This was good Saturday...

It didn’t feel like it in the morning. I just really didn’t feel like getting into pod and flying or seeing anyone in general… just one of those days…. But couldn’t help, I had committed to be in tournament and promised to see Ulf afterwards.

Tournament was great. I did my part ok and team was amazing. Gerrard is just genius with the tactics and FCing.

Afterwards I still didn’t feel like being social. I went to SA like I had agreed with Ulf. Everyone was drinking, congratulating everyone in team… I smiled and answered something to everyone… but I didn’t feel like being there. I wanted run away… I didn’t even know why I was feeling that low still.

We escaped with Ulf pretty soon. We hadn’t yet had chance to see after he came back from planet side. I think we both just wanted to have moment alone with each others. We curled at my couch close to each other. It just felt so good. It was like that he just being there absorbed my crappy feeling away and filled me with silent happiness by just sitting next to me and talking me quietly what had happened on planet side.

His auntie Gytha had sent me present. Ulf was so cutely blushing when he explained how to wear it. Gytha definitely surprised me there. I think I will like her and I am definitely curious to meet her eventually. Somehow through that gift she managed to make me feel more accepted than anything, what had Ulf explained to me that she hadn’t been negative when he had told her about us etc.

It was so good to have someone to take to bedroom… someone to snuggle close to me… someone to love me… someone to fall sleep next to me.

This was good Saturday.

I just don't know what I should do...

I actually said it aloud... just blurt it. Of course we again didn't have time to talk properly, but at least I talked what was on my mind and gave first hint that I wonder can this work.

Of course I had to head to station side very soon after it and today again seems to be evening that we don't have time to see before I need to go to sleep. I don't even have a clue is there any sense to stay up and wait. You didn't tell me what you think and its killing me not to know. Maybe it was wrong move to say it when we didn't had time really to talk, but not saying it and keeping wondering on my own would have felt bad too.

I just don't know what I should do...

You all just stay safe somewhere in there…

“There is the possibility that the Sansha attackers are using pre-arranged (or simply pre-known) major gatherings to facilitate the fast lift-off of planetary populations.”

Uh-huh… it never occurred to me until now that you actually might be in danger down there… but what else than big pre-arranged gathering is the meeting of the clans for Maa'Tushindor… I try to tell myself that Pator is 1.0 system, surely Sanshas wouldn’t try anything there… or would they?

Those words cleared the feeling of numb disconnectness; suddenly the world seems almost too clear like light so clear that it hurts your eyes. I am child of space and stations… I haven’t had connections to planet side… until now… You somewhere down there… even the thought that Sanshas would attack Pator and capture you almost stops my hart… but you’re not the only one, there are others… all the Deshers… Draden and Roya… Cierelle… but also all my friends I have made there… Berit… others… Pator is 1.0 it has to be safe… it just has to… Eldulf… it is so small system that surely Sanshas wouldn’t try attacks there... they have so far targeted more populated systems…

You all just stay safe somewhere in there…

I just don’t seem to have energy to do anything...

Stuff happens… Sanshas have been attacking actively here and there, EM member has been shooting Concord member, minor merc corp decced us again… but I feel somehow disconnected and down. Lately I have had feeling like seeing the world through haze that makes everything feel blurred, unreal. I miss Ulf. Roc and I have been in so different rhythms and busy that I don’t think we have had change to talk properly for few months, it has been the case already sometime but it now somehow hit me more concretely when I don’t have anyone else sharing evenings whit me and talk with me even occasionally. I haven’t felt like talking to anyone else either, so I have mostly just done agent work on my own. I know I should get grip of myself and kick myself to see people again, do stuff actively. But I just don’t seem to have energy to do anything.

The letter is on its way...

I finally decided I write some of my thougths to Ulf, but I also left half of them out. Either they are red between the lines or not, but this is the most direct I am going to give any sales peeches to him to repeat.

Dear Ulf,

Not much happened since you left to planet side. But I have been thinking the question you asked just before you left to there. What you should tell to your aunties about us... we really didn't have time to talk so I guess it would be fair if I try to tell you a bit how I think.

“I guess they'll want to know things about whether I think it's going to last for a long time, what happens if there's children, whether you have a clan... That sort of thing”

Maybe it would help your aunties if they would understand bit about my background. I am mixture of Sebiestor and Intaki. I am raised as Gallentean by Intaki stepparents. This essentially impacts to how I see relationships. I guess from your aunties point of view they want to know will you think that does our relationship last and is there option for marriage and what it would mean for the clan. Of course I can't comment that do you think that this will last, but about rest... it boils down to the fact that will we love each other and do we feel like sharing rest of ours life forever, rest is details that can be negotiated so that all the parties are happy. Do we want to share our lives forever, that is bit early to answer. Even I am raised as Gallentean I am now living in Republic and working for Electus Matari and I am planning to stick in Republic and work to develop it and not to disappear back to Federation.

