance to settle them. Didn’t give him chance to select to come with me to planet side or stay in space without me…

… Now I can just wonder what he thinks about me... Are we even friends anymore? Has he found someone else? What if he isn’t… does he hope for … only thing I can do is just wonder.