I am again worried about Feinlyn...

I finally had chance to meet Zorra again and talk with her. I lied to Feinlyn and I feel bit bad about it. I could have just asked him to take the last signature in digital form and send it to me over encrypted email, it wouldn't have been mandatory to see Zorra in person. My gut feeling says Feinlyn is good guy and is really helping Zorra, but she is just 17, what if I would have been wrong and he really wasn't helping her, after all he hasn't been the most stable guy lately. If I would have found out that later, I don't think I could forgive myself. So I had to get chance to talk to her personally. All I saw and heard from her confirmed me that he is treating her well and really helping her. On the contrary it seemed to me she is worried of him being depressed and being too much alone and not spending enough time with her. It almost sounds to me like Zorra will heal from her past sooner than Feinlyn from his.

Outside it has looked like Feinlyn really is getting his life together, he is back in Federation and he has found Federation Militia corp to work for. World is actually pretty small, that corp is Seriphyn's. But what I heard from Zorra sounds like he is depressed and mostly avoiding social contacts. It can't be good for him. I am not worried about Zorra anymore, but I am again worried about Feinlyn.

I have bad feeling about this...

On Sunday Anuko was with me and Sonja in The Last Gate. A guy Anslo whom Sonja had met earlier end up hanging out with us. Anuko was so flirting with him. She had to leave pretty soon, but she had already promised to invite him to the opening party of her bar once she decides when to have it. After she left, Sonja in practice encouraged Anslo to ask her out. He mentioned something that his friend would kill him if he would do that. I thought he meant that he had jealous lady friend.

Turned out I was so wrong. I ended up to The Last Gate with Sonja today again, Anslo showed up there right about moment Sonja had to leave, so I decided to hang out bit more and find out who this Anslo is. Well he is not exactly pirate but very close. “We're...adventure capitalists..." In pratise the corporation he works for is claiming space in Ganoure, keeping it clean from scum but also demanding “tax” from good people operating there. So pirates in practice.

Then he mentions his friend Aggey "I want to be friends with Anuko. Aggey.. .heh, he's the one head over heels for her." Apparently this Aggey is Vhekior, but they are like brothers except they are different race. This Aggey has met Anuko like once, very briefly, but lost his hart to her on first sight. So Anslo intents just to introduce Aggey properly to Anuko. He told that this Aggey is bit shy. But I am not so sure does Anslo want to be just friend with Anuko or would there be more. He is obviously stepping side and letting this Aggey have priority. But he mentioned something “We could be twins, if we were of the same race” If they are so same would they both have crush to same girl.

Oh I can see this going sooo well. First of all Anuko really doesn't handle well rejection from the guys she has crush... If Anslo tries to reject her politely and same time introduce Aggey... that already has potential for ugly scene. Even if not considering that first potential for mess, if Anuko dates either of them it will be dating pirate... even if they don't pirate in the Republic. Still that will mean she would need to handle crap and I really don't know is her psyche up to it yet.

But I can't decide for her how she should live her life and what mistakes she should make. If I would, I wouldn't respect her much, but I have bad feeling about this.

I hope you are patient with me...

I was the one to tell you I love you first... but now you are the one that is fluent with those words and it's me who has difficulties to say them aloud. It has always been hard for me to have courage to say those words aloud, the first time with you was kind of exception, I wasn't thinking about it and it kind of slipped from me. Now you tell me those words every time we see, even on comms and letters, so naturally and every time those words become scarier to me. I can easily use words like honey, hon, sweetie... they are lighter, they don't carry so much weight. But that big word … love... seem to get stuck inside me and I can't say it.

I was impatient with you, when you had to get used to idea saying those words for the first time, but now its me who is lagging behind. Oh I am so impossible, I hope you are patient with me.

Scary and wonderful same time...