“ What happens if there's children” If we ever decide to have common child it will need to be intentional decision since I am pilot and in a clone. In general my cultural background kicks in here so I consider child to be as much child of mother and as child of father. I don't have clan so no other clan has claim to it and your clan is your relatives and family, of course it would need to have some place in the child's life. Rest is again details that can be negotiated in a way that everyone related are happy.

You took me by surprise with this question so and my first answers was pretty short ;-) I hope this opens up a bit more what I think about.

I will write you more once something more than just boring meetings happens in my life. I miss you already.

Love, Nelle

I am still not sure did I do the rigth thing or should I have just shut up, but now the letter is on its way.

Product Carinelle...

I so haven't decided what do I write to Ulf or do I write at all... but I guess I need to at least see what I can think if I try to consider myself as a cold product to sell...

... so about product Carinelle:

Carinelle is interesting mixture of Sebiestor and Intaki. Her cultural background lies in Federation. She has been raised as Gallentean by Intaki stepparents. She has had best schools at her childhood. She turned out to have genetics of a pilot and she was accepted into Federal Navy Academy from which she graduated with best grades. Regardless her cultural background she has followed her blood to Republic and is respected member of Republic loyalist alliance Electus Matari and corporation Gradient.

Carinelle has rose fast in rank of Electus Matari and is currently one of the alliance diplomats and FC. She is type that is talented in everything she puts her focus into. She has shown to be excellent low sec hauler, combat pilot and FC.

There is option for marriage*, but here her cultural background is most visible. Marriage is not a alliance of clans to her, so it is up to your son to convince her that they are in love and want to share their lives forever.

She doesn't currently offer option for alliance with any Sebiestor clan**. But this opens opens another option for you. In your clan it is custom to marry your sons off, but pilot like your son is asset to your clan that I am sure you are reluctant to give away. Marriage with Carinelle offers interesting opportunities for you, it would make possible for you to keep your son in your clan and gain another wealthy and influential pilot to the clan. This leads to interesting speculation that what would be the mix up of the genetics of these two brilliant individuals. No-one currently knows what are the factors that create the good pilot genes, but one can always speculate***.

Convincing isn't it...of course there would be the fine print, but that is never mentioned in the PR talk.

* Marriage contract may need to include a freedom to date other men.
** Link to Brutor clan Desher may be possible. Desher is mixed clan of Brutor and Amarr.
*** Carinelle is on her second clone so artificial conception will be needed. Also this is another place where her cultural background shows and she doesn't consider conceiving children as duty for clan, but it would be up to your son to convince that they want children together.

Now I just need to figure out what I write to Ulf about … product Carinelle.

I don't want to consider our relationship as a cold deal that needs to be sold to the clan...

Sometimes I just hate different shifts. During past week we have been on so different time-schedules that I and Ulf haven't had time to meet properly, just few half an hours in middle everything. On one of those moments where we didn't really had time to talk about anything properly he asked me what he should tell to his aunties about us...

“I'm ... I'm going to have a talk to the Aunties while I'm away. To tell them about us. See what I can do...But it does somewhat depend on you... What do you want? What should I tell them about us?"

He surprised me totally, I didn't had time to think or we really didn't had time talk about it. We had time just few words.

“umh.. That is difficult question... truth I guess... what kind of things they will want to know?”

“I don't know. I've never done this before.... I ... I guess they'll want to know things about whether I think it's going to last for a long time, what happens if there's children, whether you have a clan... That sort of thing”

“umh well I think it has chances to last long... I don't think children happen unless it involves heavy medical aid and pre-planning.. I am on my second clone... I am half Sebiestor but I don't know my clan so I don't belong to any clan...”

“I think I'm doing this all wrong, sorry...”

And then he had to rush away… When thinking this afterward I can see very well the questions, Ulf wasn't very direct, but maybe he also was afraid to say it aloud or maybe he wanted to save my feelings... it's too soon, we have known each others so little time, we can't know the answers yet....

I guess the essential questions are
a) Will this last long = Is there a possibility for a marriage?
b) What happens if there is children = Will there be children and will will they possibly be a part of some clan or can Atamahara get a claim to them?
c) Whether I have clan = Is there a possibility for alliance with powerful clan or are there some other benefits I could bring for the clan Atamahara?

It sounds so cold and calculating. Like I would be a cold object to be sold to them, give a PR speech for my good qualities and present the possibilities as attractive way as possible and let them to start imagine further possibilities without promising too much this phase...

… and he asks me to give him the sales speech... ok now I am not being fair, he cares about us and wants to give our relationship possibility to continue. But I just hate how cold and calculating ways Minmatar clans seems to think relationships. Can I help him decide what to tell... yes I can close my feelings and objectively write a nice and pretty sales speech... the question is not even do I want to... since I really don't …. but the question is should I... but what ever I decide I need to decide soon. Either I'll leave it to Ulf all together to think what to say and trust his aunties want him to be happy, but diplomacy and negotiations are not really his thing he I so honest and straight... so if I want to impact what he says I should write him soon... but I don't want to consider our relationship as a cold deal that needs to be sold to the clan.