We were closer to each others than ever...

Another Friday, another dates with Ulf... I don't know what to think about yesterday. We went to bar for a bit but then made some excuses and headed home just the two of us. Then like normally we curled up to couch and just talked, but today it somehow had different tone... lot more serious...

We talked about my trip to Orien and what I had told Roc about us. In middle of everything it kind of slipped from me … “I think I might be falling in love to you” … even his expression didn't chance, no pause, nothing. He just continued talking on other stuff. He just ignored my words. It bothered me, more than it should. I didn't expect any similar words back, it so soon, but I definitely didn't expect this either. I shouldn't had said those words, it was too much too soon. So I did the only thing I was able to think, ignored my hurt feelings, continued to talk about what he was talking, even laughed a bit for his words... If he wanted to ignore those words, I can do that...

… But then on next moment he was asking me how I and Else come along and discussion he had had with Else, he gave the impression that Else had disapproved the two of us and Ulf asked what I thought. Well I have had that relationship speech from Else few times so my impression is that Else opinion is proper Sebiestor has duty to his clan to find proper Sebiestor wife and create connections and produce heir... I didn't say it in those words, I just said vaguely something along line maybe she thinks that Ulf is wasting time with me since I am not proper wife material. Then in next moment he goes and ask “And what do you think?” Sheesh... that is so loaded question and requires an essay as an answer, what I was supposed to answer that especially after he had just completely ignored when I told I love him... but he had asked it, it couldn't be unasked anymore... even he gave me option not to answer “that is pretty difficult question”.."Yeah, it is. We could leave it to later if you prefer"... but he had asked it, so I felt I needed to answer...

“From your clans perspective I am definitely not offering a alliance to any remarkable clan, but then again if you would marry me they would get to keep you in clan and possibly gain another wealthy pilot even if Gallentean “

"And what about Rocius? How does Desher fit into this?"

“To be honest. I have no idea.... Only thing i know if this lasts I would want to do things right for all parties involved... but I don't know what that "right" would be around here”

That was just the start of and essay, the full answer would have been a lot longer... but we didn't go any further to the topic, we changed topics.

"I don't know either. I've been wondering about it... but I thought maybe it was a bit soon to talk about it...” … “I have done some wondering too... but you are right... its way too soon... we hardly know each others”

I don't know what he had expected as answer... and I don't know did I say anything he wanted to hear... but he was the one that asked. I did swear to myself after the disastrous relationship with Simeon that I wont avoid any topics in future relationships and I am open to my partner if he wants to know something.... and Ulf did ask.

I don't know how, but somehow we ended up talking about people changing or maybe he wanted me to find out about his demons, wanted to see do I run away. I have looked into abyss of demons of Veren and Simeon and in the end I haven't run away from them either and compared to them Ulf's demons are so normal. When he was very young man... young soldier, he had killed other young men, and not so honorably always and it bothered him... as a self-protection he had became for a while a cruel and dangerous man without feelings, without capability to care... but he and his aunties fixed him eventually. But he is so afraid that what if he becomes that man again, for me the fact that he is worried tells me that there is no reason to worry yet, he cares and as that man he was didn't. I am touched and honored that he trusted me so much that he showed his demons to me and the pain which he feels when he thinks back that man. I didn't run away, I just held him and kissed away his tears.

I really don't know what to think about yesterday. It still hurts me and makes we worry that he so completely ignored my .. words.. but in the end of the evening I think we had a connection we hadn't ever before had and we were closer to each others than ever.

I think I have finally really got over my feelings towards him...

I gave call to Simeon yesterday. He has been busy, he is now the CEO of MUFF and executor of 11th Hour, Mek is his right hand. 11th hour is shaped according Simeon's vision, what ever that means. I think as CEO and executor Simeon needs to take a role where he needs to be the responsible one. That actually might do good to him and he might be the firm hand that 11th Hour needs.

It really pains me to see Simeon with red standing tag. I hoped to give him hint as a friend that maybe he should convince Meklon to take more humble approach; apologize and offer compensation, actually negotiate. But it was like talking to deaf rock “There will be no gestures from us Nelle, let me tell you something as a friend too. MUFF and her members will not come crawling for forgiveness. We're red and it'll remain so till I'm in a position to do something about it. Till then we remain as enemies. ” Well at least I tried, that’s all I can do. If he doesn’t want to listen my advice then so be it. But It’s stupid, he doesn’t want to be our enemy, he has even given orders to his pilots not to shoot us even if we shoot them, but he is too proud to do anything to change that standing.

But just when I was about to close the line he surprised me: “I miss you.” What should I answer that… in the end I told the truth: “I miss my friend to whom I was able to talk about almost everything.” That is the truth; he just hasn’t been that friend for a long time. After he came back, we were slowly taking small steps towards back that state, but there was still long way to get there. I told that him too, but what I left out was that those three little words made me realize how utterly tired I am to be the whom he throws his tantrums, to be the one that takes the first step to apologize, to be the one that sees all the effort, be the one that is put aside when something better comes along and for a little bit I am taken out from the closet again to play with. If he wants to be my friend the work and responsibility to take the steps needs to be mutual. Maybe love made me blind or maybe that something we had back then was so great that it was worth to try or maybe it was bit of both. We can be friends if he also wants that and is willing to see the effort too, but I think I have finally really got over my feelings towards him.

