Scary and wonderful same time...

My thoughts again come back to the naming ceremony and linkage it created to Draden and Roia… and indirectly to Rocius. Even if we would break up with him the next day the link to Draden and Roia would be there until they are old enough. Even I and Roc don't have any official tie to each others, I am still a little bit a mother to his children no matter what... that in a way is first link between us... it is kind of scary and wonderful. Wonderful because even idea of permanent tie between us makes my hart jump and scary because still when we are separated I keep wondering can this work out... and we are separated a lot... scary and wonderful same time.

He reminds me from myself even he has gone through so different path...

Caellach told me his story how he had ended up into Naraka. It’s very different from my story, but yet in the beginning there are that much similarities that I wonder where I would be if I hadn’t heard about Gradient from Chase and ended up here right away. Caellach was young and idealistic, wanted To Do Right Things, Something Big and not just serve corporations gathering isk because of isk… oh that strikes so familiar. He also found out via hard way that world isn’t pretty or ideal… that sounds so familiar too, I am just happy I was in very different environment when I started to realize that.

Initially he picked Federation Intelligence Office as his employer. What would be greater than helping Federation through FIO? But suprise suprise FIO guys aren’t the white knights, but the guys that take care of the dirty laundry. Even I could have guessed that beforehand... maybe. He should have picked Federation Navy if we wanted to be the white knight. He was disappointed hard, although that last mission, which he told me, really shocks me. I just can’t believe it from Federation, it has to be a show of one sick individual in the system…sabotage of one of the Republic bases in order to make Amarr looks worse and Federation better. I can’t believe even FIO would officially accept that.

He ended up hang out with wrong people that gave bad ideas to him. He though he joined nice and idealistic industrial corporation, well I guess it looked like that for while. Once he learned what is going on under the surface he applied to Re-aw.

That basically could have been me if I hadn't heard about Gradient. I probably would have tried to find Something Important To Do for the Federation to really help or searched other corporations with ideology and that time I was so innocent, I probably could have bought the story of Preta Industries, I so easily could have ended up picking similar hazardous path. He has gone through very different kind of path than I have, but I still recognize similarities. He has become tougher, more cynical, he has learned how to play the on the field, but I think there is still small portion of that young idealist left. He reminds me from myself even he has gone through so different path.

I think I was right after all...

Feinlyn contacted me again. He has finally really met real slaves and realized that no matter that there are people who voluntarily are being slaves, there are plenty of those who don't voluntarily do that but are forced into it. He has adopted a slave girl and wants to help her, get her out. He is on his way to Federation to start a new life. I promised to help him to get proper ID and such to that girl Zara. I don't know who is who in Federation anymore so I can't recommend any corporations to Feinlyn. I hope he finds a good job, he really needs structure into his life, I don't think it would be good to for him to be just freelancer. After the month in Amarr space his standings suck, and that corp don't look good in his employment history. He needs to work hard to get people in Federation and Republic to trust him again.

Meeting Zara has seemed to do good for him. There was no word of that nonsense about maybe he is meant to serve others. It looked like he had found a new purpose to his life. He still looked tired like hell, but he was in control of his life again.

I already did wonder was my gut feeling about him wrong. I judged from the start that he is good fellow, bit lost, but good. The path he seemed to selected made me wonder was I wrong. But apparently he just needed to learn facts of life through hard way. I think I was right after all.

Am I a silly or are there spirits...

I have never believed into any god, faith, spirits, magic etc mystics. Still lately I have caught myself wondering what if something mystical after all exists. The naming ceremony and link it created between me and twins felt stronger than just the words. Ulf believes into spirits, he says there are plenty of those in Paiho. I asked does he think there are spirits in ships and stations, he wasn't sure but he said that ships have felt to him like they would have spirits and they work better if you talk to the spirit of the ship. I don't know would I believe into that, but it made me think about The Shackled Amarr... after that horrible incident there, it has felt different. It used to feel like home, a friendly place. Now I haven't felt comfortable in there, Sonja has felt same. I wonder... do bars have spirits, and did we anger that spirit. After CJ had her party there, SA has started to feel little bit better again. Am I a silly or are there spirits?

