He is taking peace of my hart with him...

It's done. Roc and I aren't an item anymore. I feel contradicted. I feel relief, like a weight would have been lifted from my back, but same time I am terribly sad and feel like I wanna crawl under my blanket and have a good crying fit. We were so close some point and I will miss that even last year we just have been drifting apart. He doesn't know it but he is taking peace of my hart with him.

Life gives and life takes...

Celebrating Ulf’s birthday with just the two of us was really nice. He had ordered ala carte dinner, bubbly and server to his home and we had enjoyable, sweet and private evening together. It made me realize that it has been a while since we last had more romantic date. We have spent evenings together at home and we have gone for ad-hoc beer occasionally, but we haven’t done actual dates since the early phases of the relationship. Having special dates for a change was surprisingly nice and romantic; I hadn’t expected to miss them that much. It also made me realize that our relationship has lost the first rush of romantic moments and viewing it through pink glasses and is now more everyday thing than special moments. Same time it’s nice that we have made this far but in a way also bit sad. In general we make each others happy, even others see it. Ulf said that when we are out together others look us jealously. I hadn’t realized that, but I guess it is true.

Next evening alone at home was worse than usual. The contrast between nice and happy evening with Ulf and the empty apartment that was supposed to be our apartment, mine and Roc’s and Cierelle’s, was so huge. I think I need to face the truth; our relationship didn’t last in the everyday life. I thought Roc was a station brat like me, but I was wrong. He has built life to planet side; clan, Cierelle, kids, duty and he feels like he belongs there. He has good life there. His place is with his family, but my life is in the space. Truth hurts, but avoiding acknowledging it hurts even more. Oh well, life gives and life takes.

Don’t know what he thought about it...

In general I hate inventing bithday presents to people that matter, I suck at it. Inventing birthday present for Ulf was hard. I am not completely happy for the idea I end up picking but I hope he picks the thought behind it. I liked my first idea but unfortunately it wasn’t feasible. In Gradient Ulf has learned slowly more industrial skills; I would have wanted to buy him blueprint copy of his favorate ship which he could have built for himself to use. I think the he would have valued a ship like that. Except I got this idea way too late to subtly find out what really is his favorate ship, it probably would have been a T2 ship and his producing skills probably aren’t even near to it, T1 ship he might have been able to build with just little additional studying. It was same time nice idea and completely stupid idea. I also went in my head through traditional Republic Firetails and such but they are nowadays pretty much useless, besides it’s a traditional thing to buy for a Minmatar pilot, I wanted to be a little bit more original. In the end I ended up to try to find something that might be usefull and nice to try out but something he wouldn’t have thought to try himself out. I bought him synthetic boosters, I have heard good things about them and besides I liked the idea making him a harder target to shoot at. When he opened the packet he mostly looked baffled, don’t know what he thought about it.

Me, myself and I...

I had to update my picture on pilot license. Honestly, it was about a time, my old picture was so outdated. Photographer took some additional pictures for my personal use too. I am pretty happy how they turned out.

So here are they... me, myself and I

Does anyone in Gradient really know him...

Bel broke up with Theron. She still loves him, but I think she did the correct thing. She wasn’t feeling well in that relationship. I wonder how Theron is doing. Did he love Isobel or was it just convenient to have lover. He has always been the distant perfect guy, polite director that is good in everything he does. Never lets anyone close, until Bel… except in the end he didn’t let her that close either. Does he have hart, does he have feelings, does he have any really close friends to whom he would talk? He hides his feelings really well. He has to have someone he trusts. It would be really horrible life, not to trust anyone, never let anyone close… like Veren.

This makes me think. WhoTheron really is? What is his back ground? Does he have some dark secrets in his past? Does anyone in Gradient really know him?

This week has been better…

Not so many people feel like familiar strangers. It helped to go drink with Bel and Anuko even the drinking part got little bit out hand. Looks like Isobel has also been putting up the mask of bright face and smile and now the mask were taken off, at least for a while. It felt more genuine. For a change Anuko is the one being strong and feeling well.

Flying has been coming back for me; I don’t feel so rusty and out of place anymore. My ships and fittings still are out of date. The preference for ship types what FCs want for fleets has changed during my absence so I need to update them and I hate planning fittings. Other than updating my ships I have almost caught up with the various tasks that have been waiting my comeback. In general, this week has been better.

I just put up bright face and smile...

Sheesh during the time I was away from space they did some interface updates and tests with my pod and managed to mess all my settings. Christ what a work to get them on level I feel comfortable flying. I really waited to get back to space flying. I waited to be one with the ship. But now that I am finally back I feel weird. I’m rusty and out of date; I am not sure would I trust myself on flying combat, not to mention fleet commanding.

Corp is full of familiar strangers. I am sure it’s not them but me. I don’t know how to be with the others after getting used to being just with my thoughts and putting up bright face to mom and Adrianelle. I put up cheerful and bright face to people in corp. too despite that I am not so cheerful. It’s great that Adrianelle is better but it still can be just weeks and she is back on state where she was fighting for her life. I still need to decide what to do with the clan Lougherne. Try to get to know them, really know them, and not just let them talk pretty to a pilot.

Others don’t deserve my negative and dark mood. I should be happy for Adrianelle, happy for finding out long lost relatives, happy to be back in space, but somehow the happiness just isn’t there. So I just put up bright face and smile.