I think that was all I can do for now…

I had cup of coffee with Feinlyn. This time we met in the middle in the Glass Edge at the Jarizza. I felt I had to talk with him. I needed to understand that what if I agree once to let him to kneel at my feats, what then. It was awkward discussion but I think it was good we had it. It all comes to it being voluntary and feeling it to be “right” for both and as long as I can’t feel comfortable accepting option that what if it would feel right to him and he would want to belong to me he won’t force me to situation at all.

In a way I feel relieved. I think I could have been ok with it once, as a gift to a friend if there wouldn’t be any strings attached. I wouldn’t have been a person who tries to manipulate him or tries to brainwash him to believe something. But he wants more; he wants me to be willing to accept him, if it would feel right for him… and he seems to believe quite strongly that it would feel correct. The words he used made me actually thinking he is mixing in his head religion and submissive/dominant relationships. But in any case I don’t look any that sort of relationship. I don’t want to be worshipped nor do I look another relationship and being dominant to someone hasn’t ever been my thing.

But after this I don’t have to wonder what I should do. Since the answer is simple, it’s NO. I am not willing to be what he wants. I can be friend, help him to take steps out from the depression, if he selects to want my help, but I can’t do more than that.

Once more I tried to convince him that his current environment is not good for him and he should let himself to have time to heal in neutral environment. He seemed like close to fall into drinking again. If he would allow himself to heal first he could trust more into his feelings that they are something he really wants and not that he wants just something... anything to fill the void he has inside him. For a moment I think he looked like he started to think about it… I hope he continues to think about it.

I think that was all I can do for now…

We have been very discreet but observant person can count 1+1...

I and Ulf agreed that we are now “together”, we are couple. It doesn’t change rules to any direction or anything, but it still gives me warm feeling.

I have started to write about Ulf several times now. But my thoughts end up wandering around and I don’t get anything coherent written. Other topics are so much smaller, easier to handle. He as topic is so huge and it leads to other huge topics like Roc and what I personally want, it leads daydreaming of things I don’t think are possible.

We have kept seeing more or less regularly. The feeling I just want snuggle close to him keep being there from time to another is amazing. I just want to be close to him, lean to him... and well just be there. I could just sit hours under his arm hugging him and talk with him... and well we seem to do that a lot. With other guys it has been somewhat different, there have been flirt, seduction, and closeness yes. On some level I have always went fast to close and personal with every guy with whom there is signal for something serious and long lasting, but this is different. We end up talking the strangest topics, but as an end result it feels like we are learning to know each others on all the levels. It is also great that he is no CEO, alliance leader, clan head... he has less duties that fill his head and take him away from me.

The other week we had discussion that gave more fuel for my daydreams. We talked about relationships and future. “I know I can't keep you forever. You need a proper Sebiestor wife that gives you children someday.” … “My Aunties want there to be children. I don't have to be married for that.” After that he ended up telling me about clan politics. Atamaharas are matrilocal, they expect their women to stay in the clan and expect their men to move out when they are married out. Apparently children are important to Atamaharas, but even more relevant is either connections to other clans, but it might be also relevant to them to keep wealth in the family as in keep pilot in the clan and not marry him away. He hinted he wished that aunties would want to keep him in the clan because he is pilot, but if good enough offer is made the aunties would expect him to marry. I know I said to him “I know I can't keep you forever”, but I really don't want to think about it. He already now means more to me I want to admit. Afterward he asked me " So, what was that you were going to say about keeping me forever?". That was so hard question, I really didn't know what should I say to him after that discussion. I just couldn't blurt out how far my daydreams already had went... so I ended up saying just something vague "Well I might be tempted, ... if it turns out this ain't just a temporary crush." That is enough this point, no need to scare him with how strongly I feel.

We have started to be together publicly too. Of course I have mentioned to Roc, but we also left from BIONE party together and I visited shortly Re-aw party. I gave light kiss to him in vicinity of Gottii, shared a bedroom with him even though Gottii is probably only one to notice it since we were last to go to sleep and I was leaving already before others were awake. We have been very discreet but observant person can count 1+1.

So maybe I am doing something right...

On Friday I and Ulf went to BIONE's party hung out there few hours and then just head to Pator my place and again just sit together and talked. I told him about Feinlyn. It's amusing how similar first reaction I got from both Roc and Ulf. Both were amused and said something along lines that they had seen me as angel sometimes, kind and caring. Their reaction surprised me, I was surprised positively. I expected more protective attitude, grief for taking risk like that when going to talk with him, but instead they were very supportive.