He has seemed like a nice fellow to me...

Ulf says Karlos is just bartender and nothing more. When looking his standings and security status that actually looks like its true. So maybe he personally is not pirating, he has seemed like a nice fellow to me.

It's really none of my business....

Meh, Sonja's looking troubles. She just earlier yesterday said she is only looking, but not touching... but I am not sure do I believe her. Caellach said yesterday at the party to her something, which makes me believe she is lying: “Still going well with your new fella?” and Sonja's reaction was to blush and try to hush it: “Hush about that. and yeah...” Both I and Sonja met Caellach same time and that was after Sonja broke up with Simeon. Sonja has been spending lot of time in The Last Gate and apparently flirting a lot with Karlos, but what Caellach said kind of hints that there might be more going on with them.

According Gottii Veto has slowly started to pirate again in Republic area, killed some Minmatar militia. Not good. It has been possible to categorize Veto as less evil bad guys since they have on purpose stayed out of Republic. But timing of this is bad. Karlos is now neutral but he is pretty fast red if Veto continues to pirate in Republic and Sonja is so asking troubles if dating a red.

I am worried about her, but it's really none of my business.

I don’t know what I should do...

I have told couple of my friends that I and Ulf date. Sonja, Bel and Tal are just happy I am seeing nice guy that makes me happy… but Anuko...

We chatted what had happened while she was away etc. I was so full on happiness because of Ulf that I just kind of started to blurt that I have new boyfriend. After I had said the first words I realized “oh I totally forgot that she used to have crush to Ulf”… and dozens confusing thoughts hit my mind in a whirl… “She just got out of hospital, her mind is still fragile, is this good time for telling this”… “But the gossips are out, better to tell her directly and not to let her to learn it from gossips”… “She has had a crush at least to Simeon after this, maybe she is over Ulf”… I had blurted the first sentence, so no way out of telling also rest of it. So I told her that I and Ulf are couple now… it seemed to hurt her. She went awfully guiet; her reactions reminded me from how I reacted when Sonja told me about her and Simeon being couple. I guess she still had feelings toward him. I felt bad even I know that I nor Ulf hadn’t done anything wrong, it was already months ago when she had crush to Ulf and he never in purpose let her to believe that he would be anything else than just friend to her, it wasn’t even me who Ulf had crush back then… but I still felt bad. But I was happy I told her, it hurt me so much when I had realized how long Sonja had hided from me that there is something between her and Simeon and just let me continue work my hope up. Not a same thing, but still I definitely didn’t want to do anything like that to Anuko and considering her tendency to paranoia it would had been worst possible option, but on that moment I didn’t think it this throughout.

On weekend Ulf hinted in his letter that Anuko had threatened him; something along lines he better not hurt me. In the same time that does and doesn’t surprise me. I definitely didn’t see it coming, I would have expected more pining after him, but once heard about it that made sense. When it comes to men, she doesn’t pine after them. She seems easily to fall in love to guys that try to be nice to her, help her, but she can not accept option that maybe it was she who read the signs wrong, so the fault needs to be in the guy, the guy was the bastard that played with her feelings. Ever since I first time intervened with her drug usage and half forced her to rehabilitation and negotiated her out of the deal which had forced her to do work which her psyche couldn’t handle, she has thought about me as kind of big sister. Already when I had hard time with Simeon Anuko had threatened him too. I guess if she sees Ulf through ‘the guy is bastard’ filter she is afraid he will hurt me too like he hurt her.

Should I just let the topic be and hope that time fixes things, or should I try to talk to her? I don’t want her to try to protect me from bogeys that don’t even exist and I don’t want her to give Ulf hard time because of me. I don’t know what I should do.