Good luck!

New alliance executor. To be honest I didn’t see this coming. I never thought you would have the needed ambition to apply that position.

But now that I think of it… you have the qualities to be a good alliance leader. You listen and notice details. You have very strong feeling of right and wrong, but enough practicality to know to step on grey area if needed. You are kind… many might think too kind… but you have your ruthless side too even if it has not been visible in EM... a quality which you will need sooner or later.

You have the qualities to be good leader... if you only succeed to become leader in the minds of the people. It’s a big challenge. Sad to say but Eva was the last true executor of EM. Even if towards the end of her era even she let it slip. Since then members of EM have used to live without true executor, do whatever they want, follow suggestions of executor of EM only if it pleases them and ignore anything they don’t fully endorse. Roc tried but failed. KJ didn’t even try.

Roc is right with his thought that doacracy of EM has gone that far that it has made Arkady as most active “doer” the defacto leader of EM. Even if corporations vote someone else into executor position it still doesn’t mean that people believe into him. I hope you succeed where others failed, but it won’t be easy. Good luck!

What if…

What if you would have decided differently? I wonder how different my life would have been. What if you would have been my mom… You were researcher too, so I guess various research stations would still have been my home. But very likely I wouldn’t have met Isobel and become friends with her. You never worked on same project with her parents. Maybe I would have known that my father is Sebiestor, maybe you would have found his clan in same way I did now… maybe I would have had grandparents, cousins etc... a clan. You as mom would probably have encouraged me to become pilot instead of trying to talk me out of it.

What if I would have been one of the Sebiestors from the beginning in Republic instead of being one of the outsiders? Would that had impacted my career in Gradient, would that have changed how things went with BT. Would that have impacted how I reacted when Gina first time contacted me, would a different reaction had made any difference. What if… What if…

You were thinking my benefit...

You made huge sacrifice to guarantee me the best life you were able to deliver in the circumstances. I can’t even imagine how hard that was for you. Then later finding out that it wouldn’t have been necessary and then again selecting my best interest in your mind.

I can’t really even imagine how it would feel to be pregnant, to be constantly reminded that my love of my life is dead and same time to be terribly sick and to be afraid that my unborn child will suffer or even die. Not knowing will I even survive until I manage to give birth to my child.

You made hard decision, decision that felt necessary to you back then. You were thinking my benefit.

I just hope I could do something...

I have been weeks away from space, from Ulf, from work…just away from my normal life. It’s been strange. My current day routine is so different… get up, breakfast with my mothers, then Adrianelle has her treatments and mom goes to help with research so I have my time for daily workout. I am probably in better physical shape than for ages. Then lunch with mom after that I have after noon time to spend with Adrianelle until it is again time for her evening treatments.

I feel so helpless. At least mom is able to help the research group with the medical research. This is first time I feel sorry that I never learned medical science… I just hope I could do something.

So many unsaid words and so little time…

I wasted so much time for being angry to you… for being hurt because you didn’t tell me sooner that you were my mother. Now I don’t have much time with you. Again you’re little better but they say it’s temporary and it will last months at best. So many words and so little time.

I miss the feeling of being a ship...

Space and water... both environments where people can't live without lifesupporting technology. In a way similar but still so different.

My scubadivung instructor says I am natural with the scubadiving equipments. Well it isn't that different from being in pod and breathing compressed air via tube. Of course you need to worry airpressure in ears and all, when in pod pressure around you stays same, but being able to relax when hooked into tubes comes pretty naturally to pod pilot and the amount of information you need to manage is lot less . There the similarity ends. Space is so huge and empty and dead, everything alive in space is artifically supported. Water is full of natural life; plants, crabs, fishes.

Even nature under the water can be amazingly beautiful and it is possible to feel weithless under the water, I keep missing the aditional sensors and all the constant information feeds... I miss being more than myself, miss the freedom. I really enjoy my time here; spending time with parents, water sports, colors here, even sun. But the longer I am out of space the more I miss my pod. I miss the feeling of being a ship.

I love and hate the sun at the same time...

It's strange to be on a planet side. I am not sure do I ever get used to sun or that temperatures change during the day. It's so different here. At our bungalow we have airconditioning and temperature stays relatively steady like on stations, but outside it is so hot. I need to be so carefull with the sun so that I won't burn myself. I already did on first day. I just didn't had time before the vacation take UV treatment so that my skinn would have been bit more prepared for the sun.

Colors outside are amazing in the sun. Trees and plants are just so green and the sea is so blue or emerald green... and under the water.. who would have believed how much life there is, all the colorful fish and corals. It looks amazing when sun shines through the water. Shines through the water literally... it can also burns through the water, who would have known that. I love and hate the sun at the same time.