Should I make it official… or not...

I have a clan. No matter is it official or not. I have grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins that care about me. I have big family… and strangest of all… I care about them and I want to stay in touch with them… So should I make it official… or not?

Only thing I can do is just wonder...

I saw him. He did sit opposite to me. He smiled and talked to me. He looked good and happy. He looked like having a good life… a good life without me. I can’t blame him. It was me who went to planet side, me who stopped keeping in touch. I had good reasons… but still it was me.

I wonder what he thinks about me… I hate when things are left unsettled. My fault… I know. I didn’t even give us chance to settle them. Didn’t give him chance to select to come with me to planet side or stay in space without me…

… Now I can just wonder what he thinks about me... Are we even friends anymore? Has he found someone else? What if he isn’t… does he hope for … only thing I can do is just wonder.

I hope that someday they meet again....

It’s been a close to a year since I last wrote anything to you dear diary. At that point I thought I am back in space again and life becomes normal again. How wrong I was… The strangest year of my life followed that.

Adrianelle is now gone. I miss her, but her last year was good and I am happy that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. She was happy to be united with Caren’s family. She finally had people with whom to share her memories of Caren. It made Caren more real for her again and she was happy to leave this world and hopefully be united with Caren again. Who knows, maybe their spirits meet again or maybe Intakis are right and we born again and they have a chance to meet in the next life again. I don’t know what to believe, but for their loves sake I hope that they meet again, in whatever form it would be. It is also comforting to be able to hope for it. So yes, I hope that someday they meet again...

Synchronization of offline entries....

June 5th :

There seems to be some power game on going. Almost like there would be two sub-clans under Lougherne. The intra planet trade house side Lugherns and the inter planetary side Lougherns seems to be competing for the clan leadership.... and it looks like both side are considering me as a factor in the game. Loughernes don't have any pilots in the clan. Pilot of Lougherne family would be nice addition to the inter planetary trade house side of the clan. I think Orthanach is here to evaluate what is my caracter and how I would I fit to Minmatar clan and ways of living. All the Loughernes seem very nice towards me and the few Lugherns I have met seem very reserved, some almost hostile. I hate politics.

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May 20th:

I am not stupid, I know when I am being evaluated. The Lougherne shaman Orthanach Lougherne has also been a visitor of Jarvis and Emily already close to a month now and he quietly seems to seek my company, telling me clan traditions and answering to my questions. He is very discreet at it, but non a the less he is evaluating me.

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April 14th:

I am worried about Adrianelle. Since the last bad period she seems to live more and more in the past. Only remembering Caren. Of course she comes along perfectly with Emily and Jarvis. It is clear that she is dying eventually. They have nothing to loose. Emily and Jarvis have in her the daughter in law they never had and they want to hear all they can from last months of Caren while they can and they have been able to give Adrianelle the only connection to Caren that still is possible. Of course I am happy for Adrianelle.

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March 23rd:

"Dear Carinelle,

I am sorry to heat that Adrianelle has been worse again but I am thrilled to hear that you and Adrianelle would finally wish to visit us. You are very welcome to our family estate in Olfeim IV. I am eager to meet the woman that can be considered as the life companion of my son and you their daughter.

Br, Emily Lougherne"

I guess we are off to Olfeim then.

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March 19th:

Adrianelle is like possessed. Only thing she can think that she has to go see Loughernes now that she is better again. As soon as possible. I guess she also did allow herself to think that she has more time. Only thing she can think is meeting Jarvis and Emily.

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March 15th:

They got it under control again! She is better.

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March 1st:

Back in Federation. Back in this white room. Alone in the silence. With my thoughts. Again.

Adrianelle is sick. Again. I did allow myself to think that she would have more time. That I wouldn't have to do certain things right now. I swear if she gets better again I will take her to meet Loughernes.

Foreigner needs to be double as good as a Mimatar to be something here...

