I really hope I am learning to do something right...

Early wake up of Saturday was worth it. Ulf had invited couple of his friends to spend evening (for them but morning for me) with us so I could meet them. There was Matariki and Jacob and Ciarente with a friend. They were all nice and I felt welcome in their company. This time I didn’t have the feeling that Matariki is distant in my company. It feels like we are slowly but steadily systematically mingling our lives with Ulf. We have really seen effort to learn how we both are. He is seeing effort to get to know my friends and vice versa. There have been talks that he would take me to Paiho to meet his family and that he would like to meet my parents. Everything feels to work out like a dream. It just feels to be too good to be true. I can’t help to expect a moment when we wake up to hard reality, but I hope that finally I am doing something right.

In my past relationships I can’t remember that there would have been such an effort from both sides to become part of the life of the other one. Veren really avoided letting me close or didn’t want to get involved too close with my life. Mordenkainan, Teo and Simeon all relatively short and hot relationships with fun moments and being there for the other when needed, but no real effort to really become part of other one’s life, even attempts to keep one out part of the life and then when the waking up to reality finally happened there wasn’t enough ties to keep us together. With Roc there was more effort to get to know each others, but not so systematic steps what we have taken with Ulf. Roc never really invited me to meet his friends or see effort to become friends with mines. I think the dream with him is over and we are in the part finding out did we create enough ties to each others to stay together... currently I am not sure of that.

I really hope I am learning to do something right...

I feel good…

Weekend was relaxing. I am glad I decided to ask few friends over to celebrate my birthday. I hadn’t done that for ages. I hadn’t realized before that how much I have actually missed that feeling. Friendly chatter, everyone behaved, no arguments between my friends even Sonja and Bel acted nice when Karlos was mentioned, getting drunk just enough… just forgetting all the work and unpleasanties for one evening. As added bonus Masim was visiting space side again and he even had time to come to spend some time with us! Masim here brought memories. He had managed to dig up that Gallentean green stuff somewhere. Sheesh I hadn’t drink it since Chase was around.

Somehow this break week has also started pretty well. I have managed to do the little chores I have been planning and start to work for a new agent. It actually feels good that I don’t have to think about what is the mineral situation somewhere and that I probably should go do few days of hauling before I go do my own chores. I am actually relaxing and recharging my batteries. After couple of weeks I might even feel ready for next combat period.

This has just been good week. I feel good.

We have taken the first step...

After my op I and Roc suddenly both were on comms. We had bit of idle time to chat. I don’t remember when this has last happened.

He was stuck at the POS and I was on Pator so we couldn’t meet but we could talk… even that was more than for months… It felt weird… I had to think topics like I need to think with people I don’t know well… we had been so separate from each others… It would have been easier if he would have been there in person, I could have gone close and hug him, remember how it felt to be close… but now it was this man that probably didn’t know anything about my life from last half a year… how do you talk to him…

… He must have seen something from my expression since he asked what’s up… After hesitating I told him the truth. I guess it was good, it lead to first real discussion for months that how I feel… how I had missed him… how the apartment feels so big, empty and lonely without him...

… The discussion didn’t solve anything or didn’t lead anywhere… but it was a first step on the long road…although I am not sure yet where that road leads. I think the cross section is still ahead of us, we have time to select which direction we really take... do we turn to separate ways or do we select a common path… but definitely we have taken the first step.

The little questions matter...

How are you? Do you want company? I hadn’t told Ulf that I had lost Monster; he had seen it on the op and was worried for me afterward. I am not used to it, but it felt good… that someone cares…

I was feeling down. I did everything right at the op, I was close to shields and there should have had been time to get under the force field. But sensor lag made my systems to response so slow that even micro warp driving towards the tower didn’t help. I hadn’t given evacuation order early since we all thought we can make it. Because of that I lost lot of my crew. Most of the officers got to escape pod… but lot of the crew below didn’t. Monster and its crew had served me a long time and suddenly there is a hole in place where they should be. Weirdest thing is, this hurts even more than if I had done mistake or the enemy would have been just purely smarter… it just seems so futile loss.

… The thing that Ulf realized this and asked that little question and offered his company made me really realize other thing. Roc hasn’t asked for months how am I? He just hasn't been here at all...

...It matters that someone is there for you without you asking it. The little questions matter...

I am not very good at station games...

Shees I am again rusty as hell in FCing. But at least I managed to kick my ass into pod and schedule an op during wartime even if high sec war games are not exactly my expertise or comfort area. It was visible in the op too.

Usually I don’t like station games. But somehow it appealed to me try to sneak a fleet to next system and try to figure out do they have bigger fleet around while they do same thing. But still I am not very good at station games.

Crappy end for crappy day...

Weekend and Ulf were great, but the good mood didn’t last long. Monday was crappy again. Too many stupid meetings. Didn’t feel like flying or being social but I had to pick couple of new skills so had to get into pod.

Sonja was there too. She actually wanted to see me and not to disappear somewhere with her mystery man. I can’t remember when she last did that. She wanted finally tell me who her mystery man is. Yup it was the one I had assumed since the beginning the one which she couldn’t admit when asked earlier. I think I am slightly hurt that she couldn’t say it earlier when it was kind of obvious already. She had to wait this long, tell bunch of people first before she could actually admit it to me. Even Caellach. Am I so judgmental or can’t I keep secrets if needed.

He was at the bar too. So casual, wouldn’t even come to talk with us. Sonja didn’t like my question that is it usual that he doesn’t come to kiss hello or is it just me who prevents it. I guess if I want them in situation where I can actually freely talk to him I need to arrange small private social get together.

On my way out I asked via comms would it be ok invite Ulf and them to some social event. She said that he has just after I left decided to take my advice and kiss her publicly, so it would be ok to tell Ulf too. So I guess it was then me with whom they were so careful. That kind of hurts.

Again at home was again silent and empty apartment. It’s too big, too empty, too lonely. Crappy end for crappy day.

This was good Saturday...

It didn’t feel like it in the morning. I just really didn’t feel like getting into pod and flying or seeing anyone in general… just one of those days…. But couldn’t help, I had committed to be in tournament and promised to see Ulf afterwards.

Tournament was great. I did my part ok and team was amazing. Gerrard is just genius with the tactics and FCing.

Afterwards I still didn’t feel like being social. I went to SA like I had agreed with Ulf. Everyone was drinking, congratulating everyone in team… I smiled and answered something to everyone… but I didn’t feel like being there. I wanted run away… I didn’t even know why I was feeling that low still.

We escaped with Ulf pretty soon. We hadn’t yet had chance to see after he came back from planet side. I think we both just wanted to have moment alone with each others. We curled at my couch close to each other. It just felt so good. It was like that he just being there absorbed my crappy feeling away and filled me with silent happiness by just sitting next to me and talking me quietly what had happened on planet side.

His auntie Gytha had sent me present. Ulf was so cutely blushing when he explained how to wear it. Gytha definitely surprised me there. I think I will like her and I am definitely curious to meet her eventually. Somehow through that gift she managed to make me feel more accepted than anything, what had Ulf explained to me that she hadn’t been negative when he had told her about us etc.

It was so good to have someone to take to bedroom… someone to snuggle close to me… someone to love me… someone to fall sleep next to me.

This was good Saturday.