Ulf didn't give any brilliant ideas to me like Roc did, but he seemed to think that I could just let the guy kneel at my feats that it wouldn't be big deal. Roc had given this very cunning idea to buy time, tell him that I am comfortable let him kneel in front of me when he no longer feels need to kneel to anyone. That sounds pretty brilliant line, but somehow don't feel like mine. I am just not sure can I follow the potential discussion coming from that.

But neither Roc or Ulf told me I am stupid and try to do something I should avoid. So maybe I am doing something right.

Is there anything else I can find out...

I went to Last Gate. I had met Feinlyn there few times. I wanted to ask did anyone there knew him, any friends of him or his background. I figured out that if someone there would know something it would be Karlos. But he didn't knew anything, apparently Feinlyn hadn't shared any of his background there.

I did some usual corp checks( for his new corp) which I would do to a diplomatic case. Searched Galnet, did find their forums and got list of their members. There are two women that could possibly be the one that brainwashed him, but the most likely one is Shalee Lian. I asked did Karlos recognize her and he actually did. Apparently she has been in the Last gate few times but never seen with Feinlyn there. Is there anything else I can find out?

I am so out of my league...

Feinlyn tried to give me call during last Friday; It came in really bad time… we were just heading to upstairs with Ulf, so I just ignored it and promised myself contact him later. Calling him back took couple of days and even then I was already busy on scouting campaign area to decide do I run fleets there. I just half assed exchanged some messages with him. He told he had got new job and mentioned being bartender in some bar… I should have paid more attention to it, should had followed my normal routine to check the corp information.

He had joined Amarr corporation… small Amarr corporation in Amarr militia. When I finally on Tuesday called him properly and asked where that bar of his is, it started to hit in. The bar was on Sarum Prime… on Sarum III… planet side… apparently some semi illegal smuggling port or something. He wanted me to come there… I might be trusting person and trust he wouldn’t hurt me… but going to Amarr planet side alone, I just couldn’t. He agreed to meet me on Sarum III station, even that made me nervous. It was high sec and Gallenteans are allowed to move on station but it still made me nervous. I took one of Teoron’s guys with me, Teoron was angry to me that I didn’t take him. But I just couldn’t take Minmatar with me there, even if he is my best security guy. He is still sulking to me even though he is hiding it well.

Anyway… Feinlyn waited me in one of the port side visitor cabins. He looked clean, free of any intoxicants, but tired. He told me his story. Amarrians had killed his fiancée, he had started to work for Amarrians in order to find the one that killed her, seek revenge, but everything got blurred. I think he was drawn to spiral leading downwards, it sucked all the joy, happiness, strength, even in the end all the hatred. That’s why he drunk so much. Now he is drained, empty, waiting something to fill him… anything. He met me; I showed some friendliness, cared at least a bit… but not enough… I was too busy with my own life to really give time to a broken soul that needed a push. Apparently he met also Amarrian woman that filled his ears with false promise for better, he is nearly brainwashed. That woman has made him to think that maybe he is meant to serve, meant to kneel. But he still on some level realizes in his fuzzy mind that she on some level tries to brainwash him. So even he has taken several steps towards them, he still hesitates and here come I into picture. In his mind he connects me contacting him and coming to see how he is doing a sign of something greater. He realizes I don’t try to brainwash him, so he trusts me more, but same time he is making me more than I am. He wants to kneel at my feats, to test does it feel correct, he realises I wouldn’t try to brainwash him more, try to use him for my own purposes. This is so out of my philosophical league. I have never believed into any god nor ancestors nor fate or believed that soul moves from body to another when person dies. I believe that individuals make their own fait, are their own masters.

What would be the right thing to do? Even if I would be uncomfortable with the idea it probably would be ok let him kneel at my feats if he really needs to try it to get it out of his mind, better me than some Amarrian that tries to brainwash him…. but… he would be doing it because he believes I am some greater being… apparently also their religion says that they never should kneel in front if person that doesn’t voluntarily take the offer so he wants me to be comfortable with the idea. I could lie to him that I am comfortable let him kneel in front of me, I could just use his trust and talk him to follow me. But then I wouldn’t be any better than Amarrians, I would be manipulating him. That would be wrong.

I was honest and told him I am uncomfortable with the idea, he seemed relieved. I was relieved, but only for moment… his next words were that he wont do it until I am ready, he wont kneel in front of anyone else either, it's reserved for me… what an earth I am supposed to do?

I tried to convince he should turn around and take another path. I could help him to find job that is not helping Amarrians, but if he continues helping my enemy I can’t support him in that. He is miserable there in Amarr space, it isn’t healthy to him. But his words were that at least know he is feeling something, even if it were misery.

That is so sad. I wonder would I have made bigger difference, if I had week ago took the time to talk to him. Would that had helped or would it still had been too late.

I feel that there is still possibility to help him. He is broken soul that is in cross-section of paths or at least not far from the cross-section yet. But I don’t have a clue what I should do. I am so out of my league.