Anabella has felt it too. By blood she is Sebiestor, she even looks like one, but since she was raised by Gallente couple and she doesn't have a clan she is second class citizen too. Her reaction has been different to mine. She desperately wants that feeling of belonging somewhere. She wants clan. I want people to accept me who I am now. In a way it feels insulting to me that if I would join clan it suddenly would make everything I so far have done somehow more meaningful. I work and fight for the Republic as much as any other Gradient does. Ironic is that from the two of us I might have to face sooner the decision do I really want to join a clan or not.

The topic came up the other day at the Rose's Lounge. Anabella commented that she felt like and outsider and I could relate to it. Ava asked ”Do we....do we make you feel like an outsider?” Not sure did she refer to Gradients or Minmatars in general. I didn't want to start a rant then, but yes you do make me feel like an outsider occasionally.

Republic is my home nowadays and Gradient in a way is my family here about. I feel like I belong to here, except when I am reminded that I am not a Minmatar so I am a second class member and citizen. It happens less often than it used to happen. Gradient has changed too. It better accepts foreigners or maybe it just can't be too picky anymore with the border war already on going. Republic needs all of its warriors.

I remember the time I joined Gradient: on every corp op I had to show up in my own hauler since all the Gradient offices had only Minmatar ships. Already that time from the active pilots that participated ops a great chunk was non-Minmatars. Some point I gave up and just learned Minmatar haulers since I wasn't going to get my own freighter just for doing occasional jobs for the corp. It took years before the situation changed. Nowadays Gradient has also some Iterons on mining offices. Every time a new director or CEO needed to be selected the discussion has included arguments for requirement that the person should be Minmatar and preferably with a good clan background. Even if I haven't been after the positions it is just a clear reminder that since I am not Minmatar I am a second class citizen here. Same goes for any elections in Republic. Even if I would acquire Republic citizenship it would do nothing to me. If you don't have clan you can't impact any Republic matters. Some people are even openly racists. Thank god not in Gradient. Dating Simeon was catastrophic. His clan hated me so much, just because I was foreigner. Truth just is that foreigner needs to be double as good as a Mimatar to be something here.

It is great to have a friend with whom you can freely be yourself...

Having drinks with Sonja last week reminded me how refreshing it was to be with someone, I don't have to be careful with my words. I have plenty of close friends and I love them all dearly, but it doesn't I mean I can talk freely to all of them.

Isobel is so tight about what is proper and judgmental. She hasn't liked most of the men I have dated with. I think Ulf passes her inspection, but she didn't even like Roc, who after all was respected CEO of Gradient, not to mention Simeon or Veren that had shadier pasts. Going to TLG is red cloth to her. She is my old time friend, but sometimes it just is easier to avoid some topics with her.

Anuko is dear little creature. She is the little sister I never had. But she is also the little sister to take care of. For her I need to be the strong one, I never can be the weak. I need to remember that she has issues with alcohol. If I would feel like spending a week crawling in pubs and drinking down my sorrows or just party really hard because I feel like it, it would be incredibly bad to drag her with me... I would get a terrible hang over after the week, but she might stay on that path. Oh she likes to put up a strong presence and protect me ...but she over does it. If Ulf would hurt me and made me sad or angry and I would complain about it to her, I bet she would go to yell Ulf in a next possible moment. She just isn't very good at being someone you can lean to occasionally.

Sonja is strong but same time laid off. She doesn't judge me. We may disagree on things and even argue loudly. When feeling weak I can lean to her without fear to drag her down. When feeling hurt and miserable I can freely open up without a fear that she would try to fight my battles for me. It is great to have a friend with whom you can freely be yourself.

I should talk with you...

What are you expecting from me now? Do you expect or hope for monogamous relationship now that Roc is out of the way, us moving together or do the same rules still apply, no exclusiveness.

We have been a year together, but I still can't say how you really feel about a non-exclusive relationship. Roc spend so much time in planet side with his clan that me dating him didn't really impact our time.

I don't want to take this up just now, but I should talk with you.