My thoughts again come back to the naming ceremony and linkage it created to Draden and Roia… and indirectly to Rocius. Even if we would break up with him the next day the link to Draden and Roia would be there until they are old enough. Even I and Roc don't have any official tie to each others, I am still a little bit a mother to his children no matter what... that in a way is first link between us... it is kind of scary and wonderful. Wonderful because even idea of permanent tie between us makes my hart jump and scary because still when we are separated I keep wondering can this work out... and we are separated a lot... scary and wonderful same time.

He reminds me from myself even he has gone through so different path...

Caellach told me his story how he had ended up into Naraka. It’s very different from my story, but yet in the beginning there are that much similarities that I wonder where I would be if I hadn’t heard about Gradient from Chase and ended up here right away. Caellach was young and idealistic, wanted To Do Right Things, Something Big and not just serve corporations gathering isk because of isk… oh that strikes so familiar. He also found out via hard way that world isn’t pretty or ideal… that sounds so familiar too, I am just happy I was in very different environment when I started to realize that.

Initially he picked Federation Intelligence Office as his employer. What would be greater than helping Federation through FIO? But suprise suprise FIO guys aren’t the white knights, but the guys that take care of the dirty laundry. Even I could have guessed that beforehand... maybe. He should have picked Federation Navy if we wanted to be the white knight. He was disappointed hard, although that last mission, which he told me, really shocks me. I just can’t believe it from Federation, it has to be a show of one sick individual in the system…sabotage of one of the Republic bases in order to make Amarr looks worse and Federation better. I can’t believe even FIO would officially accept that.

He ended up hang out with wrong people that gave bad ideas to him. He though he joined nice and idealistic industrial corporation, well I guess it looked like that for while. Once he learned what is going on under the surface he applied to Re-aw.

That basically could have been me if I hadn't heard about Gradient. I probably would have tried to find Something Important To Do for the Federation to really help or searched other corporations with ideology and that time I was so innocent, I probably could have bought the story of Preta Industries, I so easily could have ended up picking similar hazardous path. He has gone through very different kind of path than I have, but I still recognize similarities. He has become tougher, more cynical, he has learned how to play the on the field, but I think there is still small portion of that young idealist left. He reminds me from myself even he has gone through so different path.

I think I was right after all...

Feinlyn contacted me again. He has finally really met real slaves and realized that no matter that there are people who voluntarily are being slaves, there are plenty of those who don't voluntarily do that but are forced into it. He has adopted a slave girl and wants to help her, get her out. He is on his way to Federation to start a new life. I promised to help him to get proper ID and such to that girl Zara. I don't know who is who in Federation anymore so I can't recommend any corporations to Feinlyn. I hope he finds a good job, he really needs structure into his life, I don't think it would be good to for him to be just freelancer. After the month in Amarr space his standings suck, and that corp don't look good in his employment history. He needs to work hard to get people in Federation and Republic to trust him again.

Meeting Zara has seemed to do good for him. There was no word of that nonsense about maybe he is meant to serve others. It looked like he had found a new purpose to his life. He still looked tired like hell, but he was in control of his life again.

I already did wonder was my gut feeling about him wrong. I judged from the start that he is good fellow, bit lost, but good. The path he seemed to selected made me wonder was I wrong. But apparently he just needed to learn facts of life through hard way. I think I was right after all.

Am I a silly or are there spirits...

I have never believed into any god, faith, spirits, magic etc mystics. Still lately I have caught myself wondering what if something mystical after all exists. The naming ceremony and link it created between me and twins felt stronger than just the words. Ulf believes into spirits, he says there are plenty of those in Paiho. I asked does he think there are spirits in ships and stations, he wasn't sure but he said that ships have felt to him like they would have spirits and they work better if you talk to the spirit of the ship. I don't know would I believe into that, but it made me think about The Shackled Amarr... after that horrible incident there, it has felt different. It used to feel like home, a friendly place. Now I haven't felt comfortable in there, Sonja has felt same. I wonder... do bars have spirits, and did we anger that spirit. After CJ had her party there, SA has started to feel little bit better again. Am I a silly or are there spirits?