We have taken the first step...

After my op I and Roc suddenly both were on comms. We had bit of idle time to chat. I don’t remember when this has last happened.

He was stuck at the POS and I was on Pator so we couldn’t meet but we could talk… even that was more than for months… It felt weird… I had to think topics like I need to think with people I don’t know well… we had been so separate from each others… It would have been easier if he would have been there in person, I could have gone close and hug him, remember how it felt to be close… but now it was this man that probably didn’t know anything about my life from last half a year… how do you talk to him…

… He must have seen something from my expression since he asked what’s up… After hesitating I told him the truth. I guess it was good, it lead to first real discussion for months that how I feel… how I had missed him… how the apartment feels so big, empty and lonely without him...

… The discussion didn’t solve anything or didn’t lead anywhere… but it was a first step on the long road…although I am not sure yet where that road leads. I think the cross section is still ahead of us, we have time to select which direction we really take... do we turn to separate ways or do we select a common path… but definitely we have taken the first step.

The little questions matter...

How are you? Do you want company? I hadn’t told Ulf that I had lost Monster; he had seen it on the op and was worried for me afterward. I am not used to it, but it felt good… that someone cares…

I was feeling down. I did everything right at the op, I was close to shields and there should have had been time to get under the force field. But sensor lag made my systems to response so slow that even micro warp driving towards the tower didn’t help. I hadn’t given evacuation order early since we all thought we can make it. Because of that I lost lot of my crew. Most of the officers got to escape pod… but lot of the crew below didn’t. Monster and its crew had served me a long time and suddenly there is a hole in place where they should be. Weirdest thing is, this hurts even more than if I had done mistake or the enemy would have been just purely smarter… it just seems so futile loss.

… The thing that Ulf realized this and asked that little question and offered his company made me really realize other thing. Roc hasn’t asked for months how am I? He just hasn't been here at all...

...It matters that someone is there for you without you asking it. The little questions matter...

I am not very good at station games...

Shees I am again rusty as hell in FCing. But at least I managed to kick my ass into pod and schedule an op during wartime even if high sec war games are not exactly my expertise or comfort area. It was visible in the op too.

Usually I don’t like station games. But somehow it appealed to me try to sneak a fleet to next system and try to figure out do they have bigger fleet around while they do same thing. But still I am not very good at station games.

Crappy end for crappy day...

Weekend and Ulf were great, but the good mood didn’t last long. Monday was crappy again. Too many stupid meetings. Didn’t feel like flying or being social but I had to pick couple of new skills so had to get into pod.

Sonja was there too. She actually wanted to see me and not to disappear somewhere with her mystery man. I can’t remember when she last did that. She wanted finally tell me who her mystery man is. Yup it was the one I had assumed since the beginning the one which she couldn’t admit when asked earlier. I think I am slightly hurt that she couldn’t say it earlier when it was kind of obvious already. She had to wait this long, tell bunch of people first before she could actually admit it to me. Even Caellach. Am I so judgmental or can’t I keep secrets if needed.

He was at the bar too. So casual, wouldn’t even come to talk with us. Sonja didn’t like my question that is it usual that he doesn’t come to kiss hello or is it just me who prevents it. I guess if I want them in situation where I can actually freely talk to him I need to arrange small private social get together.

On my way out I asked via comms would it be ok invite Ulf and them to some social event. She said that he has just after I left decided to take my advice and kiss her publicly, so it would be ok to tell Ulf too. So I guess it was then me with whom they were so careful. That kind of hurts.

Again at home was again silent and empty apartment. It’s too big, too empty, too lonely. Crappy end for crappy day.

This was good Saturday...

It didn’t feel like it in the morning. I just really didn’t feel like getting into pod and flying or seeing anyone in general… just one of those days…. But couldn’t help, I had committed to be in tournament and promised to see Ulf afterwards.

Tournament was great. I did my part ok and team was amazing. Gerrard is just genius with the tactics and FCing.

Afterwards I still didn’t feel like being social. I went to SA like I had agreed with Ulf. Everyone was drinking, congratulating everyone in team… I smiled and answered something to everyone… but I didn’t feel like being there. I wanted run away… I didn’t even know why I was feeling that low still.

We escaped with Ulf pretty soon. We hadn’t yet had chance to see after he came back from planet side. I think we both just wanted to have moment alone with each others. We curled at my couch close to each other. It just felt so good. It was like that he just being there absorbed my crappy feeling away and filled me with silent happiness by just sitting next to me and talking me quietly what had happened on planet side.

His auntie Gytha had sent me present. Ulf was so cutely blushing when he explained how to wear it. Gytha definitely surprised me there. I think I will like her and I am definitely curious to meet her eventually. Somehow through that gift she managed to make me feel more accepted than anything, what had Ulf explained to me that she hadn’t been negative when he had told her about us etc.

It was so good to have someone to take to bedroom… someone to snuggle close to me… someone to love me… someone to fall sleep next to me.

This was good Saturday.

I just don't know what I should do...

I actually said it aloud... just blurt it. Of course we again didn't have time to talk properly, but at least I talked what was on my mind and gave first hint that I wonder can this work.

Of course I had to head to station side very soon after it and today again seems to be evening that we don't have time to see before I need to go to sleep. I don't even have a clue is there any sense to stay up and wait. You didn't tell me what you think and its killing me not to know. Maybe it was wrong move to say it when we didn't had time really to talk, but not saying it and keeping wondering on my own would have felt bad too.

I just don't know what I should do...

You all just stay safe somewhere in there…

“There is the possibility that the Sansha attackers are using pre-arranged (or simply pre-known) major gatherings to facilitate the fast lift-off of planetary populations.”

Uh-huh… it never occurred to me until now that you actually might be in danger down there… but what else than big pre-arranged gathering is the meeting of the clans for Maa'Tushindor… I try to tell myself that Pator is 1.0 system, surely Sanshas wouldn’t try anything there… or would they?

Those words cleared the feeling of numb disconnectness; suddenly the world seems almost too clear like light so clear that it hurts your eyes. I am child of space and stations… I haven’t had connections to planet side… until now… You somewhere down there… even the thought that Sanshas would attack Pator and capture you almost stops my hart… but you’re not the only one, there are others… all the Deshers… Draden and Roya… Cierelle… but also all my friends I have made there… Berit… others… Pator is 1.0 it has to be safe… it just has to… Eldulf… it is so small system that surely Sanshas wouldn’t try attacks there... they have so far targeted more populated systems…

You all just stay safe somewhere in there…