I keep wondering how does it feel to meet him in person again...

Back then there were flames between us, they were high and consuming. Maybe in the end they would have consumed itself leaving nothing… but he left before that happened... we never had chance to find out...

It was years ago. He went to fight against my people. I got over him ages ago… Still small part of me is curious to see how it will feel to see him in person again …and another small part is happy that he has been asking after me…he hurt me leaving like that… I guess he also hurt my pride leaving like that… I never got a proper chance to tell what I thought about it… and that same small part still wants to throw those old thoughts at his face… not productive or nice… so very good thing that it is just a very small part of me.

But I keep wondering how does it feel to meet him in person again.

I wonder what brought him back to EM...

Mordenkainan.... is back in alliance.... I don't know why but timing with everything makes me expect turbulence. He hasn't given any reason me to expect that, but I just have a feeling. I am not sure what to think. When I first got his mail that he would like to catch up some point I was little reluctant to see him. Then his name keeps popping up here and there.... now I am somewhat curious to see him but we never seem to be on comms same time... I wonder what brought him back to EM.

It is better that I live alone for now...

I am so tired but need to take care of pesky little details and practicalities; need to remember to give notice to the tenant of my apartment, hire moving company etc. Can't wait to get out of this big and empty apartment that just keeps reminding me how we failed to make it ours.

Sonja threw me thought an idea about moving together with Ulf for a change but I am not ready to propose it to him. I proposed moving together to Roc and almost like it jinxed the relationship. Since that we started to drift apart. I don't want to do same for me and Ulf. It is better that I live alone for now.

Why the hell you couldn't fight back...

You fucking made it so easy... Yes we should talk. Yes the situation is not working. Yes I have been a lot on planet side. Yes it hasn't been fair to you. Yes it might be better to break up.... Why the hell you had to be so reasonable... Why the hell you couldn't fight back.

He is taking peace of my hart with him...

It's done. Roc and I aren't an item anymore. I feel contradicted. I feel relief, like a weight would have been lifted from my back, but same time I am terribly sad and feel like I wanna crawl under my blanket and have a good crying fit. We were so close some point and I will miss that even last year we just have been drifting apart. He doesn't know it but he is taking peace of my hart with him.

Life gives and life takes...

Celebrating Ulf’s birthday with just the two of us was really nice. He had ordered ala carte dinner, bubbly and server to his home and we had enjoyable, sweet and private evening together. It made me realize that it has been a while since we last had more romantic date. We have spent evenings together at home and we have gone for ad-hoc beer occasionally, but we haven’t done actual dates since the early phases of the relationship. Having special dates for a change was surprisingly nice and romantic; I hadn’t expected to miss them that much. It also made me realize that our relationship has lost the first rush of romantic moments and viewing it through pink glasses and is now more everyday thing than special moments. Same time it’s nice that we have made this far but in a way also bit sad. In general we make each others happy, even others see it. Ulf said that when we are out together others look us jealously. I hadn’t realized that, but I guess it is true.

Next evening alone at home was worse than usual. The contrast between nice and happy evening with Ulf and the empty apartment that was supposed to be our apartment, mine and Roc’s and Cierelle’s, was so huge. I think I need to face the truth; our relationship didn’t last in the everyday life. I thought Roc was a station brat like me, but I was wrong. He has built life to planet side; clan, Cierelle, kids, duty and he feels like he belongs there. He has good life there. His place is with his family, but my life is in the space. Truth hurts, but avoiding acknowledging it hurts even more. Oh well, life gives and life takes.

Don’t know what he thought about it...

In general I hate inventing bithday presents to people that matter, I suck at it. Inventing birthday present for Ulf was hard. I am not completely happy for the idea I end up picking but I hope he picks the thought behind it. I liked my first idea but unfortunately it wasn’t feasible. In Gradient Ulf has learned slowly more industrial skills; I would have wanted to buy him blueprint copy of his favorate ship which he could have built for himself to use. I think the he would have valued a ship like that. Except I got this idea way too late to subtly find out what really is his favorate ship, it probably would have been a T2 ship and his producing skills probably aren’t even near to it, T1 ship he might have been able to build with just little additional studying. It was same time nice idea and completely stupid idea. I also went in my head through traditional Republic Firetails and such but they are nowadays pretty much useless, besides it’s a traditional thing to buy for a Minmatar pilot, I wanted to be a little bit more original. In the end I ended up to try to find something that might be usefull and nice to try out but something he wouldn’t have thought to try himself out. I bought him synthetic boosters, I have heard good things about them and besides I liked the idea making him a harder target to shoot at. When he opened the packet he mostly looked baffled, don’t know what he thought about it.